AITA for proposing to pay 70% of the bills instead of contributing to my GF's mortgage to protect my savings for our future home?

[DrSpongey]

TLDR:

I'm (36M, £28k salary) moving into my GF's (37F, £44k salary) flat in new year. I'm have savings for a future house deposit, she has very limited bar equity she doesnt want to release, wants to at least keep her flat for 10 years to build the equity which makes sense, says in principle she used that to then pay off some of the mortgage if we got a house when I'd put the deposit down which is majority of my life savings before we met.

I suggested paying 70% of all bills to protect my savings instead of contributing to her mortgage. I can tell she thinks it's unfair but won't explicity say so. She has hard time not people pleasing or saying how she really feels with anyone.

My girlfriend (GF) bought her two-bed flat in Feb 2023, well before we met. We're getting serious and planning for me to move in permanently in the New Year—it’s just getting tiring packing and unpacking constantly to come to hers. I lived at home with parents. She comes over very rarely which I get. I actually prefer to be at hers due to better lighting and she encourages it especially in the winter where my mood is low. I moved about daily and workout 2-4 times a week consistently. We both shared domestic labour and contribute halves on food, fuel costs whilst I'm here as well as treating her to little surprises and gifts. She's says she loves having me around but feel there's disconnect and dissonance between what she says and how she actually feels.

The ultimate goal is to buy a house together, which is why I’ve saved up £40-50k for a deposit which is my lifetime savings; she, admittedly, has very little.

The Proposal
We initially agreed to split all costs (including the mortgage) based on our income percentage. Since then, I've had a rethink.

My new proposal is to pay 70% of all the bills (Council Tax, utilities, internet, etc.) but £0 towards her £690/month mortgage.

My Thinking (Why I'm Doing This)
Protecting My Investment: If I pay her mortgage, that money is gone forever if we break up. I don't get equity, and it slows down my ability to save for the massive deposit I plan to use on our joint home and sets me back further in my plans to move out.

The Maths Works Out: I genuinely don't think she's losing money. My high contribution to the bills (£28k vs £44k salary split) essentially frees up her money, which she could then put toward the mortgage herself or save (which I encourage). I'm not trying to short-change her; I'm trying to minimise my risk but genuinely don't think she understands how she could use the money cut back in bills to distribute towards whatever she feels to.

It’s About the Long Game: I want us to succeed, and that means protecting the deposit that will get us into a bigger home together eventually.
She's the kind of person who struggles to express feelings and manages money less consistently than me (her sister basically gifted her most of her savings). She just keeps saying "we need to think about sharing costs fairly," but that's precisely what I feel I'm doing by protecting our future large deposit while still shouldering the majority of our living expenses.
I'm thinking long-term here, not just about the next six months. I've heard too many horror stories as old as time where people get fleeced and dont have cohabiting agreement of some sort.

My concern is if the relationship went completely south I wouldn't see or get that money back. I've also paid for nearly 3k holiday for us to enjoy in December of which she is paying me back monthly for next six months. Her mortgage is relatively low for 2 bed flat in middle of Newport.

I think lot of it, is due to upbringing and culture (Afghan British Muslim). I eventually want to get married and have a child so this would be stepping stone to that. I just want to do this fairly now so by living together for extended period of time permanently, we'll know if we're compatible.

She actually sent me a tiktok about cohabiting agreement a little while ago about cohabiting couple who unlike there friends where it just never got discussed or addressed properly decide to draw up this agreement so there would be no stone unturned or potential messy unwavering consequences so alleviated any pressure or confusion in the way of divisions to allow conscious free state by knowing what each would be entitled to.

AITA for wanting to protect my savings for our future house deposit by paying the vast majority of bills instead of contributing to her existing mortgage?

Thanks,

Rob

Thanks for laying that all out clearly. Makes sense and avoids any ambiguity hithero. This is the best comment. This is probably the guidance and peace of mind I'm looking for.

Anyway we've agreed to sit and settle this and write up cohabiting agreement. This sounds more reasonable and this is split AI suggested. I've also suggested I would cover all bills as a trade off instead of rent/mortgage and she just went sorted but this was over WhatsApp which is never great, told we still need to sit down and go through all the current bills and expenses she pays.

The whole paying to her mortgage contribution i didn't even see it that way until my mate mentioned it on a trip when he was projecting about his ex, I only mention "we're talking about living together in her place next year".

The sanitaries I wouldn't separate. How you read is what was referring to which was the personal treatments which shes been paying for last two years in same way I pay for PT. That's just petty especially when know how much she's struggles with that. Would be ridiculous to separate from just grocery shopping and starts being transactional which is very thing I'm trying to avoid. I just need to feel assure I'm not being taking to cleaners also so that's why I posted to hopefully get objective guidance from those that don't have unconscious bias towards how they may have been treated in their relationships or experiences. I'm not out to get her, I know my privileged. I wish to the commentators who have criticised could actually see what I'm doing and have been doing as committed loving partner and my intentions and theu would probably understand within few seconds of meeting me I'm soft gentle person not some massive Narcissist who's looking to take advantage. I've had to deal with shed load of criticism and even had female friend told me compromise. No one is by any means perfect but I just want to do what is fair. No is free from criticism of course but I've actually had to put up with lot of immature and childish stuff when I just try to lead with good intentions. So it might make you re think some of you criticisms and judgements before you know someone. As a researcher and empath, you don't think I don't self reflect and overthink internalise lot of these judgements already. So get why people are critical but I'm honestly just trying to do what is right. People tell us we need to protect ourselves too so just want to know I'm not just blindly agreeing to something where I could be taken advantage of and don't get what's so wrong with wanting to be clear and upfront about that. I love and care about her a lot, that's why trying to do what is best. It was her suggestion originally for me to move in, I've never pressured her for me to. I enjoy being productive and doing things that benefit both of us.

