To not want to host in-laws at Christmas (sorry!) again this year?

[Nant90]

I know it's October but this is being discussed now.

We have hosted them every year since we got together - mil, fil (they're not together anymore but amicable), sil and often an aunt too. I am low contact with my parents and come from a small family and would like a Christmas just with dh and dc. His family are fine but I don't massively enjoy their company and feel the day centres around them and what they want rather than our own family.

The thing that really grates is that dh has always claimed not to care about his Christmas, that his family don't, that it's 'ridiculous and over the top the way people go on about it,' yet it seems it's unthinkable not to have his family here for the day?! I love Christmas and spend a lot of the time making the house look nice, doing activities with the dc, wrapping gifts etc. Nothing major really, but important to me. His family seem to have no respect for any of that - last year I had laid and decorated the table (it looked lovely!) and they arrived and dumped a load of carrier bags on it, pushing all the settings out of the way. It's stuff like that - not major in the scheme of things, but annoying.

They also make endless comments about how many gifts the dc get. I honestly think we are at the lower end of what people get their dc - we spend around £100 each (not exact), which includes everything and some gifts are books/clothes and I also get stuff secondhand. My parents, mil, fil and sil are the only other people to buy them anything and spend around £15 max each, which is fine but I hardly think my kids are therefore spoilt, but it's endless comments all day: 'Another present!' 'Look at all these toys!' On and on - it gets right on my nerves- so tedious. This is then followed by more comments about how much the dc eat - 'they're gannets!' 'Can you really eat ALL that?' then culminating in ds2 being described as a 'fat child,' and that being why he looks cute in his clothes - he was two. I also wouldn't mind if they came for a few hours - for lunch basically, but despite being told to arrive around midday they have started coming at around 10 and stay up until kids' bedtime - 7-7.30. It's too much.

Anyway, it was mentioned this week and I brought it up today, tentatively suggesting we could maybe just be home alone this year and see people on Boxing Day, and dh has completely shut it down. It's like it's ridiculous to even consider it and most of annoying of all, he said, 'What else would we be doing?' which is so hurtful. These are the people for whom Christmas is apparently 'no big deal,' so why do we have to host them every sodding year?

Could they come Christmas Eve for a change? You could then maybe go to midnight mass while they babysit. Then you have a lovely day with your family Christmas Day.

But he does everything at Christmas with regards to hosting so he gets to choose who he hosts!

Cooking the main course isn't the only element of hosting Christmas Day, but even if it were, it's his choice to do that. I would have no issue if he said he didn't want to be the cook this year. He can't insist on cooking and use that to control everything else about the day, surely!

Yeah this would annoy me too! My dsis and DN cat-sit for us sometimes (which I'm v grateful for) & cos we live nr London so they can enjoy days out as they normally live 3 hours away. We have 2 cats and one is blind so it's pretty important to leave floors & countertops uncluttered (he's agile and can still easily climb onto worksurfaces) yet she always dumps bags etc on kitchen table and worktops and moves stools etc. Even tho when she arrives those areas are clutter-free. It does grate a bit and I often just move them somewhere more appropriate.

You don't need to make any excuses OP. I have an alright relationship with my in laws and can enjoy their company but I don't want to spend every Christmas with them either because I have to be "on" to a certain extent and I don't want that every year. Sometimes I want the privacy and comfort that being with my immediate family brings.

The answer to this is a compromise where every other year you host his family and have Christmas just as immediate family in between these years.

If he wouldn't do this I'd 100 per cent be going on strike. No way am I buying presents and cooking dinner when I'm not even allowed to choose the kind of Christmas I enjoy every other year.

This might have been asked or answered, but why can't SIL host in laws? Alternative Xmas's between you and her would be fairer and more tolerable, surely.

The more I think about this, the more I think you do have a DH problem. Becuase it's the disrespect they're showing you that's as much of a problem as anything else. DH can be a bit too accomodating of his family but he will NOT allow them to ever speak disrepectfully to or about me or the DC. Ever. And he has made that clear from day 1 when he firmly told MIL, about 15 minutes after she met our newborn DS for the first time that no, she didn't get to have an opinion on whether DS was hungry or not.

