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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

652 replies

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:19

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brooklans · 27/10/2025 17:55

Daleksatemyshed · 27/10/2025 17:51

My goodness, has it really come to this, you have to say don't choke me or abuse me. I'm too old for this shit 😱

Show quote history

Unfortunately yes. I don’t mind a bit of hair pulling and choking in the heat of the moment with a partner, but it’s become so mainstream and normal that I think a lot of men will think it’s acceptable to do that in the early days without discussions prior. It’s entitlement from porn. I’m very aware of this and I think this is why it’s bothered me so much.

OP posts:
ChillBarrog · 27/10/2025 17:56

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 17:29

He has texted me asking if I want to meet on Wednesday after work.

I don’t think he’s a bad person and I can forgive what he said but I cannot mentally force myself to find him attractive like I use to now. I really wish I could overwrite this but I can’t 😕

I’m so disappointed, not just with him but with how my minds works. I thought we had potential.

Edited

Once you've got the ick, it's done. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy, or you're picky, doesn't mean anything. Except that you've got the ick and that's that 🤷

NovemberMorn · 27/10/2025 17:57

ThatJollyGreySquid · 27/10/2025 17:47

It’s a shame, but I doubt there’s any coming back from this for you as it will have spoilt the first time anyway. It may be worth in future talking about what you like beforehand-for example with the guy I’ve been seeing I told him ( by message to make it less embarrassing) that I wouldn’t tolerate any choking, hair-pulling, man-handling or sexual insults. Incidentally I only waited three weeks. Luckily he wasn’t into any of those things anyway!

Edited

Thank God I did my courting pre '50 Shades'.🙄

ContentedAlpaca · 27/10/2025 17:58

Op, your mind works like that for good reason. It's to protect you.

At best he had absolutely no finesse, no ability to read a situation, no ability to determine how you are feeling etc.
At worst he meant to trample any boundaries, didn't care about your own enjoyment (despite what he claimed).
For me those scenarios are both massive red flags.

It is a separate issue but if he was worried about lasting then that hints at an ongoing problem for him.

MeetMyCat · 27/10/2025 18:04

ThatJollyGreySquid · 27/10/2025 17:47

It’s a shame, but I doubt there’s any coming back from this for you as it will have spoilt the first time anyway. It may be worth in future talking about what you like beforehand-for example with the guy I’ve been seeing I told him ( by message to make it less embarrassing) that I wouldn’t tolerate any choking, hair-pulling, man-handling or sexual insults. Incidentally I only waited three weeks. Luckily he wasn’t into any of those things anyway!

Edited

What?????? So not only do you have to somehow negotiate “exclusive” but you now have to state upfront that you don’t want to be choked etc?

Nandina · 27/10/2025 18:08

Revolting. He demands a blow job and then lies to make out it was for your benefit. How do they even say this stuff with a straight face?

Minnie798 · 27/10/2025 18:12

From a new man who I hadn't even had sex with yet, yuck.
From my long term dp, absolutely fine and I'd have took the piss in some way/ had a laugh about the comment.

SatsumaDog · 27/10/2025 18:13

Yuck. It’s the kind of thing I imagine a man saying to a prostitute, not someone he’s just started dating. I wouldn’t see him again if I were you op.

Gettingbysomehow · 27/10/2025 18:16

Yuck, I'd have left and never gone back.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/10/2025 18:19

There's times I'm glad I'm older, reading this thread is one of them. @Brooklans and @Dawnintheageofaquariams you're so right, porn is a bloody curse now, boys grow up thinking that's normal. The web is a wonderful resource but porn is taking over too many lives

EstherGreenwood63 · 27/10/2025 18:20

Oh Christ how utterly revolting. I pity women on the dating scene today I truly do. Excessive porn use has a LOT to answer for. Send him packing OP.

chickenlettuceunderbacon · 27/10/2025 18:23

For me, it is simply the phrase 'suck me off' alone that gives me the ick. Easily one of the unsexiest phrases ever. Also a sure fire way to ensure I will never, ever do that. (Which is odd actually as I love giving head. Even so, it needs to be my idea and not asked for, and most certainly not with the demand 'suck me off' 🤢

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 27/10/2025 18:23

This would put me off dump and move on

Toydrum · 27/10/2025 18:26

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 17:29

He has texted me asking if I want to meet on Wednesday after work.

