Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

[SpoilingTheWedding]

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

She can't, as exH has court mandated contact of DD on the day of the wedding.

I can't, it's ExHs day to have her as it's his birthday and in the court order that she's to spend the day with him

It's very on brand for my family including my sibling to take his side so I strongly suspect her will be there

I can't, it's ExHs day to have her as it's his birthday and court ordered, so it's up to him what happens that day.

Is this the final straw to make you go no contact with your family @SpoilingTheWedding? they are always going to choose the abuser over you. Always walk over your feelings and boundaries.

Thats not healthy for you or your daughter.

I'm so sorry, OP. That's completely shit. I can't think of anything positive to say.

You poor love, I am so sorry to read this...it's exactly the kind of shit my mother tried, in the interests of "being fair to both of you", so I totally get how much it will hurt.

I think...it's your DD's day with her dad, you need to be no more involved than you usually are on his day...and don't go to the wedding, no previous announcement just don't turn up (otherwise as others have already said, you're just providing an opportunity for more drama) and arrange a really lovely day for yourself somewhere far removed from all of it, ideally with good friends, good food and something expensive to drink.

And then minimal contact for as long as you need after that to allow you to still see your much-loved older family members.

Holy fook. That is horrendous. What on earth are they playing at???

walk (run) away from all of them!

Block them all.

Absolutely no reason for you to have to see it.

I'd be booking a spa day for the day of the wedding and ignoring all calls.

They sound absolutely AWFUL but, as an adult, you do have the choice of whether to be around them or not.

I absolutely would not be.

Let exH deal with that little shitshow and move on.

Bloody hell @SpoilingTheWedding this almost sounds like it’s deliberate.

As an aside, can you visit the off-limits relatives while the rest of them are at Wedding Of The Year?

jeez - so sorry they’re like this, you couldn’t make it up.

Based on my experience with my ex and my family, I would guess that they contacted him asking if it would be OK for the DD to attend on his day. Spotting an opportunity to fuck OP over, he said of course it would be fine even though it's his day and then everyone agreed it would be great for him to attend with her and that he's so good for prioritising his DD over himself and not letting the past get in the way of things and that OP isn't mature enough to move on.