To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

Why not suggest every other year to him? So one year you get what you want to do, and the next he gets to do what he wants to do.

How the hell is it too late to change it now? Presumably mil has an oven and all the shops haven't sold out of turkey already? It certainly isn't too late for op to put herself first for once.

This! Pretend it’s Xmas day on Boxing Day and keep some of your dcs gifts for that day. We used to do similar and told everyone we had a “PJ Day” and wanted no visitors. It was a really fun, relaxing day.

I'm sorry but having a beautifully dressed table on Christmas day is MAJOR The dumping of the carrier bags on said table is disrespectful and unforgivable, for that alone they would be banned.
Get your dh to do everything this year if he insists on hosting.
🫂

I've voted YABU because you didn't post this in "Christmas"

You aren't being unreasonable but maybe you could explain to your DH that it hurts to see all your careful preparations ignored. If they don't value Christmas that is fine but they could respect the things you do value, as you respect his wish to be with his family on the day.

Exactly 💯

To answer a few points, we always see my family in the new year and we are all happy with that. I am going to try again with dh and may suggest alternating years. It's the shutting it down that gets to me. Like he couldn't comprehend why we wouldn't have them for Christmas day, despite the fact that they apparently don't care about it and I have made it clear I do care and would like a different kind of day this year.

It reminds me that the first year we were living together I had a friend who had just come out of a relationship and so we invited him to stay for Christmas. None of dh's family were coming - they don't really do Christmas (!) and we were in a pretty grotty rental. Then on the 23rd mil got in touch out of the blue to say her plans had fallen through and could she come. We had one spare room so she took that and my friend had to go on the sofa and ended up leaving earlier than planned. It felt like a put up job, to be honest. Whenever something is important to me it doesn't happen and mil's feelings are the priority.

Hold firm, and take a year off.

Or DH helped engineer that situation

Does he normally get his way, or is Christmas his only sticking point?

You have my sympathy OP. I have the same problem. Every bloody year they come to us. I’ve tried the ‘you cook’ - he burnt the turkey. But then I guess who cares?

One year I insisted we all go out for Christmas dinner - that was a good year.

Problem for me is that he doesn’t want what I want - which is a quiet Christmas with us and the DC. He loves a big noisy Christmas with loads of people (one year he invited 19!!)

They only live about 5 miles away- he’s like ‘I can’t bear them to be alone at Christmas’. So every year I suck it up (but tend to have a massive meltdown on Christmas Eve).

It’s so hard.

Oh and if I make him cook they’d be like ‘oh poor DH, he works so hard and now he has to do all the cooking too’. Also by cooking I can try and hide a little bit (and get drunk).

It sounds like his “Get Out” clause is that he does (and enjoys doing) the cooking which is always the moot point in these situations. The cook is the star, particularly as he is their son. You will be perceived as “ not doing that much” even though you’re on DC duties and running around prepping the house & cleaning etc. People get used to these social situations and become demanding and interfering, ie: commenting about your DC presents and even their weight 😱
How bloody rude!
That would be their last Christmas in my house for years.

Ive been with DP six years and from the very first Christmas, it became set in stone that we would go to his DPs on Boxing Day. I didn’t mind the first year as I was on best guest behaviour, nod and smile etc. However, it became expected that we would cook and take an entire buffet 30 miles with us (including desserts and drinks!) lay it all out and wash up before they cheated blatantly at board games!
Guess who had to start cooking early on Boxing Day morning to facilitate all this?🙋‍♀️
Last year, after some unpleasant behaviour from his Ddad, I refused point blank to go on Boxing Day and we went several days later. Some barbed comments were made, but I ignored them. I have already marked out my position for this year.
DP isn’t even the “Golden Child” that’s the absent sister…

My advice - start by trying to move them from Christmas Day to Boxing Day…

The problem is, even if you discuss it and he agrees to do it your way, he could still have a face on him on the day itself. Having a cosy "just you" Christmas with someone who is resenting it is no fun. So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, unless he makes a real effort.

I wonder if part of the problem is that you end up doing a lot of the entertaining, especially because he is cooking. Could you switch up the jobs so he is spending more time with his family and you're getting a bit more mental space in the kitchen? Dinner doesn't have to be the full works, or you could go less traditional with lasagne or something. I appreciate it sounds a bit topsy turvy suggesting you do even more of the work, but it sounds like a lot of the pinch points are in your interactions with his family and at the moment, it sounds like your day is set up to maximise these.

You don’t want to host a big Christmas this year, so don’t! I think a compromise of a Boxing Day buffet would be a good way to go. Why do you not get a say in all of this?

He invited 19???

You like a quiet Christmas??

Id have shot him!!

Time to make a stand. I did this with my inlaws. We host them on Boxing Day. Best decision ever. Never looked back. It's been a few years now, and they accept it. Get past the push back, it will be uncomfortable, as setting a new boundary always is, but so sos osooooooooo worth it

⬆️⬆️ look OP!!

Another poster saying Move It To Boxing Day!

It gives you your Xmas day back and they still get to come round and be rude - but not on the Big Day!

Just go to your family on Christmas Day and leave him to it.

I'd be reminding your H that you are equals in the marriage and that when you want different things, it's not his way by default, it's a compromise. Tell him you've done Christmas his way every year so far and now its your turn. Tell him that for future years you can alternate. Obviously he can refuse and invite them anyway. In which case you'd need to think what your plan B was (refuse to host?) or worse, he could reluctantly agree then PA spoil the day by claiming it was boring. Much will depend on the decency of the man, the strength of your marriage and how much he cares about your wishes. All of which are issues bigger than Christmas plans.

YANBU.

Excellently said @5128gap

Just say no, if hubby is bothered he can go to theirs and cook for them.

I do actually quite like the idea of me doing more of the cooking so I could hide in the kitchen (drinking wine) BUT I want to spend the day with the dc. Dh is already sahd and I work f/t and do feel I miss out a bit. I want to be around the dc as much as possible when I'm off, especially on Christmas Day.

It's also reminded me of another annoying thing they do - they seem to go out of their way to give the dc their gifts when I'm out of the room. So I'll nip to get something and then when I come back they'll have opened something with them (and will probably be moaning that the dc don't appreciate it as they have too much...). If I was there I would make sure the dc were gracious but they have this weird thing about giving things when I'm momentarily absent, for some reason.