Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

[SpoilingTheWedding]

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

You need to go NC with your awful family.

OP you were controlled by your ex and your family are just as bad

I feel like for the sake of you AND DD you need to remove yourselves

This!!

In that case I’d go very low contact and not care if they “deliberately thought I was sabotaging the wedding”. They are not safe to be around you or your child.

Firstly what does your DD really want?
Second if you want to keep the peace, talk to your mum remind her what this man has put you through... and then lie! Just say you've asked, but as it's his birthday he has made plans that includes DD and there is nothing you can do as this is per court order.

Keeping the date a secret? How batshit is that? Surely there will be a load of other people unable to make the wedding too?

And I agree with PP- tell the horrible parents to contact the horrible Ex and ask themselves.

Let them ask him.

Let your parents ask. He'll either say yes to let them keep thinking he's the blameless party or he'll say no and it might change their opinion of him

Everyone (apart from you OP) sounds atrocious. Don’t lie and say you asked, it sounds like they’d be happy to contact him and ask themselves anyway. Just rinse and repeat it’s not possible and keep your head down, esp as your DD isn’t bothered (wonder why?).

They’ll tantrum no doubt, but you know exactly how they will react so make your peace with it, grey rock and detach as they inevitably do. Like who the fuck threatens to not see their only granddaughter because she has COURT ORDERED contact with your abusive ex for the eejits who thought it would be oh so charming incredibly arrogant to spring a wedding on everyone in 6 weeks during the busiest, highly planned, time of year for most people.

Do let us know how that all works out OP 🤣

Please don't lie and say you asked him and he said no, because you're inviting the opening of a can of worms with him, when you should NEVER have any informal contact outside of your arrangements, especially for the sake of people who are selfish as fuck, the arrangements are there to protect yourself and your daughter - don't jeoporise it for these people.

If they go behind your back and ask him themselves, that is a nuclear type move that'll blown up in everyone's faces most likely - but at least they'll nail their horrible colours to the mast and it sounds like you'll be far better off without these people in your lives.

Your DD is too old for you to lie about asking permission as she might mention it to her dad. Could your DD ask him? If he says no then you have your answer. He can also deal with her disappointment.

And if they do ask him, make sure you let him know you had nothing to do with it as you know how important his birthday is to him (the big fucking baby)

Oh heavens, that must be so hurtful. I’m not sure I’d still be speaking to my parents in that situation TBH.

In what way are they gate kept from you?

They sound like dicks and I hope half their wedding guests let them down and say exactly the same thing - Sorry, with it being so close to christmas, we've got a lot on, and as we didn't know when the wedding would be, we booked / commited to this other thing"

Every update you post increases my opinion that you should tell them all to get to fuck.

I’m so sorry you’re stuck with this as your family op.
In fact I think I might have a work event that day too.
Tell them you asked, ex said no, end of.
Then go and spend the money you’ve saved on this nonsense on something for yourself. You deserve nice things too x

Tell your family it would be better coming from them. Let them ask your ex and see what he says. If he’s as reasonable as they think, then he might agree with them.

You really need to go NC with these people. They are horrible.

Don't lie about asking him. Come up with one answer and repeat it verbatim to every nagging, tonedeaf, victim-blaming question. "No, I can't ask him as it's his day with her as written in the court order." Repeat repeat repeat.

I would add to them, that if they contact him themselves, you won't come either. Because who knows what sort of mess that will create.

Agreed. I wouldn't say that you asked and he said no. If he finds out he'll be even more unpleasant.

Tell them to contact him and ask him then. If he says yes tell him thanks and just so he knows, you would never have asked it of him.
This seems ideal.He isn't doing you any favours. He can even transport your DD both ways as you are clear it is not 'your' event.

I wouldn't have a relationship with parents who have taken the side of your abusive ex-husband. I wouldn't bother asking your ex-H as you know he will refuse and will make a big fuss about you asking. Your parents sound toxic so let them go no contact with you.

I'm so sorry that you are surrounded by arseholes.

What a stupid thing for them to do

If he's anything like OP says, he may well say yes to them. They will then refer to her drama, her hysteria, her catastrophising everything and no wonder she couldn't keep her marriage together.

And of he does agree, he'll still get her back. He'll be happy-jolly to them and seek his revenge quietly via dd and op.

Just tell your parents to ask him. They can even say they are asking because they know how difficult you are, and you said no straight away, but they know he is the reasonable one and actually likely to take a mature approach.

Crikey op, that's pretty appalling of your parents. Don't ask him. Don't go to the wedding and tell your crazy family to get lost. I centrally believe you bother having anything to do with your parents in this situation.

Nothing is worth contact with people like that.
I always think when I read about ugly nasty families like yours, it explains somewhat how some women end up with pricks.

Take control and back away.