Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

[SpoilingTheWedding]

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

Just say you asked him and he said no.

I think the mn favourite’batshit’ describes your family perfectly op! Sorry you’re stuck in the middle x

Yanbu but I would be tempted to ask but frame it as sister wants her at the wedding, you understand it’s his birthday etc

Well your ex is obviously a massive knob, but presumably your family know this already. They should know how difficult the situation is and not expect you to rock the boat. If it was that important to them to have your DD be a bridesmaid they would have checked the date with you first.

Definitely this

Yeah, you asked and the answer was no.

God. What a horrible position they've put you in.

I wouldn’t ask in your situation but you could say you asked and it’s a no

I’m guessing you don’t want to give your sibling or parents your exH’s number and say ‘ Ask him yourself’ ?

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

Just tell them that if they would like to pay the court fees to change the current agreement then to go right ahead.

I’d either lie and say I asked or say they can feel free to ask.

Though it doesn’t sound like you’d be loosing much of a family if this is how they behave.

Your family don't seem to have understood what you have gone through with your abusive ex. I think I agree with others: Just make out you asked him and he said no.

I will add the wedding is this December, as in about 6 weeks away so even if I wanted to change contact because of the notice period in the CAO it's cutting it fine to do so.

Tell them to contact him and ask him then. If he says yes tell him thanks and just so he knows, you would never have asked it of him. If he says no tell him your parents are batshit and you warned them not to bother him.

And I'd be very, very low contact with my parents if they took my violent ex's side over me.

I would be reconsidering whether I wanted contacted with my siblings and parents moving forward they seem pretty horrible people.

In that case they can invite him and tell him your DD is bridesmaid.

Bloody hell, with family like that who needs enemies! What a Groomzilla!

Given what you've said about your parents, I'd save them the bother and go no contact myself. What awful people. Remind them that him having DD for his birthday is COURT ORDERED.

Is the wedding this December coming? Even if you were prepared to ask your ex (I wouldn't in the circumstances) then it's relatively short notice as he may already have something planned.

Why are you still in contact with them? Your family sound awful.

Yes this December, Sibling and SIL kept the date a secret from everyone including all the Guests but have apparently known the date for about a year.

Your family sound awful op. Sorry I’d be passing the buck to them.

They don’t believe you? And you still talk to them ? Save yourself the cost of an outfit and present and dump them

They are idiots for keeping a wedding date in 6 WEEKS TIME a secret. So either no-one could make plans or they would have to rearrange them. I am sorry that your sibling and parents are being so unreasonable to threaten cutting contact over this. They clearly have no idea what you have been through. I have no helpful advice, but YANBU to say she can't come.

Well, 'keeping it a secret' (what the hell FOR? Don't they think anyone else has lives to plan round?) has come back to bite them on the bum, hasn't it? Their control issues mean that they can't have the bridesmaid they want. Serve them bloody well right, if you ask me.

Your family don’t sound like very nice people, nor do they seem to add much to your life. Your dd doesn’t care about the wedding. Why do you even want to maintain contact with them?