AITA for proposing to pay 70% of the bills instead of contributing to my GF's mortgage to protect my savings for our future home?

[DrSpongey]

TLDR:

I'm (36M, £28k salary) moving into my GF's (37F, £44k salary) flat in new year. I'm have savings for a future house deposit, she has very limited bar equity she doesnt want to release, wants to at least keep her flat for 10 years to build the equity which makes sense, says in principle she used that to then pay off some of the mortgage if we got a house when I'd put the deposit down which is majority of my life savings before we met.

I suggested paying 70% of all bills to protect my savings instead of contributing to her mortgage. I can tell she thinks it's unfair but won't explicity say so. She has hard time not people pleasing or saying how she really feels with anyone.

My girlfriend (GF) bought her two-bed flat in Feb 2023, well before we met. We're getting serious and planning for me to move in permanently in the New Year—it’s just getting tiring packing and unpacking constantly to come to hers. I lived at home with parents. She comes over very rarely which I get. I actually prefer to be at hers due to better lighting and she encourages it especially in the winter where my mood is low. I moved about daily and workout 2-4 times a week consistently. We both shared domestic labour and contribute halves on food, fuel costs whilst I'm here as well as treating her to little surprises and gifts. She's says she loves having me around but feel there's disconnect and dissonance between what she says and how she actually feels.

The ultimate goal is to buy a house together, which is why I’ve saved up £40-50k for a deposit which is my lifetime savings; she, admittedly, has very little.

The Proposal
We initially agreed to split all costs (including the mortgage) based on our income percentage. Since then, I've had a rethink.

My new proposal is to pay 70% of all the bills (Council Tax, utilities, internet, etc.) but £0 towards her £690/month mortgage.

My Thinking (Why I'm Doing This)
Protecting My Investment: If I pay her mortgage, that money is gone forever if we break up. I don't get equity, and it slows down my ability to save for the massive deposit I plan to use on our joint home and sets me back further in my plans to move out.

The Maths Works Out: I genuinely don't think she's losing money. My high contribution to the bills (£28k vs £44k salary split) essentially frees up her money, which she could then put toward the mortgage herself or save (which I encourage). I'm not trying to short-change her; I'm trying to minimise my risk but genuinely don't think she understands how she could use the money cut back in bills to distribute towards whatever she feels to.

It’s About the Long Game: I want us to succeed, and that means protecting the deposit that will get us into a bigger home together eventually.
She's the kind of person who struggles to express feelings and manages money less consistently than me (her sister basically gifted her most of her savings). She just keeps saying "we need to think about sharing costs fairly," but that's precisely what I feel I'm doing by protecting our future large deposit while still shouldering the majority of our living expenses.
I'm thinking long-term here, not just about the next six months. I've heard too many horror stories as old as time where people get fleeced and dont have cohabiting agreement of some sort.

My concern is if the relationship went completely south I wouldn't see or get that money back. I've also paid for nearly 3k holiday for us to enjoy in December of which she is paying me back monthly for next six months. Her mortgage is relatively low for 2 bed flat in middle of Newport.

I think lot of it, is due to upbringing and culture (Afghan British Muslim). I eventually want to get married and have a child so this would be stepping stone to that. I just want to do this fairly now so by living together for extended period of time permanently, we'll know if we're compatible.

She actually sent me a tiktok about cohabiting agreement a little while ago about cohabiting couple who unlike there friends where it just never got discussed or addressed properly decide to draw up this agreement so there would be no stone unturned or potential messy unwavering consequences so alleviated any pressure or confusion in the way of divisions to allow conscious free state by knowing what each would be entitled to.

AITA for wanting to protect my savings for our future house deposit by paying the vast majority of bills instead of contributing to her existing mortgage?

Thanks,

Rob

You say you love to lead and be a protector and a provider (whilst hating the patriarchy) but you’re 36, still live with your parents and are a low earner.

You speak as if you know better than your girlfriend, that she’s been childish at times. Yet she’s left home, bought a property with all the stress and admin that goes with that, successfully lives alone and earns a fair bit more than you.

I do think you need to open your eyes a bit here. Try living in a house share for a while and do some proper adulting before trying to lay down the law to your girlfriend.

I know, I'm astutely aware of that.

Moving into house share doesnt give me any more independece than already have and I work full time remotely. Moving i to house share only makes if I have to move away for work.

