Apparently I’m spoiling my siblings wedding

[SpoilingTheWedding]

I have DD aged 11 with ExH who is supposed to be a bridesmaid for my sibling and their soon to be spouse, DD is the only child in mine and my siblings family but sibling in law to be (SIL) has a niece who is a bit younger than DD who will also be a bridesmaid.

We have a Child Arrangements Order for contact, and we do not deviate from this due to issues of control and violence from ExH (He took me to court, 3 times).

The CAO gives each of us our birthdays and parent days with DD (so ExH has her Fathers Day I have her Mothers Day etc).

Sibling has just announced they’ll be getting married on ExHs birthday in December (they were keeping the date a secret from everyone). I apologised and said DD won’t be there because of it being her dads birthday and apparently I can ask him to compromise “this once” and if I don’t I am spoiling the wedding deliberately.

My parents agree with my sibling and are saying that I have to ask ExH to let DD come to the wedding. They've told me if I don't ask ExH they will consider me trying to delibrately sabotage the wedding and reconsider whether they want contact with me - can you tell my sibling is the golden child?

DD is not bothered about being a bridesmaid, and personally I’d rather not risk upsetting ExH as he’s been known to refuse to return DD when I’ve upset him and has done (it’s his weekend that the birthday/wedding falls on, if it’d been his normal weekend I’d have swapped with him but as it’s his birthday I know full well he’ll refuse to return her to me in time for the wedding, which is fair enough because birthdays are a big thing in his family)

AIBU to not even ask ExH?

Even if he wasn’t abusive, it’s not unreasonable for him to want to spend his birthday with his child. If it’s that important there are 355 other days in the year they could have picked from.

If anyone's sabotaging the wedding it's them with this bonkers approach. Now a number of guests will find it difficult if not impossible to book leave to come.

Agree with just telling them that you asked and he said no.

Also agree with your plan to go no contact once your older relatives are no longer in the picture. Though I bet they come back to you when your parents need care, rather than asking golden sibling!

Ffs, why do you even want contact with these people? No wonder you married an abusive cunt, he’s just like your family.

either tell them you asked him and he said no or get them to ask him. Families are such wankers.

They sound horrible.
You dont need that. Your life is hard enough and they want to make it harder why?
Your daughter isn't even bothered.

I don't think there is any need to lie, particularly as that could cause problems down the line if they contact him.

It's short notice. The OP has completely understandable reasons to stick strictly to the terms of the contact agreement.

If they can't understand that it is their problem, not the OP's.

Oh no. Really sorry this. How horrible for you.

Your sibling and parents are behaving abominably in this.

They've put you in a position whereby you're likely to get grief no matter what you do. If you ask ex then you're in the firing line, but if you don't and they do they're giving him the ammunition to say "how dare you suggest I'd deprive dd the chance of being a bridesmaid"

I know they gatekeep other relatives, but these people have no regard for your safety, or the well being of your DD (they wouldn't risk putting her in the middle if they did) and you really need to question if having her around them, and normalising a relationship with them to her, is wise.

So not the most supportive family then? I am appalled for you. My family were great when I told them about my ex-H. I would suggest you get them to ask him and if he says yes, they can deal with pick up and drop off too.

Have you had support from anyone else? Women's Aid or similar? This must be so difficult for you. I would be re-thinking about keeping contact with them if you feel strong enough.

I'm inclined to not ask ExH, not go to the wedding either and risk them not speaking to you again. I'm not sure you'd be worse off!

How can they gatekeep people?

Your family are rubbish! Sorry

My only opinion here is that your ex is a dick, your family are dicks and you are better off without the lot of them. I wouldn’t ask him because he'll just cause problems and your poor DD will be stuck in the middle. Who the hell doesn’t tell people the wedding day till 6 weeks before then expects everyone to be able to turn up?

I'd be wary of doing this in case they found out further down the line.

Perhaps just email him, "my sister would like to know if you'd consider changing dates so DD can be a bridesmaid at her wedding", get the no from him or no reply, and pass that back to her.

Also, I wonder if the short notice and time of year is causing them issues and this is why they're being extra cunty? No justification for it of course, they've been stupid keeping it secret, but maybe they're in danger of having very few or eeven no people there!

Both sides are being so unfair. I really feel for you, OP.

If it's safe to contact the ex - I'd do this.

if not - I do a ambiguous - I've done all I can text and remind them it's all court ordered contact times.

Are you the only ones who had the date withheld till now? As 6 weeks in Decemeber there may be more than a few who have other commitments or can't get time off work.

Please don't encourage OP to lie. When you're dealing with an abuser, this is the last thing you should do.

Your family sound as coercive and controlling as your Ex.

Let them ask him then.

Based on this I think you should just ditch the lot of them, but I see you’ve got other relatives you want to keep in touch with through them. Could you ask your ex by email or text so that you’ve got a record of his response. Then show it to them and let them contact him and sort it out directly if they want to. Just make sure they can’t blame you for it. If he then dicks around on the day and doesn’t let your daughter go you’ve not actually lost anything. Just let them deal with it themselves and keep out of it.

Would asking your ex but framing it as 'I totally understand if you don't want to, and no hard feelings if it's not convenient as I understand you likely want to spend your birthday with daughter'? Or will that still antagonise him?

@SpoilingTheWedding why are you ignoring the first post which has the best solution?

@SpoilingTheWedding so just ask your ex. If he says no then the answer is no. Put it in writing:

"Dear eX. On <date> my sister is getting married, and she would like DD to be a a bridesmaid. I have already told my sister that DD will be unable to attend as this is your birthday and she will be with you on that day, but my sister is insisting that I still ask you. So is it possible that DD attends the wedding that day? Do not feel under any obligation to say yes. The decision is entirely yours and I will respect your decision. Thanks"

Because it is a terrible idea to lie about an abusive ex's response to parents that are likely to contact him themselves.

If they were minded to contact him directly, they would have done so already.

I’d keep it short, factual and neutral: which is the best way to deal with abusive people.

Under the terms of the Child Arrangements Order DD will be in the care of her Dad on that date to celebrate his birthday. She will not be able to join you for the wedding.

There's never any point in asking an abuser to deviate from the court order, they either refuse or you will ‘owe them one’. The CAO is in place to prevent this happening!!