AITA for proposing to pay 70% of the bills instead of contributing to my GF's mortgage to protect my savings for our future home?

[DrSpongey]

TLDR:

I'm (36M, £28k salary) moving into my GF's (37F, £44k salary) flat in new year. I'm have savings for a future house deposit, she has very limited bar equity she doesnt want to release, wants to at least keep her flat for 10 years to build the equity which makes sense, says in principle she used that to then pay off some of the mortgage if we got a house when I'd put the deposit down which is majority of my life savings before we met.

I suggested paying 70% of all bills to protect my savings instead of contributing to her mortgage. I can tell she thinks it's unfair but won't explicity say so. She has hard time not people pleasing or saying how she really feels with anyone.

My girlfriend (GF) bought her two-bed flat in Feb 2023, well before we met. We're getting serious and planning for me to move in permanently in the New Year—it’s just getting tiring packing and unpacking constantly to come to hers. I lived at home with parents. She comes over very rarely which I get. I actually prefer to be at hers due to better lighting and she encourages it especially in the winter where my mood is low. I moved about daily and workout 2-4 times a week consistently. We both shared domestic labour and contribute halves on food, fuel costs whilst I'm here as well as treating her to little surprises and gifts. She's says she loves having me around but feel there's disconnect and dissonance between what she says and how she actually feels.

The ultimate goal is to buy a house together, which is why I’ve saved up £40-50k for a deposit which is my lifetime savings; she, admittedly, has very little.

The Proposal
We initially agreed to split all costs (including the mortgage) based on our income percentage. Since then, I've had a rethink.

My new proposal is to pay 70% of all the bills (Council Tax, utilities, internet, etc.) but £0 towards her £690/month mortgage.

My Thinking (Why I'm Doing This)
Protecting My Investment: If I pay her mortgage, that money is gone forever if we break up. I don't get equity, and it slows down my ability to save for the massive deposit I plan to use on our joint home and sets me back further in my plans to move out.

The Maths Works Out: I genuinely don't think she's losing money. My high contribution to the bills (£28k vs £44k salary split) essentially frees up her money, which she could then put toward the mortgage herself or save (which I encourage). I'm not trying to short-change her; I'm trying to minimise my risk but genuinely don't think she understands how she could use the money cut back in bills to distribute towards whatever she feels to.

It’s About the Long Game: I want us to succeed, and that means protecting the deposit that will get us into a bigger home together eventually.
She's the kind of person who struggles to express feelings and manages money less consistently than me (her sister basically gifted her most of her savings). She just keeps saying "we need to think about sharing costs fairly," but that's precisely what I feel I'm doing by protecting our future large deposit while still shouldering the majority of our living expenses.
I'm thinking long-term here, not just about the next six months. I've heard too many horror stories as old as time where people get fleeced and dont have cohabiting agreement of some sort.

My concern is if the relationship went completely south I wouldn't see or get that money back. I've also paid for nearly 3k holiday for us to enjoy in December of which she is paying me back monthly for next six months. Her mortgage is relatively low for 2 bed flat in middle of Newport.

I think lot of it, is due to upbringing and culture (Afghan British Muslim). I eventually want to get married and have a child so this would be stepping stone to that. I just want to do this fairly now so by living together for extended period of time permanently, we'll know if we're compatible.

She actually sent me a tiktok about cohabiting agreement a little while ago about cohabiting couple who unlike there friends where it just never got discussed or addressed properly decide to draw up this agreement so there would be no stone unturned or potential messy unwavering consequences so alleviated any pressure or confusion in the way of divisions to allow conscious free state by knowing what each would be entitled to.

AITA for wanting to protect my savings for our future house deposit by paying the vast majority of bills instead of contributing to her existing mortgage?

Thanks,

Rob

Any 'rent's you'd pay is tangibly the same as any contribution towards her mortgage so its pointless to argue on that point.

There's no right or wrong to go about it. When I first move with my now husband, I took a co pletely different approach and made it clear 'stated in description of the bank transfer' that I was paying towards bill AND mortgage. That's because if we were to separated, I could potentially justify in court that I had a stake on equity (potentially depending on other circumstances too but it was some very small protection against them claiming I was paying rent).

