To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

This is what I did and it works perfectly. We host the extended family on Christmas, but we have our nuclear family Christmas on Christmas Eve. It is much easier to be gracious to annoying relatives when you have had a wonderful "Christmas" with your kids the day before.

You do Christmas his way every single year. Surely he can see that that's not fair.

Sod this crap. Your husband is being a selfish arsehole and needs to put you and the kids first for once. Put your foot down and tell him seriously how it makes you feel especially with their shitty arse comments. If he will not budge then maybe it is time to rethink if you want to stay with someone who never puts your needs first.

I think this is the year you stand firm on it, I also lay a beautiful table and would be pissed if people started dumping bags on it.

For once it can be about what you want. Dh has had it his way for too long without compromise. Dh can still cook a lovely roast dinner on a different day for his family to all come round, it doesn't have to be Christmas Day.

I made it clear when MIL was hosting a late afternoon buffet that no present opening would take place for my children when she was out of the room as she was in the kitchen prepping all the food. I knew she was the one who had chosen it all, shopped for it, wrapped it beautifully and there was no way she was missing out on seeing her Grandchildren open them.

Make the Christmas you want.

If you cannot understand the idea of the “nuclear family only” Christmas, count yourself lucky!
You’ve obviously not had to put up with horrendous distant “family members” who only appear at weddings, funerals and Christmas for the free food and drink!!
My DDad had some very greedy brothers and sisters who turned up out of the blue on these occasions purely because everything was for free, and he was a kind man.
One very pushy aunt came from Australia in early December and stayed at our house (unexpected and uninvited) til January. I had to give up my room for them and my presents were ‘borrowed’ by their kids!! I was 8 years old.
Not everyone is nice!

If this was me and my DH did all the cooking anyway, I think I'd keep Christmas Day as it is but without all the decorations etc, then have a lovely Boxing Day as you want it with all the things you like, even holding back some presents to open on that day instead. It could become a lovely family tradition.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given is that you can't change others so you have to change the way you deal with it x

If my DH did all the cooking and he wanted to have his parents over on Christmas Day, then I’d happily let him invite them.
I’m imagining the future when I’m older and might want to spend time with my son’s family and grandchildren.

I have never hosted Christmas. We always do two. Extended family Christmas is earlier in December. MIL hosts, uncles aunts and cousins come to exchange gifts and have a Christmas dinner, then leave early. Christmas Eve/Day is just for my family. I like to have Christmas at my own home with no fuss or stress, and make it more about my child than socialising with people I don't know that well. Do what makes you happy!

There are still two months until Christmas; it's hardly too late for people to adjust to a new plan.

This is depressing to read. I could not abide being dismissed and waved away like that. And his automatic assumption of his way or the highway.

What ages are your kids? Do they still believe in Santa?

I was going to suggest you have a fancy meal on Christmas Eve, just your household, so that you could enjoy some pomp and festivity. Then maybe Christmas Day wouldn't sting so much; just do leftovers/grazing board etc. while you sit there and enjoy your wine.

But his unilateral declaration that they are coming is galling. Not to mention their disrespect of your dining table; I would have lost it if someone plopped dirty carrier bags on my carefully arranged stuff.

You need to break this level of entitlement. If DH insists on them coming then say their arrival time should be 2pm for 3pm lunch. You can then have a lovely time in the morning. Keep reminding them not to arrive until 2pm on a regular basis. On Christmas Day set a departure time of 6.30 as children need to wind down before bed. This has worked perfectly for my relatives and in-laws over the years especially when others have not been keen on hosting - you host then it’s your rules otherwise they can bugger off. Tell DH that Christmas is for the children not a bunch of grinches

This!

Plus your DH needs to compromise and it’s every other year, not every year. If he didn’t agree to this, I’d take the kids away & leave him home alone with his parents & sister but I appreciate that’s quite extreme.

Oh my, we only have one life. Imagine being stuck spending all Christmases with the in-laws, how miserable. Put a stop to it NOW.