So, be prepared to properly head off things you KNOW they will do:
"Hi everyone. Merry Christmas. How lovely to see you blah blah blah... come in. I'v ejust finished setting the table so please put your gifts and parcels and bags ovr here rather - I don't want things disrupted"

"No MIL - DC can eat whatever they like at Christmas"

"If you call my child fat, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave. That's completely unacceptable language to use around a child." (or some lighter version - my dad has a few issues with weight so I've had to say similar to him a few times along lines of, "Daaaed, no, we're not saying that. It' snot okay. Please keep your opinions to yourself" but of course, it's easier if you're doing it ot your own parent. But ifyour DH wont' step up, you have to. \

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When my godchildren were small, I used to do the Children's Crib Service at church on Christmas Eve afternoon, then all back to mine on the premise that after dark on Christmas Eve counted, and we did the present opening round the tree, German-style. Well if it's good enough for the Royal Family......then they would go home, stuffed with carbs, to sleep until the Day itself which they spent with grandparents. If church is not your thing, remember that it gets dark very early, so a wintry walk to admire all the local house decorations and whet their appetites means that Daddy could cook in peace while they get some fresh air.
Then, you could you do something cosy just for family, open the presents without snarky comments, and then brace yourself for the 25th.
Do the fancy table setting on 24th; you like it, he's not that fussed (allegedly) and on 25th a simple, unfussy everyday table setup can be seen as going along with his wishes. As for their gifts, why not prime your older DC to exclaim delightedly and call it to your attention as soon as presents are produced "as you don't want to miss it".
If they linger overlong, their DS can entertain his folks while you do their normal bedtime routine, and you and the DC will not have missed the nuclear family bit.

It's the same at mine... I spend a fortune in time and energy and my brother and sil and kids, moan, lay on the sofa, burp, fart, moan about being exhausted, eat everything, moan about being too full.
fuck off then!

When I married my ex-husband he had a large extended family and I had none in the UK. I made it clear from the start that we would not be spending every Christmas at my inlaws - my late MIL always put on a big Christmas Day lunch every year.

Luckily my ex in laws were reasonable nice people and accepted it...even though we had no children (and no intention of having any). Myself and the ex both worked long unsociable hours at the time and really valued having Christmas on our own every other year.

I would be telling your husband that you've been more than fair up to now regarding how Christmas is spent and this year you want it to be just your immediate family on the day...and every other year going forward.

I actually felt rage when I read that in the OP. Im a very laid back person .. but my god if someone messed up my Christmas dinner table like that I think I'd lob their stuff back out of the front door!

Hi OP. I have tried to read your comments but haven't read all of everyone else's.
I don't wish to sound harsh but your OH sounds rather unpleasant if this is how he is acting. From afar it seems very much as if he has said its my house and I will do what I want. The fact he feels he has control over all of you (when you are meant to be equal partners in life) is baffling to me. I would never ever let my husband tell me what was happening at Christmas and if I didn't want people coming that would be the end of it.
Does he not understand the word compromise?
To me it seems you have a few options. You can absolutely put your foot down and you would be well within your rights to. The trouble with that from your reply is he would be happy to do nothing that makes it special for the DC (the decorating and games and fancy family stuff) and would just have a very non special day.
I am intrigued as to how he says its just a day, and not special, yet insists it has to be that day for them to come around and no other. Something doesn't add up there.
The other option is to look into doing something away (mini break) so they simply can't come.
Another option to go out for the day/half the day so that noone will be in until their allotted arrival time.
I am trying to help think of feasible ideas as I just simply don't get how he has the control here and can insist and get away with it.
Just because he cooks does not mean he gets to host whoever he wants (as another suggestion read) and have people intrude on your peace in your home. That's just wrong.
I think you may need to be more assertive here and also insist they are not coming but that you will host them together the following day/day after.
If he has an issue with this there is an underlying lie as to what he has previously told you about not doing anything.
The GPs opening presents specifically when you have gone to get drinks etc is very underhand.
As a compromise it may have to be 1 year on and 1 year off (Like I think a lot of families would be) but just because you don't see your own DP on Christmas doesn't mean it has to be his every year. Your children are also entitled to have their own family Christmas too without the intrusions.

i think you just need to be firm.

I missed how old your DCs are, can you instill into them that they don't open presents unless you are there (to photograph it for the ILs if you like...)

But i would be firm. You want x christmas and he wants y christmas so it is fair to alternate. And just keep repeating that.

