To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

Say you really want to try something different so the DC get the experience other DC get, of visiting people and of hosting.
Tell DH to move them coming to you to Boxing Day, and that you’ll visit them to do presents on Christmas Day.
And do some Christmas on Christmas Eve. Do the boxes, the food, the beautiful table then as well. We have a lovely CE, with its own traditions. The food is lighter- really good soup and bread- but the fun definitely starts the day before.

I’d be fuming over the table dumping!

And the constant comments from them would be very irritating.

I’d say to DH it’s our house, my Christmas (as apparently you don’t care about it) so it’s just us for Christmas and you’ll go and see his family between Christmas snd New Year.

Set out what you want for your children now and they can go swing.

They sound a miserable lot.

Yes this too.

Err do you mind! I’ve just spent the past 2 hours dressing the table so it’s nice for me and the children (as you lot don’t seem to care about Christmas). Shift your bloody bag! As you thrust it back into their arms.

Yes, 100% this. Your DH is the problem here. Tell him to go to his parents for the day is he’s so bothered and you enjoy a relaxed day with your DC at home.

ETA… how old are DC? Would it be possible to do BD as your CD? I would host them on Christmas Day, let them do their gifts, dinner their way, no our for portions of the day to the park with the kids. Let DH do everything, including decorating, hosting, drinks fetching, cleaning etc… then decorate, gift giving and make BD your designated Christmas Day with the kids. That way they can’t comment on their presents, they can’t ruin your decs and DH might be more willing to flex next year.

Obvs this would only work if the DC weren’t too old, but it would give you a day to really look forward too even if DH is being stubborn on the actual day.

I would either just tell him that you are not having a good time which isn't fair in your own home & for once you would like to have the relaxed day you do want with your children,
OR bear it again one more time and tell them all it's not happening next year so they've got a whole year to make other plans.

I hate to be a doom merchant but this problem is way bigger than ILs on 25 Dec

Your DH is very selfish and so are his family

I expect on a day to day basis you give in to him (generally) and he gets his own way about most things

That's how he likes it and how he expects it and you've made sure he gets what he wants

You don't stand a cat in hells chance of getting the 25 Dec that you want, and if by some miracle you DO get it, DH and probably ILs too, would scupper it

I think you should be firmer with DH than ‘tentatively suggesting’. They don’t think Christmas is important, as you say, so shouldn’t be offended. Boxing Day is a happy medium for all.

How about having a Christmas eve lunch and get together. Then have Christmas day just husband and kids. We host PILs most years. But a couple of times i have requested just us. It's a different dynamic.

I have sympathy for you @Nant90 and there doesn’t appear to be an easy fix for this situation. I hate to be one of those ‘ it’s only one day’ type of people. It really is though. Maybe your DH could have a proper conversation with them about how they have behaved previously? Your DH should tell them they have upset you. I am old now honestly the amount of Christmas lunches I hosted over the years! They always included difficult, tricky and some downright nasty older family members (all dead now). My late IL’s were ‘not bothered’ about Christmas either but expected everything laid on😂. No consolation for you but your situation will be replicated all over the country on Christmas Day.

October is too late to be discussing this. You needed to start that conversation in Autumn 2024. "looking forward to Xmas this year (2024) and looking forward to 2025 when we're doing a different family Christmas."

Right from the start of the year you set family expectations about the fantastic advent party you will have on 1st December, or the Christmas Eve event, or the 12th night celebration. Memorable celebrations that everyone loves, that get put into the family calendar forever after... Things that put a boring Christmas day into the shade.

If DH likes cooking then get him to do it. Not to mention I suspect that he likes Christmas more than he lets on 🤔
As I suggested just do the bare minimum with food and decorations - the inlaws will probably notice and if they do, just say that they seem to prefer a simpler arrangement so that's what you've gone with.

I don't understand this advice - the OP then still doesn't get a Christmas she'd enjoy.

And the first time someone called my child fat would be the last time they saw said child. If you can't stick up for yourself then do it for your children. Remind your husband that he can't unilaterally decide what the deal is for every single Christmas, you get a say too. If he wants to make this a hill to die then I'd be questioning my commitment to that relationship anyway. The same applies really for if he grudgingly agrees to your plan but spends the day with a face like a slapped arse, thereby ruining it for you anyway.