It doesn't scream freedom look at HMOs. More like being locked in with strangers.

I think when Landords are charging £800-£1000 for tiny box room in 4-5 man house is not exactly enticing. Living with one other person would be okay but still a risk with a stranger, with potential of having to move constantly around.

It's depressing. At least I can help my girlfriend out as much as possible and before anyone starts I cook, clean, do all domestic responsibilities. She never has to ask me.

Mortgage consists of equity and interest.
Interest is effectively a rent, consumed that month.

That's how you may view it @FourIsNewSix . My view is it's part and parcel of home ownership, which you know when you decide to buy one. I'd never pay towards someone else's mortgage and I never will, it's my line in the sand. I don't advise others to do so either.

If OP wants to combine finances to an extent and pay a mortgage with her they can jointly buy somewhere together, that they've both chosen and are both happy with the mortgage payments for.

His GF decided to buy this house alone, the mortgage (all of it) is her burden to bear IMO. She's benefitting from the situation by being in control of her own home and who lives in it. If the relationship doesn't work out she can get him out without notice or legal proceedings. That's the upside to the fact it's her house, the downside is she has to pay for it.

I think when Landords are charging £800-£1000 for tiny box room in 4-5 man house is not exactly enticing. Living with one other person would be okay but still a risk with a stranger, with potential of having to move constantly around.

It's depressing. At least I can help my girlfriend out as much as possible and before anyone starts I cook, clean, do all domestic responsibilities. She never has to ask me.

You sound like you're only moving in with her because you don't like the alternatives. That's not a good start to a relationship. If you start off on the footing that you're grateful to be allowed to skivvy for her (she should be doing the domestic duties too, not you doing everything), coupled with the fact she sounds like she's using you anyway, you're at risk of falling into a situation where you're treated with disrespect and not as an equal partner. When it comes to equality, who owns what and who earns what doesn't matter, as people you're equals, neither of you is more important than the other. We all are equals on this planet. Just keep an eye out that you don't start to develop low self esteem or depression in this relationship and if you do, accept that it's an unhealthy relationship that isn't good for you and get out of it before it gets worse.

I wonder if you'll both find you're just financially incompatible TBH. She sounds like she wants certain standards of living and to hell with the cost and you sound like you want to do things with one eye on the budget. Neither attitude is intrinsically wrong, she can afford her lifestyle and you're being sensible to not get into debt, but it possibly means you're never going to be in alignment. Time will tell whether you can find a workable compromise. She doesn't seem very willing to compromise though, is my worry.

I’ve read all the thread. I would go for an offer of a flat rate. £500/month. In a shared account where bills and food and paid from. a written agreement that you have no interest in her equity.

You get to move out and be a grown up. She gets to share her space with someone she actively wants to share with. She’s better off and you’re much better off than if you moved into a grotty HMO.

On equity. Most flats in the UK bought in 2023 will have zero or negative equity at this point.

The missing factor is the point at which you will definitely make a choice to properly combine your finances and future (or not). You are both of an age where you need to make a decision quite soon if you both want a family. There are many threads in here from women who spent their last fertile years with someone who wouldn’t commit.

You do sound very cautious and sensible but sometimes you do have to make a bit of a leap of faith. And hopefully you understand that if you start a family that takes ALL the money! (But worth it over and over).

Best of luck.

No, he said it in the context of her talking about him partially funding her beauty treatments and toiletries because "it costs more to be a woman". She feels entitled to his money because she feels (or claims to feel - for all we know she could just enjoy looking a certain way and the treatments) societal pressure to maintain certain beauty standards as a woman. Whether it's true or not, it isn't his problem unless he's putting that pressure on her too. Her feelings of inadequacy in her natural state is her issue to deal with.

.......................

OP, if that's all the bills and all the ground rent (especially if that's the entire year's ground rent) then you already know my opinion - she's taking the piss. I don't consider her mortgage payments or her personal beauty spending to be joint bills, so if that's the majority of what she'd be paying then IMO it's unfair. If those figures are half the bills and half the 3 months of ground rent, plus the rest you mentioned, then fair enough.

Not giving someone time to think things through is applying unnecessary pressure and a favourite tactic of abusive people (not that I'm saying she is one necessarily, but it's potentially a red flag). If you don't have time to think, you can't realise you're being taken for a mug and if you don't realise it, you can't do anything about it.