As it is, we married so it all became redundant.

I think your way sounds fair. I agree she can use money saved on bills to pay off her mortgage if she wishes.

I also think you talk about your partner as if you dont have much respect for her.

How about you pay 50% of the bills and put the rent you would owe into a savings account which if you break up you split with her? And if not you add to your deposit.

This person has solved it! Thread closed

I think it’s fair enough not to contribute to capital payments on a mortgage but the interest is essentially dead money like rent. So half the interest payment of mortgage/ half the bills. Save the remainder in case it goes badly or as a deposit to “buy in” if it goes well.

🙄 There's always wan

Yes, if OPs DP were on here asking for advice I'd be pointing out to her that allowing someone to pay towards your mortgage is a risk. At least get a couple of years of successful cohabitation behind you before having the discussion!

I think you're suggestion is fair, but I think you should be saving towards a house together if that is your intended outcome. So the savings you have already are yours, but anything going forward should be in a joint account that is halved if you split so you both gain from what has been saved through not paying her rent.

Her bills are excluding the mortgage of £690, is £480 but then she has told me £1400 all in the past but that's her personal laser appointments and microneedling. She also said last night it costs more to be woman so there's implication there that would need to also goes halves on her personal care and sanitaries. So that doesn't feel fair as wouldn't expect her to fund my personal care. I'm splitting costs of groceries fuel and other expenses.

No it's my intention.

She has agreed to cohabiting agreement but without putting me on mortgage but doesn't want to do anything with equity if was contributing to her mortgage. She wants me to pay allowance/rent and bills. I just feel confused now as to what right thing is to do that's fair and proportional and protects both.

I just don't feel its fair for me as lower earner and to be financial burden strain on to effectively profiteering by reducing her already very small mortgage monthly payment long term while she builds up equity if then she was to kick me to curb anytime. Isn't the whole point of cohabiting agreement to protect us both? She feels if was then entitled to equity she would be homeless if she had to release it? It's like she treating me as lodger not a romantic partner, yet she's always saying to be fair and that we're partners but her actions seem to contradict that and aren't consistent whereas mine are. I'm not trying to be difficult, I just want to get to agreement where we both feel comfortable and content for both our peace of mind so it doesn't lead to resentment or arguments down the line.

Tbh I maybe have framed it in a way she doesn't understand but not sure how else could explain it as did initially explain it calmly and clear at the weekend.

Hell I'm happy to pay all the bills then she can cover mortgage.

The original way sounded the fairest to me, and would be setting you both up as you mean to go forward as a couple presumably, sharing costs fairly.

Based on you both contributing an amount relative to your wages, you would be paying about £268 a month "rent" if you want to phrase it that way. That's hardly being fleeced if it doesn't work out. I don't know what it's like where you are but where I live you'd pay 3-4 times that for a room in a 2 bed flat.

The way you speak about your girlfriend is quite condescending by the way, her grasp on her finances can't be that bad as she's a homeowner with a relatively low mortgage and has managed her household alone for the last few years.

Plus rent.

Pay am amount equivalent to half the bills which presumably are in her name
Set up joint account for food and household expenses and pay in a set amount each month - nationwide flex is good as it has insurances with it for a small monthly fee.
Pay half the mortgage into a joint account. If it goes tits up you both walk away with something. If it doesn’t you can use that money for a house deposit or whatever.
She is still financially better off as she is spending less on bills.
Who will pay for upkeep of her property? Things needed for the home?

How long have you two been together?

Tbh I wouldn't let you move in. The way you write makes you sound like you always think you know best and you look down on her. A life with you would be a life of every penny being counted, and you really sound like you're pushing her to accept your proposal and only your proposal. I'd run a mile.

Well there is a massive difference between 1400 and 480!?

she seriously cannot expect you to part fund her laser and beauty treatments directly!?

A mortgage is made up of capital and interest. Interest is like rent, youre not paying anything off with it. It’s just a necessary thing you have to pay if you want to stay in a house.

So i always think half of everything - except the
mortgage CAPITAL payments, is fair.