I don’t think he’s a bad person and I can forgive what he said but I cannot mentally force myself to find him attractive like I use to now. I really wish I could overwrite this but I can’t 😕

I’m so disappointed, not just with him but with how my minds works. I thought we had potential.

Edited

You’re completely justified in feeling disappointed in the loss of potential for this relationship OP but please don’t think your mind isn’t working correctly over this. Everything you feel is completely normal.

RaininSummer · 27/10/2025 18:30

Well that is at all romantic or special is it? I would have been out of there and I doubt I would want to see him again.

lifeonmars100 · 27/10/2025 18:32

ugh, vomit inducing and that it without actually "sucking him off" as he so eloquently put it!

Bluecrystal2 · 27/10/2025 18:32

pinkdelight · 27/10/2025 14:37

He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs

What a genius caring gentleman! Thinking about your needs and articulating it so beautifully - 'Suck me off and make me cum first." The stuff of poetry!

Christ almighty, YANBU at all. Good in a way that you found out so unequivocally what an unattractive partner he'd make. Run and never look back.

Indeed, I think the line 'Suck me off and make me cum first." is either Wordsworth or Keats - brings a tear to the eye.

I bet he's useless in the sack anyway.

Move22 · 27/10/2025 18:35

Madformaltesers · 27/10/2025 17:13

Oh blimey i mistakenly voted ‘you’re being unreasonable’ disregard it!!!
think it was the shock of the audacity of him

You can change your vote!!

BlueJuniper94 · 27/10/2025 18:41

Oh yuk. This would absolutely kill it Stone dead for me

Kreepture · 27/10/2025 18:53

So not unreasonable.. even in an established relationship being spoken to like that gives me the immediate Ick... i've had to discuss it with current FWB because i really cannot STAND having that kind of stuff said to me.

I'm not a prude by a long shot. but ordering me to suck you off? Fuck off, no chance now... it's something i do on my terms, when/if i feel like it.

Zov · 27/10/2025 18:54

@Brooklans

How can you POSSIBLY think you're being a bit silly? Confused

No woman on earth is going to be happy to hear this from a man, especially one she hasn't known long and has never had sex with before.

Urgh, men are so grim and foul and gross. It's a wonder they ever get a woman to shag them. 😖 I'm so glad I'm old, and don't have to tolerate this shit anymore.

I would be binning him, but it's your call.

Buildingthefuture · 27/10/2025 18:55

At best, he sounds….clueless? A 15 second snog then he’s instructing you to “suck him off” 🤮🤮🤮 And it’s the first time you’ve had sex? I think that would be a massive turnoff for the vast majority of women and it’s concerning that he doesn’t realise that.
At worst he’s a porn addled, crap shag. Either way, I think he has to go.

Original poster
Brooklans · 27/10/2025 18:56

chickenlettuceunderbacon · 27/10/2025 18:23

For me, it is simply the phrase 'suck me off' alone that gives me the ick. Easily one of the unsexiest phrases ever. Also a sure fire way to ensure I will never, ever do that. (Which is odd actually as I love giving head. Even so, it needs to be my idea and not asked for, and most certainly not with the demand 'suck me off' 🤢

The whole scenario was unsexy to be honest.

While we were kissing and when he said that to me, he still had a sharers size bag of Doritos and a jar of Sour Cream and Chive dipping sauce on his crotch. In the mids of my disgust I remember looking down at them and thinking I’d have to remove the crisps and dip to get to his cock.
It was all just a bit grim.

OP posts:
DickDewey · 27/10/2025 18:58

I think if you were in an established relationship, it’d be fine. But the first time? No.

ThatJollyGreySquid · 27/10/2025 18:58

Daleksatemyshed · 27/10/2025 17:51

My goodness, has it really come to this, you have to say don't choke me or abuse me. I'm too old for this shit 😱

Show quote history

I just wanted to be sure-no unpleasant surprises or misunderstandings then. It’s the pornification of sex, it’s sad really.

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