How far away do you live now? Is moving in with her going to mean removals costs, changing job etc? And how do your parents feel about it, are you going to be welcomed back if it doesn't work out or are they going to be doing a happy dance and measuring up your room for their new study furniture (or whatever else they may do with the room) the second you've closed the front door behind you? Just stuff for you to think about. I knew I'd made a huge mistake trusting my ex after 2 weeks. But I'd given up everything and felt I had to stay and try to make it work. Bad move, that. Ended up losing another 6yrs of my life to that shit show. Have a plan B, is what I'm saying.

It's one thing to move in with her for a trial on a whim if it means packing a suitcase and heading back to your parents after two weeks and the first major row. It's another matter entirely if you're uprooting your entire life for her and will have to do so again if you leave.

You're not wrong to take your time to think about it and want the details hashed out. If the relationship fails, nothing much changes for her, you're the one with all the upheaval. It's not good that she's dismissive of that. She's got her opinion and maybe is frustrated by you still living with parents and not a fully fledged adult at 36 and wanting to see if you'll step up before she commits herself emotionally any further, which is understandable. That's a total guess though. Does she think you're an underachiever because you're a chronic overthinker (not saying you're necessarily either)? Or is she impulsive and you're a planner? Whatever, she sounds impatient or frustrated or something. At the end of the day you both are kind of at different life stages/different lifestyles, as other posters have mentioned. But to be so dismissive of your opinion and your circumstances still isn't good. You're a person you know? You count too. You're not an accessory to her life.

You sound like you want to build a life with her, even if you do partly sound like it's just because that's better than a house share, you sound willing to commit. She honestly sounds like she just wants you moved in and paying up, with a view to paying more in future. Even though you're the lower earner. To me, she sounds like a mercenary shit bag, sorry. I don't think much of people who only value others for what they can get out of them. Maybe money equals commitment, to her? For some people it is basically all they really care about 🤷.

How old is she? Is she getting desperate to have children or has ambitions to own a huge house or something else she can't realistically achieve alone? I'm just wondering why, if she's so focused on money as she seems to be, why she hasn't gone for someone who's actually got some 🤔. So maybe she really loves you and is overlooking the incompatibility elements. Or maybe she's out to take you for everything you've got because where else you going to go, it's not like you can easily afford to move out once you're there, especially if she's got you convinced to pay for almost everything. I don't have a crystal ball any more than you do. We've got a saying on here though - when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I'm seeing pushy, money grabbing, dismissive. Her lovely qualities would have to be something really special for me to consider overlooking that. You're the one who knows her and it's your life. You're the only one who can choose.

Sorry, that was looooooong. Good luck whatever you decide.

Your proposed additional 20% of bills over and above your 50% fair share comes nowhere near a reasonable contribution to your living costs. Your suggestion is that you should live almost rent-free at her expense.

You aren't married, you may eventually get married but maybe not. It is totally inappropriate for you to be freeloading like this at this stage.

What would be fair would be that you should pay 50% of the bills and put 100% of a sensible sum for what you would be paying in rent if you weren't in her flat into a JOINT savings account that you don't spend but which will either be split 50:50 if you do split up, or will be used to pay off the flat or contribute to a shared home if you end up getting married and sharing everything.

I would be valuing what you should pay vs what you do pay and I would adjust them to be fair

What you're getting effectively is half a double room, so if you look at rents in your local area - in similar houses to where you are now - for a double room inclusive of bills. Add at least £100 a month for the couple sharing supplement and then halve it - that's the value of the accommodation you are receiving.

Then I would value what you're actually paying to see if it matches up.

The difference in what you pay for bills is the key amount, which is 40% of the total. (70%-30%)

You should also factor in that utility bills will have increased plus she loses her single person council tax allowance. So calculate say 35% of the total bills to adjust for these things. That's probably generous, if you use a lot of electricity you should calculate a lower percentage.

Compare the two and see if you're paying a fair amount.

By total bills I mean utilities, internet, council tax, house insurance.
Food and entertainment should be separate.

Pay 50% of bills excluding her mortgage - as you’re not getting entitlement to the property or equity in the event of split

So OP has the right to live rent free? Nice.

When my now husband moved in to my flat, I paid all of my mortgage (which, albeit, was tiny), we split the bills 50/50 and he covered the food shop.
I didn't charge him "rent" as I didn't want to make money off of him living with me.
I sold my flat last year and we bought a house together. We put in equal deposit on the house and halved all fees for the purchase. I paid any fees relating to the sale of my flat, and the remaining profit of the flat was mine.
It all ran very smoothly, unlike this, which sounds like a complicated mess! We lived in my flat for 3 years and then we bought the house.

