AITA for proposing to pay 70% of the bills instead of contributing to my GF's mortgage to protect my savings for our future home?

[DrSpongey]

TLDR:

I'm (36M, £28k salary) moving into my GF's (37F, £44k salary) flat in new year. I'm have savings for a future house deposit, she has very limited bar equity she doesnt want to release, wants to at least keep her flat for 10 years to build the equity which makes sense, says in principle she used that to then pay off some of the mortgage if we got a house when I'd put the deposit down which is majority of my life savings before we met.

I suggested paying 70% of all bills to protect my savings instead of contributing to her mortgage. I can tell she thinks it's unfair but won't explicity say so. She has hard time not people pleasing or saying how she really feels with anyone.

My girlfriend (GF) bought her two-bed flat in Feb 2023, well before we met. We're getting serious and planning for me to move in permanently in the New Year—it’s just getting tiring packing and unpacking constantly to come to hers. I lived at home with parents. She comes over very rarely which I get. I actually prefer to be at hers due to better lighting and she encourages it especially in the winter where my mood is low. I moved about daily and workout 2-4 times a week consistently. We both shared domestic labour and contribute halves on food, fuel costs whilst I'm here as well as treating her to little surprises and gifts. She's says she loves having me around but feel there's disconnect and dissonance between what she says and how she actually feels.

The ultimate goal is to buy a house together, which is why I’ve saved up £40-50k for a deposit which is my lifetime savings; she, admittedly, has very little.

The Proposal
We initially agreed to split all costs (including the mortgage) based on our income percentage. Since then, I've had a rethink.

My new proposal is to pay 70% of all the bills (Council Tax, utilities, internet, etc.) but £0 towards her £690/month mortgage.

My Thinking (Why I'm Doing This)
Protecting My Investment: If I pay her mortgage, that money is gone forever if we break up. I don't get equity, and it slows down my ability to save for the massive deposit I plan to use on our joint home and sets me back further in my plans to move out.

The Maths Works Out: I genuinely don't think she's losing money. My high contribution to the bills (£28k vs £44k salary split) essentially frees up her money, which she could then put toward the mortgage herself or save (which I encourage). I'm not trying to short-change her; I'm trying to minimise my risk but genuinely don't think she understands how she could use the money cut back in bills to distribute towards whatever she feels to.

It’s About the Long Game: I want us to succeed, and that means protecting the deposit that will get us into a bigger home together eventually.
She's the kind of person who struggles to express feelings and manages money less consistently than me (her sister basically gifted her most of her savings). She just keeps saying "we need to think about sharing costs fairly," but that's precisely what I feel I'm doing by protecting our future large deposit while still shouldering the majority of our living expenses.
I'm thinking long-term here, not just about the next six months. I've heard too many horror stories as old as time where people get fleeced and dont have cohabiting agreement of some sort.

My concern is if the relationship went completely south I wouldn't see or get that money back. I've also paid for nearly 3k holiday for us to enjoy in December of which she is paying me back monthly for next six months. Her mortgage is relatively low for 2 bed flat in middle of Newport.

I think lot of it, is due to upbringing and culture (Afghan British Muslim). I eventually want to get married and have a child so this would be stepping stone to that. I just want to do this fairly now so by living together for extended period of time permanently, we'll know if we're compatible.

She actually sent me a tiktok about cohabiting agreement a little while ago about cohabiting couple who unlike there friends where it just never got discussed or addressed properly decide to draw up this agreement so there would be no stone unturned or potential messy unwavering consequences so alleviated any pressure or confusion in the way of divisions to allow conscious free state by knowing what each would be entitled to.

AITA for wanting to protect my savings for our future house deposit by paying the vast majority of bills instead of contributing to her existing mortgage?

Thanks,

Rob

She doesn't need to change her lifestyle to accommodate you at this stage, and NEVER if you don't ever have kids together.

I would pay all the bills and half the food shop . I think paying rent is pointless and starts to look very transactional . It’s her asset not yours . If she’s paying no bills, she is saving , as well as building an asset ( although in a downturn not so much so in the short term) - she can’t have a ‘huge’ mortgage looking at her salary if it was done just on her wage - doubt it’s more than £1100 and would have to pay it whether you were there or not. This way she gets the bills relating to the house all paid.

He's making £2k a year interest on HIS asset. She will see nothing of that, he will be using HER asset.
OP is taking the piss!

@Periperi2025 sorry but I don’t agree- it’s not as if he’s going to be living there totally for free - she would have that bill money to pay too if he wasn’t paying it

Honestly this has disaster written all over it unless you are both on the same page financially. Suggest you both go through the utility and other bills over last 22 months to work out what they actually are. Split them 50:50 going forward once the number is known. Go through grocery spending next. Agree a budget that you split going forward. One that is agreed and specified. Have cash kitty which is used and stop spending when it's gone each week.
Then agree a rent amount that you both are happy with which is paid separately. She can choose what to do with this. Save or overpay mortgage. None of your concern and it will be useful for her to make her own decisions and for you to understand her priorities.
You are not financially linked and just boyfriend and girlfriend at moment. Don't get ahead of yourselves with plans for future house buying and other financial decisions. Get a cohabitation agreement drawn up to reflect these decisions and enjoy living together, or not, without the commitments that come with joint finances.

