To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

It sounds like you've a long established tradition of doing Christmas this way. If you cancel it or change it they are going to be deeply offended.

Could you afford to go away for a few days lots of lodge type places in the woods would be great for the children they have Christmas trees and lights choose a place you have never been to and explore.Solves all the Il problems.

Then get strategic flu and spend the day having a lovely time in your bed.

she sounds a lovely mum and I can imagine spoiling the Christmas for her little ones just to score points will be the last thing on her mind.

Can you do a tactical gradual withdrawal? The same expectations every year is too rigid. You could start by suggesting alternate years - say Sil this year, then each year you could have something a bit different going on, eg. you could be away one year. Or tell them you want a simple Christmas Day this year - just you two and DC but can come over to theirs (!) on Boxing Day. You need your DH's support ideally, but even without it there is no harm in saying the above to your in-laws.

Stand firm, and say no. He is obviously used to you backing down on this. Just keep saying it is not happening, and for him to not assume you will change your mind because you won't. Nothing will change unless you do.

Tbh if he does all the cooking I can't see what the problem is, they're his family it is normal to have people over for Christmas lunch.

Just be assertive regarding arrival times,10am is stupid. So tell them arrive 1pm for lunch at 2 then say you're seeing other family later so they'll need to leave by 5pm.

same - I’m furious just reading this! So disrespectful. I bet the in laws are quite boring and don’t appreciate creativity.

Yep, move it to Boxing Day.

You can then have a lovely table, kids can have presents in peace and a day as you want it.

Boxing Day can be pared back. Little effort with the table and buffet lunch with shop bought dessert.

I would recommend any woman not to do the same thing for Christmas year after year. It just seems to create a rod for your own back.

I’m not really understanding why your DH has veto power on this (or any decision). What do you mean be ‘shut it down’? What gives him the right to do that?

Nailed it. OP, respectfully, this isn’t truly about Christmas, this is just what is forcing the issue and clarifying to you how you’re not a priority.

My DH occasionally will do a high-handed shut things down of things I’ve suggested if he doesn’t immediately like the sound of it for whatever reason. Now, I’m well able to stand up for myself, but when that happens, I know the best way to reframe is to drop it and find a quiet, calm time to talk later and lay out my reasonings, why it’s important to me, and therefore should be to him. If it’s reasonably un-harebrained, he will always come around.

(As an aside, if I couldn’t hide from everyone in the kitchen for at least an hour or two on Christmas Day knocking back champagne I’d go doolally)

WTF?! I’m annoyed for you @Nant90

Tell your husband you want a Christmas just for you, him and the DC this year. It sounds like you make a lovely effort for a special day, do all the hard work, which isn’t noticed or appreciated, so it’s your decision to make.

Then ring the in-laws yourself and say you’re having a change this year and aren’t hosting.

If they’re people that aren’t bothered, then they won’t be bothered about not being invited, surely. Please make a stand this year or you’ll have to spend every Christmas hosting them, and will never enjoy it just as a family.

Don't spend another one listening to the veiled criticisms - more people are like you and make an effort for a wonderful, special day. A lot less people are like them and ‘not bothered’. They can be ‘not bothered’ somewhere else!!

Either put your foot down and say not this year. And stick to it. Boxing Day is open house.

or make sure DH severely restricts the hours they come. 1-5 is plenty of time for them to call your kids fat and spoiled (!).

Good luck!

If you moved far away to another country you'd never have to see any member of either family at all, and your DH and DCs would soon forget about them.

Me too? Why's he the boss?

I used to be a sahp but I still listened to dh.

If you can afford it I would be going away for Christmas.

Your in-laws don't sound great, OP. I wonder how much is being done on purpose to try to exclude/play down your presence? That sweeping things out of the way on your carefully decorated table is soo rude, and the giving of gifts the minute your back is turned is awful too, let alone all the barbed comments.

I would speak to your DH about all of these things again in no uncertain terms. They ruin things for you, probably deliberately and you'd like one Christmas where you and the children are not insulted all the day long.

I have read all OP posts but not all the other posts, so no doubt someone has already said it, but in those MN words you have a DH problem, OP. Assert yourself, it's your house too.

So true! And if wishes were horses, poor men wouldn’t walk

So why do t the ILs have everyone over to their house?
OP, you’re entitled to say ‘no, DH this year we are not hosting. From now on it’s going to be every other year”. Why should he be the one to get to make the decision?