The mortgage capital in mine is roughly a third and the interest two thirds. She’d have to check her annual mortgage statement to see what hers is as it comes out monthly but in one chunk so you cant tell from a bank statement.

Surely that is more than fair considering she earns more than you?

The other way would be to do a percentage of everything. The higher earner paying slightly more (you can work it out to the exact percentage) and she would pay all the mortgage capital herself (and you split the mortgage interest the same as the other bills).

i agree that half of the bills is fair and then a contribution towards maintenance of the property so you are not paying her mortgage but whilst there you are contributing to the upkeep of the house you are living in which is fair.

But he can't expect her to fund 50% of the grocery bill, when he no doubt eats approx 20% more than her.

So, £690 mortgage, approx 2/3 of that will be interest, so effectively rent to the bank, not money she will ever see again. So £455 'rent', you can pay half of that £228.

Plus half of the bills £240, but you need to correct that figure for any increases due to your presence (loss of 25% council tax reduction, more hot water used, more water use if on a meter).

So minimum you should pay is £468

Which is significantly more that the 70% of bills you expect to pay which covers to £336

You also need to pay approx 20% more for food as a man, unless you have very basic taste and she has expensive taste that only she eats.

It is up to her if she then saves this extra money or not, she is an adult, if you think she is bad with money the correct approach is to not get in to a long term relationship with her rather than trying to control her financially by saving the money yourself for the sake of you 'possible' shared future.

Should have added, the splitting bills relative to earnings, i think, comes later when either you buy together, marry, or have a baby. Not now when you are just trying out at living together.

Why do you think that you should live rent free?!
It's not paying her mortgage for you then to loose all that money if you do split, it's literally paying rent for where you live. You can't think that she should pay the complete cost of the roof over your head? Bills are separate.
You've not been together very long, so should be paying 50/50 for now.

Its mainly ladies on here, but I'm one of the male mumsnetters...

Mate, you are massively over complicating this - you are moving in with her (great), that might though be the kiss of death on the relationship (often happens) so I would be keeping things fair and simple for now.

She has monthly outgoings, so as there are now two of you residing in the flat, for now, simply pay HALF of that outgoing as a rent.

Give it 6 months and re-evaluate, if things are progressing well you can look at a legal co-habiting agreement or having your name appended to the mortgage and title.

Keeping things fair will avoid one party feeling used or that the other isn't paying their way. If it goes the distance and you buy together and stay together for the long haul, it matters not anyway.

Good luck

You pay 50% of joint bills and some agreed amount of rent. How you save up for a future home together and fund that is a separate discussion.

^this !!!

If he makes much less than she does, then it would be fair for him to pay a lower percentage of the bills, in proportion to their relative after-tax incomes. Before tax he makes a little under 40% of the combined household income and she makes a little over 60%. After tax it may be slightly different, but 40% before accounting for rent is probably about right.

It would probably also be fair for him to additionally pay directly to her an amount equal to 40% of the market rent on the flat. That amount might coincidentally get him to 70% of the bills, or it might not.

The fact that he has £40-50k in savings that were accumulated before they were together should not affect his contribution: she is not entitled to money that he earned before they met! At most one could add approximately £2k to his income to reflect the interest he can earn on those savings.

She buys lot of expensive Asian international food products and spices and meats. We eat the same and leave leftovers for the next day.

I try to make alternative accommodations or suggestions for cutting down food costs but it gets justified to why we need need by her rather than being open to compromising to alternatives. So eventually I give up because I just accept it.

I just feel like I'm bad guy no matter what do provide and try to do right thing. Not a pity party just stating how try to suggest provisions but usually it falls on deaf ears or get shutdown and told we need it.

In my opinion she has expensive taste and lot of time she doesn't bother to eat or drink properly even though try to help out. I feel I can get criticised. I do more than my fair share, I wish people could actually see what I'm doing then they'd might understand my intentions aren't bad and would see I'm actually compromising a lot but dont complain, I just get on with it.

£45k of savings that if he has used his ISA allowance each year, will be being in approx £2k of interest annually.

Where is that coming in to your equations.

OP is taking the piss.