This all sounds a receipe for disaster. It is clear you guys are not on the same page, and disagree over a lot of things. And one of you agreeing to keep the peace is not going to end well (ref your comments about food choices).

You should pay 50 percent of bills for gas, electric, water rates, council tax, internet, Netflix or TV subscription and food. You should also pay a fair 'rent' for living there but not contribute to her mortgage. Look up the cost of a room in a house locally and use this amount. If she chooses to pay your rent contribution towards her mortgage that is up to her.

I don’t get why this has turned into a moral panic about “paying her mortgage.” He’s not investing in her house; he’s paying to live somewhere warm and with running water.

If the place is hers, then the mortgage is hers too — her risk, her asset. His contribution is just the cost of having a roof over his head. What she does with that money (mortgage, prosecco, or cat food) is completely up to her.

Unless he’s on the deeds or there’s an actual agreement to share ownership, there’s zero chance he can claim a bit of her equity. So really, he’s not “protecting his future home” — he’s just misunderstanding how grown-up finances work.

I hope she reads this thread and has a really hard think about whether she wants this man to move in with her!

If my partner moved in with me, I wouldn't charge him rent but I would talk to him and agree how we'd split utilities, food bills, etc - I would think he needs to pay his way, but it wouldn't be by paying my mortgage for me. Hopefully we would both benefit financially and figure out something that felt fair to both of us; I have a friend who does not pay towards her partner's mortgage but pays 50% of all bills and covers food shop and it's still cheaper for each of them than for them to live independently so win/win. In theory it's not fair for one partner to cover mortgage/rent while the other pays nothing but since she's paying into an asset and you have no claim over it, that changes things IMO.

He's not demanding to move in! It's not about it being a "right to live rent free". She's asked him to move in, that's the difference. She wants this. So she should be willing to make sacrifices to achieve it. I'm sure he'd happily pay half the rent on a one bed flat, if she wanted to live that way. She's chosen to live wherever she's living and she's chosen to buy it. She can't force 50% of the costs of her chosen lifestyle onto him, she can ask, she can expect, but he's equally within his rights to say no. She's paying all the mortgage anyway and all the bills. If he moves in and pays half the bills, she's still significantly better off. The trade off is that she has another person living in her space. It's fair because she's the sole owner of the home, she calls the shots and holds all the power. He has no rights to stay there, no rights to decorate however he likes or make alterations to the structure and if she chooses to do those things, he has no rights to stop her. That's the deal when you live in someone else's home, you're only one step up from a houseguest. Even a lodger would get their own room!

If they are goong to have any hope of a long term future together, they should both benefit equaly from the savings of being one household not two. If one of them is benefitting more than the other the relationship is doomed.

Very true! It's part of cognitive dissonance I also feel with this frustration. I'm very aware of this. And tbh it does feel heavy at times but then we have far more good days than bad. What relationship doesnt come without its challenge. Thisbis why i suggested the three months trial and she's in agreement. It's possibly the culture gap being biggest difference. She's generally quite financially responsible but I do feel I compromise a lot more but then she claims she does too. We both do a lot for each other and we take care of each other well. So I'm grateful for that. No one is perfect and she does seem to care about me a lot. I think we're both just committed to having patience and dedicated to make this work rather than just give up when we've created some many amazing wonderful memories and experiences.

She had accident last year at the gym and I managed to support her through that. I also had a spout of Pneumonia and she brought me food and supported me through that.

We'v3 agreed to do this trial and worked out how we're going to manage the finances. I'm going cover 100% of the bills to offset this with fact this is less than market rent of a shared room made up of service charge whilst she pays her mortgage and then split 50/50 on food and household consumables. All in all that's equalivent to £617 per month for me which is more than fair right? Her bills are only £367 and agreed to budget of £250 each into shared joint account for food/household costs. This this means i have no right to equity and she is protected.

Is concensus everyone agree that's fair and equitable given our income differences? Or am I being complete mug?