She should give you a wide berth, IMHO! You aren’t ready to live with anyone yet,
and I don’t see what she has to gain from moving you in. If she would like some rent £ then she should rent out her spare room and save herself the constant hassle over what food she does or doesn’t buy!

And bills go up with 2 people living in a house over 1 person…

Yeah that's not going to work and isn't fair on her at all.

If they did that where I live he would be paying about £700 for a room, so more than her mortgage!

I show her the post and comments, explained to her but she doesnt see it.

I've asked AI to work out everything proportional as well as the cohabiting agreement she said she was happy to last night (was her suggestion originally as didn't know tjat existed until I was sent a tiktok video of someone explaining how her and her partner had taken one out beforehand).

I think the simplest and less complicated/stressful solution is for me to pay contribution of rent/living allowance and bills based on our incomes proportional then just go 50/50 on food (which I'm already doing), fuel etc. I also have my car im paying off, which will be paid off in July. So essentially 60/40 plus 50/50 on food/fuel and other household expenses.

I think that's reasonable.

I would be wary of getting into a long term situation where you end helping her pay off her mortgage and you have nothing to show off for it.

Why not move in as a trial for 3 months?

I already travel over here and stay for her with week or so over last year with maximum one time was two weeks.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable and I should be pay a fair amount for rental allowance for staying here but just do everything proportionally?

I’m very suspicious too regardless of which way round it is that homeowners become obsessed about every penny and people who have no right to any gains on a place paying rent as well as bills and food etc - if you are renting then I can see 50/50 proportionate to income is fair - when someone has an asset they are paying off regardless of if the person is living there or not then to
me it’s getting very transactional and I would feel I was just there to help someone pay their mortgage - it’s all very well someone saying he is getting 2% or whatever on his savings- I doubt he’s going to be having loads of savings if paying £700 on bills plus food etc and she too would now be saving a fair old whack on bills and if she wanted to put more away , these are all things she would have been using and paying for in full herself -I do think OP though you should pay 100% on bills as a trade off - if someone 100% wants rent and bills when someone has very few rights -then get a random lodger instead -

Yes and she would keep her equity in her house and potentially be able to save more herself as she wouldn't need to spend so much on bills. Seems fair to me
I have an ex partner who had no savings, left with around £40k in savings by the time we split up, but he had no claim.on my house. I don't see a problem with this

To be honest you don’t sound compatible long term. You are talking about her in a pretty condescending manner, and seem exasperated that she won’t change things like her grocery shop to suit you, or that she’s investigating steps to protect her investment rather than just accepting what you’ve told her you’ll pay when you move into her house. Did she invite you to move in, or did you decide you’d move in because it suited you?

I agree that you shouldn’t intermingle finances at this point, and you shouldn’t contribute to the mortgage. This would stop you making a claim on her home if you split up. This is also why splitting bills in proportion to income doesn’t make sense yet- this would be something to consider when you buy together/ get married/ have a family. However, you seem to have plucked the 70% of bills out of thin air.

The fairest way forward as I see it is:

You pay 50% of household bills - bear in mind these will increase from £480 when you move in, especially council tax, so realistically you’d be looking at more like £350 for your share.

You research and agree with your girlfriend what the going rate would be for a lodger in a similar household would be in your area, as that’s effectively what you’ll be. A quick google suggests this would be £400-500 for a room in your area, so definitely not cheaper than splitting the mortgage cost. If she’ll take £345 or less in rent you’d be getting a fair deal.

That leaves you paying around £700 ish, which would very reasonable and shouldn’t impact your savings or future saving ability. Your asset is accruing interest, and this asset could very well be growing faster than the equity in your girlfriend’s property.

She should be paying for beauty treatments.
You should pay for your own cars.

If you’re going to insist on her paying for her own sanitary products separately from the food shopping, you’d better be damn sure you don’t sneak any shower gel or deodorant in there.

Reading OPs posts the girlfriend should run a mile. This is not a man I would want to be with!

I'm also really confused as to this concept of "contribute to the mortgage". It really doesn't matter whether it's phrased as he pays 70% of bills and she pays the mortgage - at the end of the day him paying 70% of bills frees up money that she can use to pay the mortgage - so it comes to the same thing.

If I was advising my dd (on either side of this tbh) I would say look at all costs as follows:

Mortgage repayment amount - owner of property only.
Mortgage interest amount - split (in some proportion to be agreed) - in the same way as you would split rent if you were paying a landlord. Yes owner will be gaining equity in the property but there's always the possibility of negative equity.
Major necessary costs for property such as new boiler - owner only.
If there's service charges (leasehold properties) - split in proportion.

