To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

It’s October not Dec 14th . Plenty of time for the OH family to make alternative arrangements. I’d tell them you aren’t hosting . For me it’s not just that their there but so disrespectful aswell dumping carrier bags all over the Christmas table , I mean who does that .

I'd be swooping in and removing the bags..drop them on the floor and straighten up the table settings . Saying " it took me ages to do that"
I wouldn't be waiting on them either.. it would be " dh..your mother wants a drink "

The bags on the table is just so rude! Not to mention the commenting on what the kids are eating and calling one of them fat!

Please stick to your guns and have Christmas just with your DH and DC. We host every single year to family who pretty much are as you have described in your post. We have only had 2 Christmases in 13 years just DH and DC and they were lovely. You can always host next year.

I could cope with the bags on the table. To me that comes under the category of small stuff - mildly annoying, but likely to be more carelesness than some kind of PA, grand gesture.

Fat-shaming impressionable kids is the one I’d take far more seriously. But above all this is a DH problem. If his wants always take priority over others’ then there’s a distinct aura of ‘head of the household’ here, which needs putting right back into its box!

When mine were small christmas with the in-laws became an endurance exercise like you. Arrived earlier at around 10 (12 suggested) and did not leave until 7.30. After discussion with work fruends we decided to do a late lunch the following year at 4pm. Made it clear this was so we could have a lazy present opening morning just us and the kids. MiL was not impressed, but accepted it. We still do this now and my kids are 17 and 19. It helped to make christmas day enjoyable without the rush. Good luck xxx

I had this with my exh, but he wouldn’t cook - he said he’d do it all but had no concept of when to prep the veg, etc so guess who ended up doing it. Including when I was heavily pregnant. He was always insistent that his parents must see him and their only grandkids because he was an only child, even though I am also an only child and my parents were more understanding and would have been fine about not seeing us. He wanted the big family Christmas but wasn’t prepared to put any of the effort in to make it happen.

Now we are divorced and he spends a lot of christmases with his girlfriend, suddenly he is fine about not always seeing his parents. I, however, only now get the Christmas I always wanted!

Stick to your guns or you’ll resent it.

I don’t blame you. I hosted my parents in law every single year for 30 plus years. First my parents in law as a couple and then my mil on her own after my Fil passed away.
I longed for Christmas when it was just my husband and our kids, but my husband was an only child and they didn’t have any other relatives. I don’t know how I could have told my MIl not to come as they just assumed they were coming and once she was alone, I wouldn’t have had the heart to do it and would have only spent all day feeling awful and guilty. It’s so hard once the president has been set. I should have put my foot down when my parents in law still had each other at least.

Do your in laws both have someone else to spend Christmas Day with ? If so I’d try and do alternate Christmasses. Could you go away for a short break or something ?

christmas aside because you’ve had enough advice regarding that….

@Nant90 PLEASE don’t wait for your husband to correct their behaviour (because he doesn’t!) YOU NEED to correct their behaviours as they happen…

bag on table ‘Can you not see the table is decorated and you’re ruining it MIL?
the comments about your child’s weight is totally out of order and PLEASE don’t tolerate this!! Tel hee hee comments are bloody rude and ask how she’d fee if one of the children heard her comments and felt crap about themselves!!
comments about presents - ‘YES MIL it is ANOTHER present - if you don’t like what I buy my own children please keep that opinion to yourself because you ruin my Christmas every year!!… if DH is upset with you for your directness then remind him you didn’t want them there for this exact reason - because you wanted a Christmas with YOUR kids without MIL criticising every bloody thing you do with YOUR FKN children!

but yes nip all the behaviours in the bud - not just at Christmas but all year round.

My daughter now has an eating disorder because of other people making flippant comments about her weight and about other peoples weight in front of her… I wish I could turn back the clock and stop all conversations based on other peoples appearances!

You definitely need to tell DH you’re actually pissed off that he gets the Christmas he wants every year and what you want doesn’t matter to him…. Tell him you need some time to get your head around what that means for you going forward…. Maybe tell him that since he gives no shots about your enjoying Christmas … next year you’re taking the kids to butlins for a Christmas break and need to know if he’s coming or whether he’ll be hosting his parents at home! That will make him think!! Tell him if you can’t have every other year without his family then you’ll be going away every other year instead!

I think you’ve got to start being super vocal and correcting their behaviour right away in the moment - they’ll soon learn not to mess with you.

Completely this. Just 100 percent. ❤️