To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

This^^

DH We have the Christmas you want with your family every year. From this year we will be taking turns, so that I get to choose to have the Christmas I would like. That makes it fair. —and no I don’t like your family—

You should be able to achieve a compromise, your DH can't just shut you down! Strict timings, yes they'll ask why but tough, no reason just you want to spend time as a family thanks moce on or don't come.

Or he could give you this Christmas as you've done so many with his family.

I do wonder if because he's a sahd be sees it as a social thing and therefore adds to the day, as he's not goign to work and doing Christmas festivities or getting his socialising out there.

Dh family's comments are dreadful BTW, they're clearly far too comfortable in your home.

Bugger that. We have spent Xmas day on our own as a family for the past 30 years! Plenty of time to catch up with others between Boxing day and New Years day. Fortunately, we are both on the same

Put your foot down and say it is non negotiable this year!

"I don't want to do it this year. I've done it every other year and I want this one to be more relaxed. Are you going to tell your rellies or shall I?"

Rinse and repeat until he accepts you mean it. (And I say this as someone whose child has not invited us to her family Xmas this year because she wants a quiet holiday on her terms.)

Tell dh to fukoff enjoy your family christmas do what you want enjoy what you want and drink as much as you want

Put your foot down. Just say no, quietly. An excuse (truth or lie or half lie) can be helpful. You’re a teacher and you “need to wind down over Christmas holidays”. Or there’s just too much to fit in with the children just finishing school. Or you’ll “be out half the day” as you have plans to see a friend, go to church, or something like that.

The excuse doesn’t have to completely make sense, you just have to stick to it!! What’s most important is that there is a NO in there.

If you felt like it, you could offer them an invitation on Boxing Day - at such and such a time (not earlier). Or your husband could go and visit them on Boxing Day by himself “John says he’ll pop over a Boxing Day, I’m gonna chill here with the kids“.

There’s no right or wrong here, it’s really up to you what you decide to do.

I quite like this approach though.

Oooo, that’s straight for the jugular. I felt that.

After breakfast with the children, bundle them up and take them to see Christmas lights, go on a scenic drive, visit a park or museum if open, and do not return home until mealtime. If in-laws ask where you’ve been, tell them you wanted special time with your children and let the chips fall where they may. That’s if you can’t get DH to see reason.

Yep know that feeling, we are always expected to see DH family Christmas day, driving over to see them. We usually see mine boxing day, but just my mum and dad, who are so much more relaxed, we generally just play board games and chill

DH family is more formal, and the "entertainment" usually includes a quiz about the family, so i end up just sat there like a lemon

I don't get why we cant see them Xmas eve instead, then have Christmas day to ourselves, then see my family boxing day

They rarely ask what we want for gifts just pick things out fortunately while on maternity ive discovered vinted!

If seeing them is a non negotiable (as it seems to be here) could you have it just so they pop in for a coffee then leaving you to have your meal etc in peace?

You’ve had them EVERY year. And they’ve actually been really rude and disrespectful to you. Your husband is being selfish and unfair. I’d dig my heels in.

I’d dig my heels in too OP.

Completely understand how you feel. We had my mother every year for years. Just her. But I too found she would push her boundaries, make the day entirely about her, and our kids tended to ascend to their rooms a lot earlier than we hoped for. Then we would have her at ours till really late.

The final straw - thankfully for DP too - was when we kindly requested for her to come mid afternoon, when food would be almost ready and we had both spent time with our own sets of children who we were staggering in separately from 12-2pm (blended family)

She arrived literally moments after DPs children had arrived. In and out to her car bringing various bits of shit in, dogs going bananas as a result and DP almost spiralled through the ceiling. Her claim was she wanted to be there before my kids - who weren’t coming for another 2 hours - and I’d reserved an hour for me to spend with just them, which again she ruined.

She didn’t appear to have any awareness of how she had obliterated DPs or my time with our own kids separately on our own. In fact she didn’t stop talking or crashing about with various bags whilst DPs kids were opening their presents

I hadn’t even started cooking either so also had her shuffling round the kitchen behind me the entire time - I like my space in the kitchen - and I was already fuming anyway.