They’re toxic and mean, you don’t have to host them. Have another discussion with your dh… then say you will come to them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if they want to see you or wait till next year.

You only have to look at the poll result to see that the vast majority of people agree with you. It sounds like DH is unable-unwilling to stand up to his parents. I think addressing this now will save a lot of heartache down the road. It will be tough but the family he is creating has to take precedence over the family of origin.
its quite reasonable to want a Christmas Day just as your little unit. The others can sort themselves out- there’s plenty of time. Boxing Day is a good compromise. I believe that’s what my parents did when one side of the family was reluctant to relinquish Christmas Day.
(I think there is also lots of nightly passive aggressynastiness and potential exclusion going on with your in laws. Any other times they exclude you and just want son and the kids?)

Exactly. The OP wants herself and the children to have a nice Christmas as she sees fit, not have to just make do like his family approach it.

Tell them to bugger off OP then go to B&M and go mental in the Christmas aisle.

I think I'd be massively unreasonable and have the row. Tell him if he wants to see them on the day then he can go to them if he wants and you and the kids can have a quiet one.

Otherwise you go low effort. Don't do any present buying for them and shut down any shit comment that they make.

I came on to say this! I’d have been apoplectic! It would’ve been like them walking in and smacking me round the face!!! Shocking

"The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?!"
Have you said this to him? Are they the type of people who claim not to want a big fuss on their birthdays and then get all offended if no one makes a fuss?!
And the comments about your dcs bodies and eating need to stop, immediatly. They sound exhausting.
Tell dh how you feel, that youre upset that he thinks a quiet family christmas isnt what he wants, and that he shouldnt always get the final say on what happens. You fund it and do most of the prep, so you get an equal say on what happens. You'vehad X amount of christmases his way, now its time to try something new

Tbh I’d say his family have plenty of time to sort a few scratchings of a Turkey leg together and a few carrots, to share between them for their Christmas dinner. Given they don’t like the fuss. So you can easily tell them now, it’s 2 months for them to get the Turkey legs.

Another vote here for let them come and haul them up on every single rude thing. Bags go on the table: hand them back and point out the work that went into it, excellent comment above asking why presents opened when you’re not in the room, ask them to explain why the children are spoiled, tell them they do not get to comment on your children’s eating habits, remove your kids from the room if they call them fat. Polite but assertive. And no one gets to insult your DC in their own home!!

And tell your DH now all of these things that bother you and you are not going to tolerate it. Up to him what he does with that knowledge.

The person that cooks gets to decide who they host - sorry!

I get it, its not about the cooking etc, its about having a voice and a say in how you spend Christmas Day. Not everyone wants a house full of people, and there's nothing wrong with a family Christmas which is limited to your immediate family. Alternating is a good compromise, if he shuts you down completely and refuses to compromise, I would point out to him that perhaps you have bigger issues to deal with than Christmas.

Probably because they know that you clearly don't like them! And probably never has, it's quite telling that you begrude your family being there at Christmas but open your house to have a friend stay for Christmas.
You actually sound jealous that your husband has a good relationship with his family and you don't!

You’ve got to out your foot down OP! It isn’t normal to see just one side of the family every single year. Most couples would alternate - his side one year, her side the next. Mine and DH’s was even better - both sides one year, just the 4 of us the next.

It’s your turn to decide what you do! A Christmas with just the 4 of you sounds perfect. Why should your poor DC have to put up with being criticised on what is the most magical day of the year for them?

But he does everything at Christmas with regards to hosting so he gets to choose who he hosts!

Thanks everyone - it is no nice to read that I'm not overreacting about some of the things they have done and said - I did wonder and obviously dh does stick up for them and claim they don't mean anything/I'm being silly if I mention this stuff to him. It's draining and I think I could cope with it better if he'd be on my side a bit more and be firm with them about timings/call them out on shitty comments a bit, but he never does. I'm definitely going to bring it up again once dc are in bed and see if we can at the very least make it a meal time only thing this year with a view to not doing it on the 25th next year.