Bills (council tax, utilities etc) - split (as above)
Other spending (food) - from joint account with agreed amount to be put in by each. This I'd probably go 50/50. This absolutely would include general household toiletries including sanitary stuff - it would be utterly ridiculous to leave this out otherwise you have to start arguing about who uses more loo roll or handwash.

Then other costs (laser treatment or car payments or savings) come out of personal accounts only.

I'd probably go 50/50 at this point - if one earns 10 times the other it's a different question.

I personally would say that's reasonable. If I were the gf in this situation, I wouldn't put my 100% interest in my property on the line by having you contribute anything to my mortgage, if I were you I wouldn't want to be paying someone else's mortgage off. More towards bills so that it at least seems like you are paying your fair share is better. If you're paying much less overall then I'd be offering to buy more food shops/pay for holidays etc.

She also said last night it costs more to be woman so there's implication there that would need to also goes halves on her personal care and sanitaries.

She's a CF parasite. Find yourself a girlfriend who doesn't see you as a cash cow. She's taking you for a ride.

You no more should be funding her beauty treatments than she should be funding whatever hobby you have. That stuff comes out of each of your personal disposable income discretionary spends, after your share of necessary expenses is paid. The fact she's high maintenance isn't your problem, it's hers.

I find the suggestions to save money into an account to split with her if you break up bizarre. That's divorce stuff, not unmarried stuff. You can bet your life she wouldn't be selling her house and splitting the equity with you if you broke up! All this "but you'd be paying rent otherwise" - yeh, and if you were paying rent you'd have total freedom over your life and your home and none of the compromises that comes with cohabitation.

It's best IMO to build a contented life living alone, then find someone who enhances your life so much to have them around that it's worth giving up some of your freedom to live with them.

If you’re going to insist on her paying for her own sanitary products separately from the food shopping, you’d better be damn sure you don’t sneak any shower gel or deodorant in there.

I'm reading this different to most of you. If she's paying for micro needling treatments and implying it's part of being a woman so OP should part fund it because it's not her fault she's a woman, then I don't think she's talking about period care or soap. She's probably using £50/tiny tub face creams, expensive makeup and hair serums etc that she's wanting OP to pay for. Which would be taking the piss massively.

@DrSpongey Don't pay attention to those posters criticising the way you write or what you say or saying you're mooching off her. It's obvious that once you posted as a man, you'll get prejudiced comments against you. Try to post something like this as a woman and you'll find the opposite comments from most of them.

Anyway, you sound like you're trying to do what is fair for the both of you which is why you're here asking, as well as asking AI. It's a helpful tool and would be more objective/unbiased in response too.

The facts are:
You earn x amount
She earns x amount

Main shared expenses are:
Mortgage/Rent
Utilities (council tax, water, electric)
Food/Groceries
Household stuff (Loo roll, cleaners, etc).

Pay for your own cars, phones, personal hygiene products separately. If you share them, then pay half.

Go half on utilities.

Do 60/40 on the mortgage to reflect income gap (See paying 40% of the mortgage as you paying rent for where you live). Yes she was going to be paying it anyway but part of living together is to share/cut costs. She doesn't owe you the money back or entitlement to her home anymore than your landlord does after you've paid rent. I wouldn't morally expect anything back if you break up, even if legally you may be entitled. I'd suggest a written agreement to reflect this for both your peace of mind. You can still be saving for the future deposit regardless.

To stay away from deciding what she should or shouldn't buy when it comes to food, let her take care of that bit. You buy only the main regular food items (milk, bread, etc) + the all other household stuff.

Either that or you both write down all shared expenses and you pay 40% to reflect income difference. Then pay for your personal items yourselves.

You'd both still be saving money, not spending more than you would have if you lived alone (At least she wouldn't be spending more, for sure. She'd be saving about £400+. You on the other hand will be spending more than you used to but this isn't her fault. It's as a result of moving from your parents'. Whether you live alone or with her, you'd naturally have more bills than when you lived at home).

Don't make it any more complicated than it needs to be by counting every single penny.

It's very wise that you both want to iron this out before moving in together. It's best to come to an agreement (I recommend written down even) that both of you are happy with before you do so. Otherwise, stay where you are.

Work out what proportion of her mortgage is equity payment and what is interest.

Treat the interest part as a rent (consumed each month) and split it together with the other bills and food.

She pays her equity and you visibly save the same amount for the future home.

You'd be spending £400+ and she'd be saving that. If my maths is correct, it would be about £460 - £480. Each contributing about 20% of your income each month.

He won't be paying off her mortgage, he will be paying a portion of the interest part of the mortgage, which is effectively rent to the bank. Currently with interest rates as they are the interest makes up about 2/3rds of the monthly mortgage payment, particularly early on in the mortgage term, as it's the case here.

But OP wants things split proportionally based on their relative incomes at this early stage in their relationship, whose being parasitic there?!

She also said last night it costs more to be woman so there's implication there that would need to also goes halves on her personal care and sanitaries.

If you're quibbling over sanitary towels going in the shared shopping, she needs to split up with you now. This is not a romantic relationship, this is a proposed houseshare between two unrelated adults.