So yes - we now have told the entire family that we prioritise our time with our kids. So the second year running, that is exactly what we are doing - and I can’t wait!

Yes. If they can’t be banned, I would sabotage.

get up extra early, have Santa with kids, a fun breakfast, then head out on a Christmas Day adventure. Take snacks. If PILs rock up at noon they can sit and talk with your husband.

Roll in well after the usual mealtime. Take kids upstairs for baths and pjs.

Your updates are poignant OP
I think the more you can leave DH and in-laws alone together the better, as if you're not there to buffer their relationship he may be more likely to experience and therefore admit the issues.
When you and DC are there you are taking the brunt of it, and he can keep at a safe distance and pretend it's not that bad.
Does he want them close by without actually being close? I'm just picturing him hiding away cooking in the kitchen.
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YANBU and it is disrespectful for your husband to not take your views into account. I would make no effort at all and let your DH do it all if he won’t listen and make Christmas Eve or Boxing Day your Christmas where you dress the table, set up family traditions etc. Take the DC down the park Xmas morning and let your DH entertain his family. Just focus on your children.

If they turn up at Christmas I would have my phone on me and message dh
11:50am your sister is rude to me

12:10 your mum shits on my decorations

12:30 your sister thinks I do x badly and my husband never ever defends me with his family, good in law relationships are created when your husband has your back but mine never fucking ever stands up for me

2:20 your mum doesn’t like the food

2:30 oh look they tried to have the kids open their presents without me again and you didn’t do anything AGAIN

2:50 your sister dad and mum are all being an arse to me ans they have criticised our dc about 50 million times, good parents try ane give their kids a fun Christmas, not much fun about being told your lazy and have bad manners

then he and you will have a very clear record for next year of why they aren’t coming in the house.

I'd suggest not pussyfooting around and directly telling your DH you do not want to host them this year- say you have had enough of it for now and you want Christmas together as a family.
Should he object tell him they are always critical and you find it wearing, if he says "you just don't like my Mum" point out that the feeling is obviously mutual.
Tell him that it is fine he isn't bothered about Christmas, but point out that you are, so why is he determined to make yours miserable by landing his parents on you every year?
Your DH is probably like most men- he would rather not have to tell them they are not invited, as it is a slightly uncomfortable conversation.
To be fair they really should not assume you will host them every year, but really you should have put your foot down earlier-it would have been far easier.

Absolutely this!! 100 percent. You are his wife and mother of his kids he should care what U want too. You are supposed to be an equal partnership. Your reasons are valid he needs to listen. It's not cool that his needs trump yours every year and you just have to suck it up. Would never happen if the roles were reversed. I feel pissed off on your behalf OP so I can only imagine how you must feel. :(

OP, I'm normally team 'suck it up, it's one day' but they sound bloody annoying!!

I think he is being really selfish. Why are you not allowed the Christmas you want but he can get his every year?

Why do his mums feelings matter more than yours?

I don’t understand the big deal about every other year. At the moment we do every other year with mine and my husband’s parents. We have a daughter now, just gone 3. And I actually think very soon it will be a 3 year rotation with spending time at home just us.

Let him do all the work… and make sure to say that when his family is around « I am so proud of DH! He has prepped everything this year! »
Next year, they won’t come.

They are taking the mick out of you and your DH lets them.

Yeap… invading another family’s space is defo a mil issue.

Quoting this as it’s exactly what you need to be asking OP.

These ungrateful people are going to rob you of precious time and memories with your DC at a really special time of year and time flies by so quickly.

Your DC won’t be young forever and the magic of Christmas and the wonderful memories you should be making is being utterly sabotaged by your DH and his horrible family.

My DC are older now and we have lovely Christmas’s, but I would give anything to turn the clock back 10 years to re-capture that sense of wonder and joy.

Take a stand now before these people and time itself ruin these opportunities for you.

I know . So disrespectful .