Very true! It's part of cognitive dissonance I also feel with this frustration. I'm very aware of this. And tbh it does feel heavy at times but then we have far more good days than bad. What relationship doesnt come without its challenge. Thisbis why i suggested the three months trial and she's in agreement. It's possibly the culture gap being biggest difference. She's generally quite financially responsible but I do feel I compromise a lot more but then she claims she does too. We both do a lot for each other and we take care of each other well. So I'm grateful for that. No one is perfect and she does seem to care about me a lot. I think we're both just committed to having patience and dedicated to make this work rather than just give up when we've created some many amazing wonderful memories and experiences.

She had accident last year at the gym and I managed to support her through that. I also had a spout of Pneumonia and she brought me food and supported me through that.

We'v3 agreed to do this trial and worked out how we're going to manage the finances. I'm going cover 100% of the bills to offset this with fact this is less than market rent of a shared room made up of service charge whilst she pays her mortgage and then split 50/50 on food and household consumables. All in all that's equalivent to £617 per month for me which is more than fair right? Her bills are only £367 and agreed to budget of £250 each into shared joint account for food/household costs. This this means i have no right to equity and she is protected.

Is concensus everyone agree that's fair and equitable given our income differences? Or am I being complete mug?

If you're both happy with it that's all that matters. Different people will always have different ideas on things. This forum and others like it literally wouldn't exist if they didn't. You asked for people's opinions and got them, but what matters is how you both feel nobody else. If you're both in agreement, neither is feeling hounded by the other or feeling got at, if there's no resentment on either side, then all is good.

In the future if you buy somewhere together it'll be a lot easier to divide fairly and the situation will feel more equal in general. It's always tricky when one person moves into the other person's home. Obviously you need to see if you get along though before making that kind of joint commitment to purchase somewhere together, so a trial is a good idea. You've considered things, talked about it and come up with a plan you're both happy with. Not much else you can do except see if it works out. 🤞 for you.

We've agreed to pay all the bills and split food costs/groceries 50/50 250 so £617 in total whilst she protects her equity. By effectively offloading to pay all her bills is essentially my rental market contribution for a shared space.

Very true and I do understand all of that. We essentially said that we would then whilst we look at houses if it takes year or more if we can't find something affordable or suitable then we would stay here and make amendments to her flat. We would when moving into own property essentially in her words "her money is my money and my money is hers" so we would just have a combined pool rather than splitting or doing proportional.

Do you think this is fair offer since shes providing a roof over my head or am I bring delusional and she's taking me for a ride by offering the trade off a 100% bills? Since she will be paying 690 mortage and 250 for food/household expenses.

it’s just getting tiring packing and unpacking constantly to come to hers.

and that's why you wish to move in ?

I lived at home with parents. She comes over very rarely which I get.

Why on earth would she want to come to your parent's home/house when she has bought her own home ?

I actually prefer to be at hers due to better lighting and she encourages it especially in the winter where my mood is low.

Lighting - what an original reason to move in with someone...

I hope she finds this thread, if it were my daughter I would have her running in the opposite direction, it's all very transactional.

where is the love...

She's read all the comments and while of course she agrees with some of the biased comments towards her, she feels both are being harsh to both of us. She seems to be committed to giving this go and then reviewing it after trial period. It's not like not been living here ane contributing whilst stayed over anyway for few days, week or few weeks.

We sensibly actually sat down last night and worked through different ways of working out and handling things before we ultimately settled on paying me paying 100% bills as a trade off plus 50/50 shared food and household consumables. Proportionally works out the same. We will the factor in the price hikes. She's already been on phone today to Water Company to see if she can get it reduced after they have effectively increased her water rate bill 35% up from £29 to £51 from next month which is insane for single person. So (Been in credit for 2 two years and it's stayed fixed), so will have to factor in that. I asked if it's because of me but she said she had check when comparing the rates and readings and says it's not because of me. Water seems to be getting ridiculous, companies seeing their infrastructure costs rising this much being completely absorb onto the consumer. How they can justify that when family of 5 pay a cap of no more than £60 is beyond me!!

I've shown her the comments because, you know in the interest of complete transparency and trust. Plus, alwaya good to seek alternative perspectives. I don't believe in not being candid and having open conversations to address any issues before resentful and embitterment starts to rear its ugly head and is allowed to fester. It annoys me she doesnt believe in communication sometimes that we should just know, but have emphasised importance of this rather than continued avoidance especially to nip things in bud before they have a chance to become bigger issue rather than resorting to blame, dismissiveness, deflection and defensiveness which are all catalysts to slow death kneel of any relationship.