Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

[SpoilingTheWedding]

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

Because I have elderly relatives that I actually like and want to keep contact with who are gatekept by my parents and siblings, once they're no longer around I'll be NC with the lot of them

I totally guessed this from your first post. It's mainly true we marry our parents until we learn better. Sorry, OP

Yeah, as others have said, you could either lie to your parents or let them suck up to XH. They can have a long chat about how awful you are ... and invite him to the wedding. So don't do that!

Just tell deranged sibling that you asked and XH didn’t even reply.

I'd just say I'd asked and he said no, like you'd told them he would. I'd also say I wasn't going either to avoid "ruining" the wedding. Fuck hanging around with people like that.

Your family sound awful OP. Can’t understand why they think your Ex is a great guy. I think the wedding is the least of your worries

They can’t clear the date with every guest, but not checking with the core, critical guests is at best bad planning. Really, it just signals that they don’t consider those people’s attendance to be that important.

I think they self-sabotaged their own wedding by keeping the date a secret! In December?!?! How presumptuous to think that other people don’t have end of year Christmas parties family gatherings going on. I’m assuming they expect everyone to just cancel their plans for the wedding of the decade…… Happily skip away from their wedding if they don’t understand your DD can’t be there as it’s COURT ORDERED.

Your family are dicks

Were they hoping no one will turn up? Because there’s a good chance that will happen, who the heck can commit to a wedding in 6 weeks time, in December which is usually a crazy month anyway! Definitely batshit!

I would take them up on their offer to cut contact with you, you don't need this kind of shit.

Yanbu - why didnt they check the date first like ANY NORMAL COUPLE.

Give your sibling his number and tell them to ask if they are so desperate.
Let them deal with all this nonsense not you.

Edit:
Saw this update.

My parents would happily contact ExH, they think he's amazing and it was me who messed up the marriage, they don't believe he was violent towards me.

I would very seriously consider going NC. Your family sound awful.

They should be thankful you will even be in the same room as them. That’s disgusting.

I’m sorry your family have put you in this situation. Presumably they know what your ex is like. If I were you I’d put maintaining a civil relationship with the ex over the wedding. If your DD was desperate to attend then I’d ask for her sake but if she’s not fussed then why make life harder. It’s sad that your parents have suggested cutting ties with you over this but if they do it’s their loss. Do you really want two people in your life that are prepared to use emotional blackmail to get their own way?

Nope. What a crazy and horrible way to cut relations with your daughter/sister/niece.

Sorry OP, your family are very selfish, short sighted and are massively lacking in empathy. If that was me, I'd let them cut me off then.

Your 'family' are expecting you to ask favours from a violent ex??..this is appalling ...they are disgusting. So so sorry you have this complete lack of support. They REALLY don't get the harm do they? Grim.

Your family sound very hostile to you already OP. To leap to the idea that you would be deliberately sabotaging the wedding is bizarre unless there is some huge realistic reason for them thinking like that about you.
Your family should be "on your side". Its painful when they are not, but worth considering what relationship you want with them.💐

Unsurprising that you were susceptible to a controlling/violent relationship with your ex-husband if this is how your family taught you what you were worth. Good for you breaking the cycle with your DD.

I'd just say if they think he's so wonderful they are welcome to contact him and ask him directly.

Maybe send him a message 'Just to let you know, my sister wants DD to be a bridesmaid at her wedding on xxx. She only told me the date this week. I have told her that's your contact day and your birthday, and that birthdays are important to your family, so you won't want to change your visitation date, however they might ring you to nag you so just giving you a heads-up.'

Then he can't complain you've asked him to change his date because you haven't, but you can honestly tell them he hasn't replied/has refused.

How bizarre. I imagine with such short notice there will be other guests who cannot attend. Why did they keep the date a secret. Have people keeping months and months entirely free of commitments?

Since your DD is not bothered I would go with the "I asked him, he said no" response.

I don’t think I’d even want to go to this wedding. Your family sound horrible op.

I'm not suggesting this is the right thing to do - but for your consideration only: would your parents contact him and ask? This saves you trying to do the negotiation and they get the answer. I get the situation is complex though and you may not want this, but perhaps worth considering?

Yeah, I would just do this.

Well it sounds like you are allowing everyone around you to manipulate and control you. No wonder you didn’t see the red flags of your ex when your family also sound abusive and coercive.

You’ve ruled out every possible alternative anyone has suggested so I’m going to go with leaving the country and changing your name as a solution.

Why did your sibling keep the date secret?!
I can't think of a single decent reason.
Tell them it's too late to change the court ordered arrangements, that it's not about having her as bridesmaid or not.

Because they think the whole world revolves around them and everyone would find it endearing?

I have no idea why. For my wedding they had over a years notice of it and still we had people unable to turn up (and thats fine, thats weddings for you!)

Are your family aware that this was a court arrangement?

TBF, while I know it's their day had they of really wanted your DD as a bridesmaid they had 364 other dates to choose from yet chose the one day that would cause you the most grief.

Yes ExH took me to court 3 times, and every time my family was aware and even attended the court with me some times