To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

Who does the work? Shopping? Cleaning? Cooking? Present buying? Tidying up after guests? If it's not DH then it should be this year.....

Just tell him he will be doing all the work. All the planning/shopping/cooling/hosting.

Then get strategic flu and spend the day having a lovely time in your bed.

Tell DH is he wants them there he hosts (ie does all the work), and then see how he feels about it.
I imagine he will be too chickeen to tell his Mum they aren't invited though so you will have to hold VERY firm
DH struggles with the idea that we didn't go to his Mums xmas Day but after me absolutely refusing one year he agreed how great it was and we have never been since

So you say to your dh that you want Christmas just you as a family, and not his parents and the rest, and that perhaps sil could host them

if he insists you just say that’s not the Christmas you want so you won’t be doing anything, all presents, wrapping purchase and prep of food and hosting will be on him, you are taking the day off

I maybe should have said that dh does the majority of the cooking - the full lunch itself- though I do the pudding. He does most of the cooking in the relationship as he is a sahd (with some paid wfh on the side). However, it is me who does the gift-buying and decorations etc as he doesn't see that as important, which is fine. I just don't want the day centred on them for once!

ETA: He loves cooking and wouldn't mind if I didn't make a pudding. He wouldn't mind if I chose not to do the things I normally do - I do them for my own benefit, not for his. It's just his family being there spoils it as they don't appreciate or value the things I do.

It's only one day and your ils are your husband's family

Try again. Point out that you never get the Christmas you want, and it’s him who claims Christmas isn’t that important anyway so surely he won’t mind if you alternate between just you and hosting his family. If he won’t even consider it, I’d be asking if there’s anywhere else in your lives where it’s his way or no way?

Have you suggested alternating years so one year his family come for Christmas this next year you get to decide? If you weren’t LC with your family it’s unlikely you’d spend every year with his family and alternating is a standard set up. And because his family were there last year, it’s your year this year.

Crazy, difficult.

I'm sorry, OP. ❤️
I can see already the "tentative suggesting" is not good. In my view, your husband would be expected to take your side.
I said this here many times also, I never hosted anyone in my home (I'm 46, no kids), Christmas will be just my husband and myself and I never missed out on anything!
Husband is also very happy about the setup.

What PPs said, your H ought to do most of the jobs involved.

It doesn’t matter who does the work, you also have a say in how you spend Christmas (DH cooks Christmas dinner 90% of the time here but it doesn’t mean he would try to dictate our plans for the day).

I would tell him now that you don’t want to host this year - surely you are allowed a say?

We have always taken care never to get into any set patterns of hosting or being hosted, none of this alternating Christmas rota nonsense. Also no mixing of both sets of in-laws.

I personally like a Christmas just DH and DC but we have also had some with family or friends, or a sunshine holiday Christmas.

I can't get past the carriers on the lovely set Christmas table OP 😳, who does that!! I'd be raging. I can't bear it if everyone trundles in and leaves coats on sofas and bags at the side, let alone ON THE TABLE! 😡

You have a DP problem OP and not an inlaw problem so much.

I think that you are just going to have to put your foot down very firmly with this as we had to. We had this going on every year until we had enough and said that we wouldn't be hosting Christmas Day one year and just wanted the day to be us and the DC but that we were happy to do a lunch on Boxing Day with an open house invite for anyone who wanted to come. OMG - the complaining and the guilt tripping went on for weeks! In the end we booked and paid for them to have a Christmas dinner at a restaurant near them and to provide a taxi service for Boxing Day - cost a bloody fortune but we got our 'family' veg out Christmas and it was bliss. As the kids got older they understood that one day had to be duty day and the other day was fun day.
Your DH is another problem. He claims not to care but isn't listening to you and what you would like. The outcome depends on how brave you feel in being firm with him. If he doesn't like it then perhaps he should go to his parents and have the day with them? I would bet good money on him not actually helping you anyway?
Or you tell the DC that they have a duty day with relatives and the next day is your proper family Christmas day. On the duty day provide a good meal with cheap crackers etc and do a small number of gifts and then put the TV on - that's it. Make drinks occasionally and offer cake in the afternoon and do nothing else - after all they don't see the fuss about Christmas do they????

I’d try and have a proper chat about it OP, if they truly aren’t bothered about Christmas anyway then I don’t see what difference it makes whether they come spend the day with you on the 25th or the 26th, and it is absolutely fair to suggest alternating so that you both get a say in what Christmas day looks like.

Are you sure a Christmas without them would be the Christmas you have pictured in your head...? And would it end up with you being the only 'christmassy one'.

I quite like a Christmas with all my Dh's family round (mine live very far away) and do wonder a bit what we'd do if they weren't there....

Enjoy the lead up to the day with your decorations , etc. They will still be there Boxing Day too . I do understand how you feel though . I liked to dress the table but then my BIL and my own brother would come along with cans of beer and kids would need plastic bowls etc . It's the joy of Xmas though 😃 It's not ideal from your point of view but it's rather nice to celebrate and your kids probably like it too. Ignore the comments about toys etc , it's a generational thing. Tell your DH to speak to them especially negative things about eating and weight in front of kids .

Compromise on Xmas night instead for sandwiches.

You say you are low contact with your own family, but that they buy your children Christmas presents ...are you sure you wouldn't like to see them at Christmas sometimes? Of course I don't know the back ground but they are thinking of your children at Christmas

Tell dh if he prefers a Christmas with his dps in it he can go to them. You stay home with the dc and have your Christmas... Anyone dumping bags on my festive table would be in A&E having a candle surgically removed....

yanbu at all

your in laws sound like mine

my dh knows better than to expect me to put up with them every year.

I’d just say I want a break from hosting this year and, after x times hosting, it’s time for someone else to offer. I don’t think anyone should be routinely expected to host - it’s presumptuous. They sound like a pain in the arse anyway so maybe they should’ve been more grateful while they had it good!

Just seen your update @Nant90
If DH likes cooking then get him to do it. Not to mention I suspect that he likes Christmas more than he lets on 🤔
As I suggested just do the bare minimum with food and decorations - the inlaws will probably notice and if they do, just say that they seem to prefer a simpler arrangement so that's what you've gone with.
I always put a lot of effort into Christmas to make lovely memories and I was also criticised by the inlaws about how everything looked/it's too much/ooo...this looks posh etc with dirty looks to go with it and to be honest I think it just came down to jealousy because when they hosted in previous years it was exactly the same basic (money defo not an issue) food, crackers, decorations, games.....every bloody year!

I know you say it’s only October but I actually think that’s too late to change something that you’ve always done. I think you have to suck it up this year but tell everyone that you are going to do something different next year and repeat it regularly throughout the year so that no one is in any doubt and can plan accordingly.

if they don't care about Christmas, then it doesn't matter what day they come, so you invite them for 26th or 27th and you have 24th/25th as your family together doing what you and the DC want?

With an aunt and sil certainly sounds like noone will be left alone on Christmas day. A fabulous boxing day buffet sounds like a perfectly reasonable decision.

How old are the children? Definitely time to focus on them.

I'd dial the effort right back for Christmas Day and have your own big/special dinner on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day where you lay the table nicely. Maybe open presents before they arrive or at least do half and then a few when they are there. Do a nice buffet instead.
The fat comments would really piss me off and I'd struggle to hold my tongue over that.