I have thought about living by myself but realistically I have to share with others and I don't want to do that. She doesn't want me to either.

Exactly, I'm am just trying to be well adjusted reasonable adult by doing this honest and fair way whilst ensuring we're both protected. I just don't know why it needs to be overly complicated. The whole 70% thing was because of my my mate when he talked about not paying her mortgage and paying more towards bills as a trade off and tbh he articulated it better than I did. Beforehand when we roughly did it with AIs help, I was happy with the proportional split of everything.

To all the commentators who have accused me of all sorts and judgemental things, I understand why. We all have to look after number 1 too. Also it's not particularly beneficial for people to be fighting amongst themselves, of course everyone is gonna have different view but was posting more to get consensus of what would be fair and best way to work this out

Irrelevant. I said 'where you end up helping her pay off her mortgage', not that he is paying off her mortgage.

And yes, that is exactly what he would be doing.

We've never quibbles over that, those were exact words. I didn't really know what meant and look like.

It would be extremely petty of me to think like that. We both pay for own personal care anyway but I have no issue with sanitary products, just don't want to fund what is already currently funding herself in terms of her treatements in same way I don't expect her to.

The sanitaries I wouldn't separate. How you read is what was referring to which was the personal treatments which shes been paying for last two years in same way I pay for PT.

Why does she think you should be helping her pay for her treatments?

She sounds like a nutjob, unless you are the one asking her to be waxed or have her nails done?

OP,
a) this is Mumsnet. It's not known for being soft and fluffy.
b) you posted in AIBU. It's a bunfight in here. You need a thick skin.

You can tell the posters who've just gone "over here! It's a man - lynch him!) and those who just have a different opinion to you. FWIW I'm a woman. I've been in an abusive relationship where I was financially abused as part of that. The advice I gave is the same advice I give everyone who comes on here asking this type of question, with the added advice in this case that from what you've said I believe your GF is after using you for money to fund her expensive lifestyle.

Periperi, since you asked - I've said before and I'll say again, I don't believe paying towards bills proportional to income is parasitic. I do believe asking someone to pay towards the mortgage of a house they don't own is parasitic. I also think expecting your partner to pay towards your beauty treatments is parasitic. So yeh, I don't think she's asking him to move in out of love, I think it's because she wants the money she can get out of him, which makes her a parasite in my eyes.

Mortgage consists of equity and interest.
Interest is effectively a rent, consumed that month.

I don't see why asking someone to participate on covering the interest part would be parasitic.

OP thinks that this is the point in their relationship to split things 28/44 ratio, based on their relative salaries. I disagree. I think this should be at a later point when they buy together, marry or have a child. They are in very early days at the moment.

His girlfriend is entitled to save or spend (on beauty treatments) the rental income/ savings from sharing bills however she pleases, this is NOT parasitic.

The original poster literally mentions “sanitaries”, by which I assume he means sanitary towels/ tampons, in the same post as mentioning it costing more to be a woman.

It would be taking the piss for her to expect him to pay for beauty treatments and expensive serums. But begrudging her a box of Tampax in the weekly grocery shop is ridiculous.

I've asked her about paying contribution to the mortgage interest but she said don't want to do that because it seems too complicated.

She also says its unnecessary time. Not sure why she views it that way. I said "As I said, we need to work this out properly, let's not rush into this, lets set time aside to go through it on Sunday"

Her response was

I am not rushing, I don’t want to spend a lot of unnecessary time on it as well. My response was that "i mean, I wouldn't view it that way, it's important"

She has since gone to suggest when mentioned three months trial "For a trial of 3 months, let’s just agree on you paying the bills (366 monthly), annual ground rent of 250£ and 50/50 towards food and groceries"

What do you think @Pumpkinsonastring ?

Pay half of reasonable rent into a joint account that requires two signatures to get it out.

Or split it so 1/2 of it goes into a savings account in her name and 1/2 into an account in your name. Which is fairish and you can both put the savings towards a deposit, but you can't financially rinse her " ohhh for deposit babe" and then break up and walk away without having paid your way.

@DrSpongey I think that’s fair

It’s good to do a trial.

I’m a bit worried that you are financially incompatible, given your comments about expensive groceries.