Yanbu.
Not sure how you should handle it with DH, but if they are coming and ignoring the arrival time you give maybe consider getting out of the house with children in the morning until the time you asked them to arrive, or at least so you're not there when they arrive and stuck with them all morning. Not sure how old your DC are, but going to feed ducks or playground or whatever!
Might not be your preferred way to spend Xmas morning but might be preferable, and reinforce the message they are ignoring I.e. please arrive at 12. I appreciate not all kids like leaving the house on Xmas day so might need some incentives to get then on board!

Also, maybe consider a Xmas eve ritual (giving one present, eating something simple but nice) - so you have more of the kind of Christmas you'd like, without them zapping the good vibes.

Wishing you luck

They sound dreadful - such bad manners and extremely rude. Hope you manage to get the Christmas you want. We've had some awful Christmasses because of inconsiderate older relatives. Enough is enough.

It's only one day so why can't the husbands family sort themselves out instead of relying on OP every time. Works both ways.

You said you are low contact with your family so obviously they are annoying in major ways. So this year why not invite them for Christmas and see how dh feels having annoying folk foisted on him for Christmas..his eyes might be open.
And if anyone moved one thing in advance on my beautifully laid Christmas table l would lose the plot ..not to talk of shopping bags.

Tell DH that he'll he doing the cooking, cleaning and washing up as you'll have a headache!!

Is SIL and aunt partnerless? So do they band together all times of the year and barge in or is it saved for Christmas?

What does your FIL do for Christmas (I saw you wrote he is separated from MIL)?

I was also annoyed to hear about the ruined table setting. I would have pushed their bags off and let them fall to the floor.

We went away as a family for a Christmas treat one year. Perhaps you could find an unexpected opportunity to do that; it would also help with the "what else would we be doing" question.

It's so unfair that he has made himself the boss and dictating how things are.

Perhaps it's to maintain some sense of male ego, what with his wife being the breadwinner.

It's your home too, and it's out of order that HE is making the overriding decision, who the fuck does he think he is?

If he is unwilling to compromise to having them alternate years instead, then you have a serious DH problem, more so than you already have.

If they end up with you again, be sure to call them out on their behaviour, make it uncomfortable for them. And if they end up giving your son body issues over their "fat" comments, jesus, they'd never be welcome in my home ever again. Every time they do or say something rude, say "did you mean to be so rude Judy?", "have you lost your manners Judy?", "do you mean to be so disrespectful Judy?". Just keep continuously turning it back on them to the point they feel awkward and uncomfortable, and if your DH dares to say anything, ask him why he things it's ok for YOU and your DC to be made to feel awkward and uncomfortable in your own home but not his rude family?

Grrrr I'm hating your DH right now.

Can we all just agree to cancel Christmas? Love the festivities leading up to it but the actual day causes so many arguments. We have the issue every year of who’s parents to be with and where to be and all just a headache. I’d rather go on holiday

They sound very much like my in laws both in table ruining, cheap presents & gift commenting. I told my husband never again. Your issue is your husband. Tell him it’s loads of effort and you’re knackered. If he wants them to come he can buy you all a pub lunch out.

Yes I would sign that petition!!!

I think you need to take emotions out of this conversation and just get ready answers for DH so to answer “what else would we be doing” present him with a plan for the day , try to include things you know he’d like whatever it is. Have a think beforehand. Give him something different to look forward to.
“where would they go? “ to SIL/ auntie Mary/ grandad John/ nowhere ( don’t say that you don’t care which is a real answer I suspect)
“why” try to give him a list of reasons : their comments are rude and setting up a bad example for DC, spoil fun etc etc .
I also don’t like them coming at 10 if they are clearly invited for 12 or later. Are you sure that your DH communicates this well? I’m a bit suspicious of him, he is the main problem here.

Stop it now. Don’t make it a tradition. Do alternate years only as a compromise not a solution ( if you want to).