Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

[SpoilingTheWedding]

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

Your family sound as bad as your exH.

Whoa

I was expecting from the title that you might be unreasonable but you are so not!

The only unreasonable thing that you are doing is trying to maintain a relationship with them tbh.

Are they the types of people to ask him themselves? Then gang up on you to act like you should've asked him?

Best of luck, op xx

"Dear Family,

It's very disappointing that you are accusing me of deliberately sabotaging the wedding and threatening to go no contact with me over DD not being able to attend the wedding.

As you well know, contact has been court mandated, with exH having taken me to court three times. You were fully aware that exH gets to spend his birthday with his DD, and I have to say, I'm rather perplexed, that given you wanted DD to be a bridesmaid, that you'd choose exH's birthday to have your wedding on.

Furthermore, you also choose to keep the date a secret until the last minute, leaving it too short notice to get an exception made via the courts.

Now, I have chosen not to ask exH as you are demanding, because I am not prepared to risk breaching a court order, and I am also respecting exH's court granted right to spend his special day with his DD.

Respectfully, please stop demanding that I contact exH over this matter.

Regards

NotSpoilingtheWedding"

I'd email that to them, and then if they wish to contact your exH themselves, leave them to it. Don't get involved in it. If you feel you'd like to contact your exH about it, as in "just to make you aware, sibling wants DD to be her bridesmaid, but they've decided to have their wedding on your birthday, they may ask you if she can attend". But if you'd rather not, then don't! Good luck

ETA: Unless that date is particularly special or meaningful to them, it was a real cunty thing to do to choose it. Bunch of cunts, you'll be well shut of them whenever you do eventually cut them out.

Come on now, you’re an adult. If you want to visit great aunt Maude do you really think you’d have to go through your parents?
From what you’ve said, I’m amazed that YOU want to go to the wedding!!!

^^^This is what I would do @SpoilingTheWedding . Remind your family members that the date is Court Ordered so cannot easily be changed, and just tell them that if they want to ask him themselves, that is absolutely fine by you. I might also say what a pp said about giving him a heads up so that he has no beef with you

“Hi mum, dad, sibling

You seem confused. I don’t control where child is when ex has custody. You’d need to be inviting him. Do let me know how you get on.

best”

Great, every reason to be distanced from them anyway. This way, it’s their choice to distance themselves from you and your daughter, not you being the mean person stealing their grandchild away.

I don't think it sounds worth the damage to stay in touch via them with a handful of elderly relatives. Surely you can just go see the nice relatives another time?

There's no chance I'd be contacting him about this. Even in the best situation it's way too late to be messing around with court ordered custody and this is not anywhere near the best situation.

Then why are you worrying about the threat of them going no contact with you ? They sound toxic.

I would maybe stop having much contact with them in general based on this.

Totally with you on this @SpoilingTheWedding - I don't even have a court order with my abusive XH and I wouldn't do what they're asking you to do, not on an ordinary day and definitely not on his birthday...

As you say it just sets you up for problems later, my XH would think that I owe him something, or he'd f about with my days just to get even or start telling the DC that I arranged for the wedding on that date just to spite him. You just don't need it when you spend all year trying to keep things level/bearable and somehow stay sane.

If DD isn't bothered then it really isn't worth the hassle - part of the problem is that people who haven't been in an abusive relationship have NO IDEA how difficult it makes everything. If you're worried about being "made" to ask him, then maybe ask the court and when they say no, that's not what's been agreed, you have something to tell your family.

Unrealistic as it seems, I think this is probably the case. From what OP has said there seems to be a significant element of control from the parents and it probably extends beyond immediate family.

You’re just following the court order and protecting your child that’s not spoiling anyone. It’s reasonable to put DD’s well-being and routine first, especially given past issues with your ex.

Noooo no no no. OP please don't encourage them to do this. They are jeopordising a court order with a volatile man. They have no right, nor should they in any circumstance other than your ill health maybe, be involved in any of that.

Absolutely this.

Also. No point going into detail about how your ex will behave if you even ask him. They don't give a monkey's, they want what they want and they will dismiss all of that in order to pressurise you to get you to comply (even though you know it will just cause more problems)

I think one of the earliest pps suggestions was to say that you've asked him and he said no. I think that's your best option.
I once had to do this to combat a growing wave of utterly stupid unworkable requests at a funeral I was organising, a friend saw what was happening and told me to tell them, sorry I checked but its just not available by that date.

I generally think honesty is the best policy, but sometimes people just don't want to hear it, as in your case. What they actually need is a firm answer, then they can move on to the next arrangement, one that works, rather than relying on someone very unreliable to deliver your DD in time , when you know he probably won't and that would be worse for everyone.

BTW. Your parents are flying monkeys.. and I think if they want to stop talking to you about it... Let them. Life would be easier without having to listen to all that crap.

Wow, what utter scum bags your parents are to believe your violent ex over their own daughter. I'm so sorry you are having to put up with this shit show.

I think I would go NC with the lot of them. I appreciate you want to see other relatives but is there any way you can have a relationship with other relatives without going through your parents?

I completely understand you not wanting to ask your ex. You'll merely give him the power to say no.

How would your DD feel about missing the wedding? If she really wants to be a bridesmaid then perhaps her Dad might allow her to come.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but you are not in the wrong here.

I think I would inform exH that your sibling has just announced they are getting married on his birthday. You’ve explained this means dd will be with him and not able to attend the wedding. You just want him to know in case any of them contact him about it, but you spoke to dd and she’d rather be with you than at the wedding so you’ve said she’s not going.

that way if your sibling contacts your ex they can’t say “well you lied that you asked him, he knows nothing about it.”

Let them cut you off.

Wow. I think I would be telling your parents that neither of you will go and let them go NC. They sound horrible.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be bothering with your family if I was you.

Don't DO NOT speak to him about it.
Don't lie and say you asked him.
Don't encourage them to ask him themselves.
Just say you're bound by a court order and it's too little time to take an amendment request to court. "that is my position, I'm sorry you feel that way". End of conversation. No lies. No blame with you.

Ps from what you've said I'd hazard a guess they only want a bridesmaid for aesthetics, hence the supremely overly dramatic and very fucking selfish response. Fuck em.

They have done the opposite of protocol, which is to ask people to save the date.

My guess would be that they’re realising quite a few people can’t make it at this short notice, and they’re taking it out on you since you’re apparently the family kicking post.

This

I’m so sorry your parents are so rotten OP! Do they not realise their ultimatum is another form of abuse? Are they happy for your ex to continue being abusive to you over this situation? Maybe you should be the one considering contact with them.

You need to tackle how they “gatekeeper” you seeing the family who you do love and get rid of those who don’t love you