Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

[SpoilingTheWedding]

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

Wow. I'm so sorry OP. What a bunch of utter arseholes ❤️

I haven't asked them but very likely I'll be told I've overexaggerated him, I cut him out of DDs life and it's all my fault we're not together anymore.

Bloody hell OP, the behaviour of some families.

I am so sorry.

Leave them to it.

I am so sorry but at least now you have proof, if it were needed, that cutting them off is the only reasonable thing to do.

You dont need this shit in your life and neither do your DD's.

ETA have you told them that you are not going?

Wow - I'm sorry it's a pity you can't go NC but definety do LC - do not get drawn in and try broken record technique when contact is needed to see older relatives they gate keep.

I'd also not faciliate a relationship between them and DD going forward - keep information to min - as I don't think these are great people for her to be around due their reaction to ex extreme behavior.

And who cares about social media?
Take no notice.

I would be going v v low / no contact with your family and not taking your Dd there.

What are your Christmas plans?

Have you declined your invitation to your S's wedding? Decline, say you will no longer be able to attend as her choices have made it impossible but wish her a happy day.

Then don't engage. She has what she wants - your dd as bridesmaid.

Tell your parents calmly that you will no longer be able to attend and that is the end of the conversation.

So get them to contact him and sort it out. Perfect way to solve this problem. Phrase it as, "he's more likely to say yes to you". If he's always played up to them, he'll probably agree to your dd going to the wedding.

Sorry, typed before I read all posts!

I’m so sorry @SpoilingTheWedding for the hurt they’re causing you, that is unforgivable behaviour from all of them.

Your family are awful people.

You said you were making contact for a couple of elderly relatives, but at this point I'd be considering going no contact because these people cannot be good for your mental health or self esteem. They are toxic and if the price for peace is a couple of older relatives then it may be a sacrifice to be done.

That's shocking, I'm so sorry you have such a shit unsupportive family.

Not sure if you've reduced contact with your family, but maybe consider it.

You truly have an awful family. I would definitely be going no contact.
All the best for the future x

Wow. You really were dealt a shit family.

Know it's not you it's them. And be glad you are avoiding the shit show of your sisters wedding.

I suggest planning lovely to do on the wedding day itself - either with friends or by yourself, whatever you feel comfortable with. Go out for a fabulous meal, see a show, go to a spa, go for a long hike. Whatever works for you!

I totally agree. MN is full of stories of cruel families but OP's family have stooped to new lows. My heart goes out to you @SpoilingTheWedding

God help you.
Some posters really get scum for family.
At least you know.
I am so sorry.
I would be very tempted to go on holiday with your daughter.
She doesn't need to be around such people.

How appalling. What a bunch of back stabbing bastards.

That's awful. I would block them all on social media so you don't have to see his posts

They can say what they like i wouldnt ask and with that attitude i wouldnt attend the wedding

Its a wedding not a Coronation

I'm so sorry @SpoilingTheWedding That's shit.

Just a thought, have you only heard that he's attending the wedding from him? Could it be a power play and he's lying?

From what you've posted, I wouldn't put it past him to make this up, as it would be the perfect move on his part to "show" he's still in control.

All o can say is that I hope all these people saying how horrible your family are- I hope it makes you see that you are not the problem. They most definitely are.
Plan something nice to do on the wedding day. Day trip somewhere, get out and about.
Hope telling them doesn't cause too much more stress for you.
Very, very low contact so you can keep in touch with your relatives makes complete sense.
Wishing you well, so sorry your family and ex are such dicks. You deserve better. Keep those boundaries strong.

When people show you who they really are believe it!
I have been following I can’t believe the update I’m shocked that he would go! What a total cunt (narcissist) .
You can’t choose who you are related to but thank fuck you can choose your friends and I firmly believe that friends and friendships can be so much fulfilling, meaningful and just all round better.

im so sorry about your “family”.

I wouldn't tell them you're not going. I'd just not turn up. Telling them in advance will just cause more drama and them giving you so much grief. Just carry on, then don't turn up, then go extremely low contact. Once you're elderly relatives are dead, then I'd cut them off completely. If those relatives will not be at the wedding, that day is perfect for going to see them.

Agreed, it's just another go at exerting his power and control by telling you he is invited. It's possible he invited himself in a roundabout way as DD is invited as a bridesmaid.

Another view is that you could just go to the wedding smile, through gritted teeth and keep your distance from him. Keep it all superficial. At least that way they can't bitch about you not going.

After the wedding then re evaluate your relationship with your family and consider LC.

Oh wow.

What a shit family you have.
That is unbelievable to those of us that have not had to live with it.
I'm so sorry @SpoilingTheWedding - you deserve so much better.
Please cut off your family after your dd has been bridesmaid and surround yourself with your lovely friends only.

Oh for goodness sake. This is really top level dysfunction. I would be strongly tempted to remove my DD from the wedding party, especially if she isn't really that bothered about being a bridesmaid.