ETA: if they EVER put a carrier bag on my beautifully decorated table i would go BALLASTIC on their backsides.

Give it back to your dh

tell him, if you want to host your parents for xmas that is fine- you'll be shopping in Tesco for all the foo, cooking and decorating the house etc. They really don't like the effort I go to so I will leave it to you to organise, seriously why have them round when they can't see the point?

What I will do is host them Boxing Day and put on a buffet and everyone can get stuck in

its your choice

I think you should see his family every other year and get to have a nuclear family Christmas in between. We did it for the first time last year and it was lovely. You need to have a proper conversation with him about it and be honest about what you want and how last Christmas made you feel.

Every year is precious for your kids. Don't waste a single year. If this is what you really want, fight for it.

Ideally you'd want them to come on boxing day, much easier in so many ways. So move Christmas.

Kids have "family Christmas" on Christmas eve...family gifts.. lovely meal, dress up etc..dh does all the cooking
Then on Christmas day they get 1 santa present..plus whatever the relatives bring
Relatives turn up and make mess..no problem it's all over with really.
Dh can spend more time with the whole family ( so how can he object) as he did all the cooking yesterday and can reheat the huge amounts of leftovers as a buffet because "they dont really care about that sort of thing"

The kids will love two days of Christmas..everybody wins.

I don’t really think the issue is about Christmas. Although what you describe sounds tortuous OP so you have my sympathies.

It’s that your partner is disregarding your feelings. And putting your in-laws before you. And his own difficult feelings of not wanting to appear the ‘bad guy’ to his family, by telling them there’s going to be a different way of doing things this year.

I’d stay firm and keep restating that he’s had the Christmas he wants for the past so many years, now it’s your turn. No histrionics, stay calm and repeat.

And I’d be expecting him to back me up when they get bitchy.

Good luck.

I’m raging on your behalf, @Nant90 The bags on the table!!! 👿

Your ILs are intolerable, your DH is totally unreasonable. I don’t think it’s too late to change this year to Boxing Day or evening dinner only on 25th. Who on earth needs more than two months to get their head round that?

Better still, SIL or aunt must surely be due to host?!

Also agree with the people saying put your DCs first and prioritise the Christmas you and they want for a year or five.

Why can't his parents or SIL host for once? That way you can choose to go just for lunch and leave when you prefer.

I’d be worried about the comment from your husband, “What else would we be doing?” Sounds like he’d be miserable anyway if they didn’t come on the day.
Could you not suggest an arrival time, just before lunch say and an exit time, then they wouldn’t be there for so long?

That's what I did.
Planned since early teenage years, fortunately it worked out when I was 25.
There's no way (and was no way when younger)
I would let people force themselves into my private space, if they are "offended" or not.
Myself and my husband of 20 years don't have any kids, so if I like a quiet Christmas, as one of the PPs, and would end up with 19 people (19)!
I would walk away and very happily live in an apartment by myself.
No way I would resort to a meltdown or drinking to accommodate others.
Sorry. 🙁

DH always wanted to see his family at Christmas. He still goes on now about ‘magical’ christmases spent with them. It wasn’t. My MIL loathed it and also sit there complaining about every single fucking thing the DC got ‘ cant we return some, can’t we give some away’ thing is when they were little I didn’t actually get them very much. She would also complain about the food and the gluttony and spend all day talking about diets. FIL would get pissed and complain about what he got.

I have lots of friends who are close with family and they all see them Boxing Day and do buffets. It means the whole day can be relaxing and children can play.

Tell him you're looking forward to seeing him make all the arrangements and cooking a lovely dinner.

It's strange a lot of what you describe I've had over the years - comments about too many presents, food - and things important to me being sabotaged- I always thought it game playing TBH.

I put my food down early with christmas lost easter to do it - and then had issue with one kids birthday that often fell near that - so not ideal as never really got to build up easter traditions though much to wider family disgust made hallowean and bonfire night ones instead.

Things you could do - do kids presents/christmas stuff boxing day/christmas eve - don't let things go - if they are rude destroying a table display tell them they are being rude and wtf do they think they are doing. Mostly you need to make it a DH problem not you holding your tounge getting upset problem or manage them so they are bareable.

Oh my goodness! Same here but mine is my mother. Banging on and on about presents but its only me that gets them any. And all the guests and carrier bags! or manky half-dead bags for life on the table. Sorry. Sympathy.