Do you do Boxing Day without them? You can mentally make that your real Christmas Day in your mind. That’s what I’ve done when I’ve had to endure certain guests.

I truly do not understand this idea of christmas with just your immediate nuclear family. HOwever, I am deeply sympathetic to your challenge here because I have a similar issue with my in laws. Just lots of little tings they do at Christmas that annoy me and, like you, it's the changing goalposts - DH's family aren't english so when we got together he gave me this whole thing about how Christmas eve is their big thing. It's a complete lie. If we do Christmas eve with them... somehow they still landed up at my family's christmas day.

Anyway, a few things I have done to save my sanity:

1 If we are doing christmas with them and at my house, I make a point of tring to figure out who ELSE I can invite so that I know I'll have a good time with a few people. Sometimes that might be other familiy visiting from overseas, sometimes a friend or whatever. This has got harder, admittedly, as family has got bigger with kids etc due to limited space.

2 I am polite but firm about shitty behaviour. "Why did you open the presents without me? I was just turning the potatoes" or "I'm going to go and turn the potatoes and when I'm back, THEN we can open presents."

3 I plan meals that will not be destroyed by their habit of turning up late etc. This doesn't sound like an issue for you, but I mention it so that you can see the sorts of things I do. I used to get so stressed abotu food being ruined. I don't any more.

4 I am clear in advance about what special things I'm doing. That could be from decor to gits for the DC to whatever. That way I'm priming them to understand that this is important to me and I expect it to be respected. To be fair, I do try to recipricate. eg MIL always has some random thing she wants to bring and I accept enthusiastically and gratefully on the basis it's important to her even though it makes no sense (endless panettone, for example, that no one eats!)

Oh, and I haven't done this in a few years, but I have previously made a point of having some kind of christmas celebration with just our immediate family, or my family, or friends on a different day so I have that to look forward to!!

This is good advice. Please do this.

I agree.
from experience, any "changes" to the way you do Christmas Day won't really work because the people involved find it suits them very well to do exactly as they please whether it suits you or not. Giving other people jobs that they don't want to do can backfire as they don't do it but only tell you at the last minute so its even more stress

I only won Christmas Day back (as the person who did ALL the work and got none of the credit) when I really really meant it. And point blank refused.

My parents didn't do Christmas - no tree, no decs nothing so it was really hard for me to get Christmas organised for massive family of food critics and me critics. And I felt it was like running the gauntlet every year.

You only have a limited number of Christmases with your DC when they are young. This is YOUR time.. so make the most of it. Don't look back on Xmas as times when you were tired, put upon, and really dreading it and didn't get to spend enough time relaxing with your DC. It really shouldn't be something you dread.
If you are doing the majority of the work by which I mean the planning, the organising, the purchasing, the cards, the presents, the wrapping , the decorating, the cleaning, the getting the house in order etc the entertaining whilst DH "Slaves" in the kitchen... then you have the moral right to actually take charge in reality and say what your terms are and when it will take place. Cooking.. once everything else has been done for you, and all the relatives are admiring your hard work is only the tip of the iceberg.

Suggestions

1. This year have a day in between Christmas and NY which will be "their" Christmas Day with you. Don't take No for an answer from anyone. Ring them up yourself if you have to and (this is really important) shrug your shoulders when they make you the bad guy. You are the bad guy anyway aren't you? So embrace it. Once they've got used to it, it will be so much easier next year. You don't have to go so mad with the arrangements. The pressure is off.
2. give the DC presents out when its just you and DH either before or after - no more comments. Funnily enough the invitees never noticed.
3. once food is eaten. DH is Front of House - for everything.
4. Get them out in the Fresh Air for at least an hour. Everything is better in the fresh air.
5. suggest presents just for any Children... will take the pain out of rushing around trying to find presents for everyone. DC can give grandparents some token presents. (this worked really well actually, everyone agreed)

Why not book a restaurant for lunch meet them there, you can all eat and pay for yourselves then go home to your own houses?

I would suggest leaving the arrangements as normal this year but every time they do something ridiculous, call them out - as in properly call them out. The examples you cite aren’t that minor, I would go mental if someone started commenting on my children’s presents or their weight and as for the carrier bag thing 😡
So instead of doing what I strongly suspect you always do and keep quiet like the polite host, fuck that. Go catatonic at them. You will feel better, they won’t overstay their welcome and are far less likely to turn up next year. Win!