Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

[SpoilingTheWedding]

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

Yes I think you are being unreasonable to refuse even to ask. I have been in a similar divorce situation and although there were many rows about whether the kids were “allowed” to attend their friends’ birthday parties on “dad’s” time (usually they were not), for a major family event something could usually be accommodated.

If you ask him and he says no, then he’s the dick, not you. If you don’t ask him and either tell your family you didn’t bother, or lie and say you did and he said no and that lie is then exposed, you look like the dick.

I think that this is a really sensible idea. You aren’t going to risk upsetting him so he doesn’t return your DD and you can’t be accused of lying if they bump into him at any point.

There's literally no harm in at least asking. He may no, but at least you can say you asked.

YABU.

You don't have to expose yourself to your exH's terrible behaviour to appease your family, and only an enabler would suggest you do.

OP the shared contact arrangement seems like something they should all be aware of, given the circumstances. Why did they not check with you first to ensure the date was on your contact time ? And why so little notice, given that they want DD as a bridesmaid ? Something about this feels deliberate - and if not, then at the very least unthinking/uncaring. If DD isn’t bothered l would be telling them it’s just not possible because of the court order and you’re not prepared to risk the problems it would cause. If they don’t like it, then tough. They should have been more considerate of your circumstances. Giving people six weeks notice of a wedding is batshit ? Sounds performative and l wouldn’t entertain it.

I think OP has explained that there literally is harm in asking....

YANBU at all. I had a CAO with my ex and we never deviated from the contact times. He was also abusive and to make my life easier and safer (and my kids more importantly) it was best to just stick to the court ordered contact, because the second I asked to change anything the floodgates would have opened and ex would have weaponised the arrangement. It’s what those types do.

Your family all sound like dickheads btw. The soon to be married couple have been a bit shortsighted hiding the date they’re getting married surely? It’s in 6 weeks (December!) and plenty of potential guests have possibly already arranged all their free time that month in the run up to Christmas and new year.

He sounds like the kind of guy who will use this "bending of the rules" against OP in the future though

Try reading the updates. It’s not him saying no OP is worried about, it’s the drama he would cause around it. So yes, there actually is harm in asking.

Why would anyone do this and expect people to be available at such short notice?

OP - you get one life. Don’t live it for everyone else, live it for you and your children.

Id go non-contact, denying your abuse is awful, what shit parents they are.

Not sure why you see your parents then tbh. But say to DP. I would her to attend but its his bday and i cant do anything about it as its on the court documents but if you want to ask that would be great. Id love her to be there too.

Let them hear him say no first hand

Exactly. Unless you’ve been in a relationship with an abuser it’s hard to understand. I never, ever ask my ex for anything. I refuse to discuss child maintenance with him directly because his reaction to things can be terrifying or just just vindictive and the children get stuck in the middle and suffer the most.

I am so sorry that they treat you this way and don’t believe you - I hope you have some really amazing friends that love you, believe you and support you. What a rotten way for your parents to treat you.

No she is being an adult. She has a bullshit family and is doing her best to defuse the agro’ . I totally get it, being in a similar situation myself. Life isn’t always black and white.
OP your sister is in the wrong here. The suggestion to text your ex from pp, is sensible. Essentially none of this has anything to do with you. God I thought I was awful giving people 6 months notice!

There are only 2 people in this entire situation whose opinions of you matter. Those people are you and your DD.

These 2 people are the only ones whose wishes need to be taken into account and whose needs should be prioritised over other people's wants.

Please don't lie, or contact your ex, or tell your family to contact him. I'm sure that would probably work with normal people, but neither your ex nor any member of your family is normal.

I'm so sorry that you're beset by arseholes. It isn't your fault. I can see why you ended up married to an abuser - it's all your parents fitted you for. But the cycle of abuse can end now, with you and your DD.

Let the arseholes fart out their poison and tell each other why you're so awful. Let them stew in their own miasma. It doesn't matter. Their opinions and interpretations don't matter. Please refer back to para 1.

Absolutely this!

Did they not know your arrangements with your childcare and would therefore have known DC would be with ex-h?

Personally I wouldn't lie to your family.

I'd stand your ground and remind them of the court order, particularly if they're likely to contact XH themselves to check if you've asked.

As for keeping your wedding date a secret for a year then telling people 6 weeks before, fuck that. How self indulgent.

I'd let the cards fall on this one and see where they land.

It's very short notice even without the problem of court ordered contact times.

You can't give somebody that little notice for a wedding and then complain that it's been ruined by their non attendance.

Why can’t you simply state to him that your sister is getting married, it’s on his birthday in 6 weeks time and they have asked dd to be a bridesmaid, you are fine with him saying no but your family really want her there. He can then say yes or no, you are in the clear with your family because you asked

I'm so sorry for you OP. I hope you have other people in your life who are supportive to you.

Tell them he said no.

Or drop them all. I saw you wrote about other elderly family, and I do understand that.

Sorry you're being put in this situation. But you know, and I know, that just by asking your ex will do something to try and sabotage that wedding/you having a good time. Like you said, keeping your daughter, putting in another court application, your daughter being put in the middle and told adult issues. But we both know there is no way your daughter will be allowed to go... maybe if he was invited too 😄 🤣 sure that would be delightful for your parents, but definitely not you!

Lie, say it's short notice and he already has plans that include DD.

Yes - presumably if he said yes, there would be a price to pay, and why should the OP put herself through that when the sibling can't even be bothered to give proper notice for the wedding?

My parents eloped and didn’t tell anybody for TWO YEARS.
I don’t remember if they ever explained why, but it didn’t affect anyone else.
I think it had to do with my dad’s staying in school. He did, and he graduated from university with mum by his side.
Maybe the parents were worried they were too young, but this was after my dad had seen combat in France & Germany in WWII.
I imagine WWII aged everybody.
We laugh that my parents had to get married because my brother was born three years after they ran away to get married.

id just tell them he said no