"So if you pay the bills (366£) for now as energy and service charge and council tax changes every year, I will pay the rest including mortgage and ground rent. We will do 50/50 as we have been with groceries and other expenses

If anything stops working, we will both contribute toward fixing"

"Tbh, it is complicated. I am happy for you to pay the bills (currently £366) and we do 50/50 wirh food and other small costs like cleaning items etc"

"If you want, you can pay £250 annually that can go towards ground rent but I won’t want you to pay rent as thr post suggests in terms of contributing to interest"

"For a trial of 3 months, let’s just agree on you paying the bills (366 monthly), annual ground rent of 250£ and 50/50 towards food and groceries"

This is what she stated. Can someone please explain this to me?
It feels litter with contradictions. She can expect me cover annual ground rent if I'm doing trial for 3 months, that's taking the piss surely?

I said would cover all the bills, split the food groceries and cleaning costs whilst she covers her mortage? Surely, that's more than fair, right?

I think you might not be financially compatible as you clearly have different priorities - short term luxuries vs long term investment.

1. She should charge you whatever rent she thinks is reasonable as part of a lodger agreement. A lodger agreement is supposed to include all bills. Keep in mind she will lose the single person council tax discount so that bill will go up by 20%. Ground rent could be £250/12=£20.83 a month.
2. You don't get to live rent-free. Don't be a cocklodger. If you want to live rent free then stay with your parents.
3. It is not to her benefit for you to pay (part of) 'the mortgage' or ground rent. This could give you an interest in her property while you're in a trial period, and would be a legal mess if the trial period doesn't work out.
4. A lodger agreement would allow you to move out immediately without further costs if it goes wrong.
5. You could invest your cash more wisely than a savings account.
6. Come to an agreement for the first 3 months, then see whether it needs to be amended.

Sorry, make that 25% for the lost council tax discount. So if she pays £100 now it will go up to £133.33.

I think that you are right to protect your savings, your gf is earning a lot more than you so you paying 70% of the bills seems a fair deal as she needs to pay her mortgage whether you live there or not.
If she is not happy with the deal perhaps you need to have a rethink about your relationship.

Well Op, what confusion!

I'm not going to add to it apart from to say - do not under any circumstances pay mortgage on a property that you do not own. You split up - you lose.
Honestly, someone has already suggested this - go rent somewhere alone for a while. Even if it's just 6 months. See how you feel after that.

Why do you keep substituting the present for the past tense?

But how much rent are you paying at the moment??

also you must be paying 100% of utilities and their standing charges so you should be quids in. How much are your existing costs v your proposed costs??

I’m glad you’ve backtracked on not paying half of sanitary wear in the weekly shop, if it bothers you that much you should do separate shops and have cupboard with your names on

Bad habits. I evidently meant the past tense in that comment.

Why you choosing to focus on that? I had meant *I had asked Gemini. Surely, you could have made a logical inference from what I said in that comment. Honestly, give me a break.

Folks you know the rules re troll/AI hunting - just report the post.

Don't engage with them OP, they know what to do.

My bills without rent is 730. I don't pay rent to parents as stopped at beginning of year in order to help me save for bigger deposit.

I never meant I wouldn't pay for sanitary products, what meant was the personal care treatments when she had just said "and being woman is more expensive, there's cost to there in skincare" and becsuse she's been paying for laser and microneedling I was like wait? What does this mean? And she didn't really explain, she just said that comment and left it at that.

It's never bothered me, it wouldn't even come into mind. That's just ridiculous petty. I am not petty person like that. I wish people wouldn't make assumptions based either on their own projected trauma or experiences with bad men.

I get it Men are assholes. I don't even like Men or bond with them because whole lads banter isnt even remotely funny to me, i find it cringe, i prefer more intelligent clever dry and dark humour. I hate patriarchy. It's all bullshit and against who i fundamentally am. I love to lead and be protector and provider as it keeps me busy and enjoy it but wprming hard to build something here so all stereotypes and criticism I'm getting i feel is just reflection of all bad experiences I've repeatedly read on here and horror stories.

I actually prefer insight of a woman and speaking to a woman who often have lot more perspective. But wish people would try and be curious instead of judging me and try to at least understand my intentions. I often feel I'm always having to justify myself to everyone. Even explaining things I shouldn't have to thst others are told they don't have to just because I'm constantly questioned so i stop apologising now.

People take advantage of my sensitive nature for laugh at there expense snd worse part they know it but they dont care about that when I just try to understand things myself. They're flippant. They just wind me up. I'm not designed for this world tbh and neither is my girlfriend because shes deeply caring person and she's sensitive too. These are words too before anyone jumps the gun. I care a lot about people and just wish like here people wouldnt jump to conclusions. I care deeply and profoundly about my partner otherwise wouldnt be asking here on what's fair.

I know it was sarcastic glib comment about the cupboards not to be taken literally but come on, this is a future I'm trying to build with here

You should pay half bills and half of the interest part of her mortgage which is basically like rent. If you’re not happy to do that don’t move in and let her get a lodger instead.

Because I'm questioning how much of this is AI

I would totally only pay below market rent to share a bedroom with tbe owner. Market rent I want a bedroom to myself for!

but otherwise yes op should pay half bills plus rent. She should be better off for you being there and you should be better off compared to renting (here I do not care that one partner was living at home so no costs, go live back at home then if you want to argue home was free)