MIL, DD and Money

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MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

That child is going to give you a nervous breakdown when she’s a teenager because you allow her to walk all over you .

You most definitely should take it from her. The one thing I will say is she should be free to spend it on what she wants (not all sweets obviously) not what she needs. Things she actually needs such as everyday clothing should come out of the household budget anything else she buys herself.

Edited to add
Normally I would say buying a Halloween costume if she wants to go trick or treating can be optional so she could buy it, but from your post it looks like you are hosting Halloween in which case you should be responsible for her costume which doesn't necessarily mean a new one, she can wear last year's or make one. Black leggings, black top, old black sock or leg of a pair of tights stuffed with newspaper and sewn on. Cheap cat ears headband.

I dont think Halloween costumes come out of present money.

All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow.

I bet she does! Have you explained the concept of money to her and how it works? When she “wants to use your money” do you let her, and just pay for things?’

Why on earth do you think you have to buy her costume and was planning on it??

Another one here who thinks that you should pay for the halloween costume - but your right about the fact that the money should be kept in a safe place.

ADSA have reduced their kid's Halloween costumes if that's any help.

You might pick something up in a charity shop. You really can't get into debt over a costume, so your daughter is going to have to make do with what you can get.

Could you make or borrow something?

Have a look on YouTube, you can make costumes with black bin liners. A witch's dress made from bags and a cheap witch's hat from PoundLand. You could get some face paint or just some smeared lipstick and black eyeliner.

The good thing about Halloween is that it doesn't need to be perfect. You don't need to be really great at making stuff. Most costumes are ripped or scruffy. Zombies aren't known for being snappy dressers. It's fine to look like you were dragged through a hedge backwards.

Replace it with an IOU note. Or perhaps have a sheet showing money she has so that she can keep track. If you open her a kids account with an app you can show her at any time how much she now has.

Why not ?it is a frivolous purchase. Something a child can choose and buy with their own money to enjoy, isnt it better than wasting it on crap from clares or wherever ?

Explain the risks and leave her to put it safely or loose it. Natural consequences- it will be a valuable lesson if it goes wrong. And tell her you’re going to spend a small budget on her costume, whatever you feel you can afford, and if she wants to spend more she has to front the cash herself.

Agree, if you look in George Asda they have halloween things on sale I got 3 of my kids things in there. Plus with it only being the day before halloween I bet a lot of places will have a sale on

At 9 you are the boss not her. If she has a tantrum over it then you put boundaries and consequences in place.
Remain calm. It will get worse if you dont start now.

But there is no creative way. She’s 9. You can’t tell her the money fairy took it away.

You tell her “Remember that the money got lost last time? This is a lot of money and you need to put it somewhere safe. If you can’t do that, I will. It will be there for when you need it.” If she tantrums about that at 9 years old, that is a little bit worrying.

Because the answer was so obvious. Why be creative when being firm is the obvious answer. ignore her tantrums, who does she think she is.

Put the money, all of it except for a tiny amount, into her savings account in her name. Explain that you have done so for safe keeping and explain how she can withdraw the money when she needs it buy something. Ignore the tantrum and when she calms down explain again. Don't get into an argument just be assertive. If she wants to buy something when out shopping with you tell her she needs to use her own money.
Also ask the GM to do a bank transfer and not give cash, explaining that it is not safe.

This ⬆️

I find two options. Gives kids a bit of control, and then you’ve got bribery if an argument occurs ‘you’ve got two options, or would you prefer if I pick?’

‘I know you want the zombie costume for £20 this year for Halloween. I cannot pay for it, so either you can spend your own money on it or if you’d prefer to save your money we can have a look online to do a DIY version/raid your dressing up box?’

‘If you’re going to moan, I won’t help you with a diy costume/take you out for you to buy your new costume’

‘If this behaviour continues you won’t be going trick or treating at all this year’.

Yabu. You are the parent and you need to take control where your child is not being sensible, because they’re a child and their brains are not rational.

My children are mid-late teens and now have several thousands in savings because they have put in the majority of their birthday and Christmas money since they were born. The longer it’s in savings the more chance it has to grow - compound interest.

Be the adult and don’t let your child’s propensity to scream overrule making the best choices.

Unless there is some special needs you haven’t mentioned then no creativity needed here. Just parenting. If she’s still screaming over it then it’s time for firm consequences.

I’d do the same! OP said she’s spending g money she doesn’t have and is overdrawn!

Really weird and not hygienic to keep money under a pillow. You need to explain that she can’t do that, and put some boundaries in place.

Sounds like there's a back story to this. I dont know what's with the vicious pile on.

This !!!
Parent ffs !

This

So right.
I thought OP was going to say she was 15-20. Christ, I don't know if it's the 9 year old or the OP that needs a bloody good talking to!