AITA for proposing to pay 70% of the bills instead of contributing to my GF's mortgage to protect my savings for our future home?

[DrSpongey]

TLDR:

I'm (36M, £28k salary) moving into my GF's (37F, £44k salary) flat in new year. I'm have savings for a future house deposit, she has very limited bar equity she doesnt want to release, wants to at least keep her flat for 10 years to build the equity which makes sense, says in principle she used that to then pay off some of the mortgage if we got a house when I'd put the deposit down which is majority of my life savings before we met.

I suggested paying 70% of all bills to protect my savings instead of contributing to her mortgage. I can tell she thinks it's unfair but won't explicity say so. She has hard time not people pleasing or saying how she really feels with anyone.

My girlfriend (GF) bought her two-bed flat in Feb 2023, well before we met. We're getting serious and planning for me to move in permanently in the New Year—it’s just getting tiring packing and unpacking constantly to come to hers. I lived at home with parents. She comes over very rarely which I get. I actually prefer to be at hers due to better lighting and she encourages it especially in the winter where my mood is low. I moved about daily and workout 2-4 times a week consistently. We both shared domestic labour and contribute halves on food, fuel costs whilst I'm here as well as treating her to little surprises and gifts. She's says she loves having me around but feel there's disconnect and dissonance between what she says and how she actually feels.

The ultimate goal is to buy a house together, which is why I’ve saved up £40-50k for a deposit which is my lifetime savings; she, admittedly, has very little.

The Proposal
We initially agreed to split all costs (including the mortgage) based on our income percentage. Since then, I've had a rethink.

My new proposal is to pay 70% of all the bills (Council Tax, utilities, internet, etc.) but £0 towards her £690/month mortgage.

My Thinking (Why I'm Doing This)
Protecting My Investment: If I pay her mortgage, that money is gone forever if we break up. I don't get equity, and it slows down my ability to save for the massive deposit I plan to use on our joint home and sets me back further in my plans to move out.

The Maths Works Out: I genuinely don't think she's losing money. My high contribution to the bills (£28k vs £44k salary split) essentially frees up her money, which she could then put toward the mortgage herself or save (which I encourage). I'm not trying to short-change her; I'm trying to minimise my risk but genuinely don't think she understands how she could use the money cut back in bills to distribute towards whatever she feels to.

It’s About the Long Game: I want us to succeed, and that means protecting the deposit that will get us into a bigger home together eventually.
She's the kind of person who struggles to express feelings and manages money less consistently than me (her sister basically gifted her most of her savings). She just keeps saying "we need to think about sharing costs fairly," but that's precisely what I feel I'm doing by protecting our future large deposit while still shouldering the majority of our living expenses.
I'm thinking long-term here, not just about the next six months. I've heard too many horror stories as old as time where people get fleeced and dont have cohabiting agreement of some sort.

My concern is if the relationship went completely south I wouldn't see or get that money back. I've also paid for nearly 3k holiday for us to enjoy in December of which she is paying me back monthly for next six months. Her mortgage is relatively low for 2 bed flat in middle of Newport.

I think lot of it, is due to upbringing and culture (Afghan British Muslim). I eventually want to get married and have a child so this would be stepping stone to that. I just want to do this fairly now so by living together for extended period of time permanently, we'll know if we're compatible.

She actually sent me a tiktok about cohabiting agreement a little while ago about cohabiting couple who unlike there friends where it just never got discussed or addressed properly decide to draw up this agreement so there would be no stone unturned or potential messy unwavering consequences so alleviated any pressure or confusion in the way of divisions to allow conscious free state by knowing what each would be entitled to.

AITA for wanting to protect my savings for our future house deposit by paying the vast majority of bills instead of contributing to her existing mortgage?

Thanks,

Rob

Equivalency - I didn’t think I needed to spell it out. It’s obvious.

That’s ridiculous. He pays market rent for a home he does not have sole use of, and she gets to pay off her mortgage and have him contribute to the bills?

How is that equivalency?!

Silly response. Why would you not ask women what they thought was fair. Do you really hate men that much?

He pays the EQUIVALENT of what would be market rate for someone with use of a room and facilities. Why should he not pay any money for his accommodation? That’s mad. I can’t make you see common sense. And in case you missed it - because you did - I said he shouldn’t contribute to the mortgage - but she can do what she wants with her money.

You’re backtracking. You said ‘And pay her an amount for rent. Nothing to do with the mortgage - pay the going market rate for rent’. You’re now changing it to pay her the ‘EQUIVALENT of what would be market rate for someone with use of a room and facilities’ because you’ve realised how ridiculous your post was.

I didn’t say he shouldn’t pay her rent but your suggestion lacked any vestige of common sense.

@DrSpongey you should pay 50% of bills but NOTHING towards the mortgage. It's not your property.

Or she treats you as a lodger and you pay her rent.

I can show you the prompt if you like but it was essentially my original pasted message followed by "Please can you condense this draft to make it 6000 characters whilst retaining most of my original tone". I never asked anything else.

I think you are being very disingenuous here.
Why on earth do you think you should live rent free?
You are 36 and still live at home?
Bloody hell, time to grow up and pay your way!

I've read much worse AI.

sets me back further in my plans to move out But you are moving out, in with her? How are you looking at this - as a relationship or financial arrangement?

genuinely don't think she understands how she could use the money cut back in bills to distribute towards whatever she feels to

I don't think you're super wrong that she's not making financial sense. But does it really matter?

I would basically ask her directly what amount in £ does she think is fair? That's the only way you'll know where she is coming from.

wants to at least keep her flat for 10 years to build the equity which makes sense, says in principle she used that to then pay off some of the mortgage if we got a house when I'd put the deposit down which is majority of my life savings before we met.

So you plan to buy a home presumably in less than 10 years with your deposit. Given that it will be your deposit, how much say will she have on the property, the furnishings etc. After owning my own place, I'd want an equal say in where and how I live.

It doesn't really make sense - equity grows on any decent property. It sounds like she wants to use some of the equity on herself, and some of it on your TBC mortgage. That's how I read it anyway.

I am not. I said pay rent equivalent to market value. That means market value of what he is getting - i.e. a room, use of facilities etc. Wasn't ridiculous at all - I was clear from the beginning. You're just being a bit of an arse for no reason.

Honestly, would you not be better off saving properly for your own place or save for your first place together? This all sounds very complicated and unnecessarily stressful. Arguing over who pays what before you even live together is not the best sign to me

You should pay all household expenses including housing costs in proportion to your incomes. She earns more, so should pay more as per her extra income. But it will cost you more than say £300 a month to privately rent a room in a flat, so contributing to housing costs proportionally is a fantastic deal for you.

I can’t see how paying off some landlord’s mortgage with your rent is fine, but paying off your partner’s mortgage who you live with and plan to create a financial future with isn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does the extra 20% you pay equate to half of the going rent rate?

If its less then you both need to discuss this because at the moment it sounds like you will pay extra 20%, get to save and live rent free at her expense.

Half the bills including house insurance, and ground rent plus half the mortgage interest. More than half the food bill as presumably you eat more as a man. Would be more reasonable.

She can still fully cover the repayment component of the mortgage and all maintenance/ home improvements costs, as this adds capital/equity.

I think it is too early in the relationship to be splitting things according to how much you each earn. Keep it 50/50 at this stage.

I don't understand. You say you don't think she'll be losing out financially, but that your way you will be more able to save and it won't touch your savings. Both cannot be true. If she isn't losing out financially compared to your original agreement that means you'll be spending the same amount of money, so it will have the same impact on your ability to save or use of your savings. It ultimately doesn't matter whether the money you contribute is earmarked for mortgage or for bills. It is the same money going out of your account. You need to remember that this is not the same as living with family. You are moving out of home and therefore need to pay rent and bills. If you dont want to pay rent and bills, you should continue to stay with your parents.

Have you ever lived on your own as an adult and taken care of your own place and paid rent?

I knew I'd get that unwavering judgement. Tell me something I've not heard and internalised thousand times over

Not by myself no, only with a previous partner and family

IMO you'd be mental to pay towards the mortgage of a house you don't own. If you're the higher earner a higher % of the bills is fair, otherwise if you earn equal I'd pay bills 50/50 and she pays her mortgage herself because it's her house and you'd have no claims to it if you split up (although you could challenge that in court if you'd been paying towards the mortgage and could prove it, so it's foolish of her to risk it too IMO, especially if she's already built up equity).

If you move in together at a later date and she has a higher deposit to add from the sale of her house than you do in savings, you can get the ownership % of the new house set up accordingly. Used to be called tenants in common versus joint tenants, but I think it's called something else now although it's the same principle. With the former you can decide the percentage yourself and leave your bit in a will to whoever eg kids from a previous relationship, with the latter you both own it 100% so in the event of a divorce that's 50/50, or in the event of death the remaining one now owns it all.

It's only when you marry that you totally combine finances (in the event of a divorce, that is. You can obviously do whatever suits you both and you agree on during marriage, no need to have joint accounts if you don't want to. But legally everything you both own is basically belonging to both of you, for the purposes of it being divided up in a divorce, regardless of who's name is on what).

I'd have a go at the living alone part first it's an important phase of life IMO and teaches you a lot about yourself and what you want from life and a relationship. As well as helping make a person a well rounded adult. It's true independence even if you're just renting a room as a lodger. It's not the same as the compromises that come with living under your parents roof or living with a partner. I don't see how anyone can truly choose a life partner versus singledom when you've never lived alone and experienced that (even if you're not actually single, it gives you a taste of it because you've space to do your own things and be totally yourself, even if you're committed to someone and won't be dating anyone else).

can’t see how paying off some landlord’s mortgage with your rent is fine, but paying off your partner’s mortgage who you live with and plan to create a financial future with isn’t

Because when you rent you feel like the place is (temporarily) yours. Even if you're renting with someone else. It feels equal in a way that living in a partner's home never quite does, because they own it and you don't. When you rent from a landlord you don't share a bed with them, they can't evict you because you've had a row and you get to do the small things like choose your own furniture etc instead of moving into somewhere where someone else has chosen it. You get to create a home (temporarily) when you rent, that's what you're paying for. When you move in with a partner it's never quite the same because you've got no rights to stay there at all, you're moving into someone else's home.

Unlikely I'll be able to save any by that amount. My income is my limiting factor here that I'm working on

He is offering to pay the majority of her bills (including council tax presumably) whilst she carries on paying off her own mortgage.

She wins in this situation - she is paying her mortgage off (which she’d have to do if she were single) and 30% of the amount she’d otherwise have to pay in bills.

She can save that amount and pay off more of her mortgage. If she marries OP she will also have access to his large deposit. If they break up she has been able to overpay her mortgage with the saved bill money.

I think this is a fair agreement.

You ought to pay her rent - otherwise you're essentially sponging off her. It's not 'contributing to her mortgage', it's paying her rent.

She would be unreasonable to charge you market rate, as you're partners, but if you pay £350 a month you're getting an excellent deal still and she won't feel like she's subsidising you.

@DrSpongey what is 50% of bills in £
How much is her mortgage monthly.
The issue may not be the cash itself but the way you’ve framed it (which comes across as selfish and money grabbing though I see that isn’t your intention)