New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

[Brooklans]

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

I mean, if anything, you'd expect that for a man who had done so well for himself and was so accomplished that not only would he not be on mumsnet in the first place, but if he ever heard a story about a man who, prior to sex, said to a woman 'suck me off first so I cum' while he sat with a bag of doritos and a jar of dip on his crotch would facepalm and think the guy made a very bad move and understand that of course many women would be turned off by that because there's nothing sexy about it, but no, not this poster, apparently OP did something wrong by being turned off, she should have enjoyed what he said because everyone likes that, and it wasn't the guys fault that he didn't know the OP was a narcissist.🤔🤔

Doesn't really add up 😂

:-)

OP, has he been back in touch?

Nope 🙂

There’s your answer!

You were right to be put off.

He’s realised that he’s blown it.

Sorry! Terrible joke. Couldn’t help myself 🤭

Good for you, I think we are all tired and sad about reading so many women with poor boundaries, who let men demean them, treat them like crap, or just ignore the red flags, it’s a joy to see one who says, “you know what, that wasn’t ok, it was as ick as it gets, you sounded like a teenage boy stuck in a porn vortex, and instead of owning it and apologising you tried to bullshit your way out of it in the cringiest way possibe”

there is another thread on here with a woman who was sent a video of her new guy wanking, after 5 weeks and 3 shags, unsolicited, so a similar vibe to this dude, and last I looked she wasn’t having the same boundaries to say no mate, that’s repugnant , consent is required. And what’s even sadder is some posters are saying well you didn’t explicitly tell him not to send you wanking videos; like that’s a thing you need to proactively address 5 weeks in just in case. And if you don’t think to do that, then it’s gloves off and they can send you anything they please and it’s your fault.

Further to my previous link, another rhetorical pattern he is demonstrating is test and apologise. Link below as to why it's problematic.

I strongly strongly recommend Jennie Young's Burnt Haystack Dating Method to both the OP and to anybody else who is dating. She's "Word Case Scenario" on instagram, and Burnt Haystack Dating Method group on Facebook and Substack.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C-8bf-xpygy/?

@Wildgoat That’s grim about the video.

Yes it’s a breath of fresh air seeing someone move on so decisively early on.

I’d like to find that thread but can’t see it - is it in the relationships section?

I love her. Much as I criticise social media I wish I had access to this platform 20 years ago.

Where is that thread.

Just curious. What would his reaction have been had you said you didn't do oral sex, do you think? Do men now expect this as part of normal sex and that you do it even if you do not like it? I don't like it and wouldn't do it however long the relationship had gone on. Not prudish either, but sex has got very pornified lately.

Come on, oral sex isn’t pornified! Perfectly ok to say you don’t want to do it, but it’s not some weird kink, it’s completely mainstream.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5435292-unsolicited-rude-video?reply=148163616

not sure if that works it’s called unsolicited rude video in aibu.

I agree about oral sex (but it needs passion, I think) but sex has got very pornified. The very fact men now want women to be completely shaved so that they look like pre-pubescent girls is unpleasant and anal sex (dangerous) and other kinks (strangulation for example) abound as if 'normal' when they are not.

There are a lot of sexual acts that have been pornofied. The way he asked for it was a but porn-y. But oral itself isn't. It might not be your thing but it is mainstream. Teenagers do it as their first sexual act and it even has it's own "base" when talking how far you've gone with someone.

I agree about the strangulation as it can be dangerous but millions of people have anal sex without issue - it’s not what I’d consider a kink and lots of women prefer to be fully waxed by choice.

Thank you! And yes the link works.

I really dislike this reference to children. No adult woman looks like a child shaved, none, I am both female and mother to a daughter and shaving doesn’t make your genitalia look like that of a child’s, both hair free sure, but absolutely not child like and I really wish people would stop jumping on the bandwagon and saying it,

Many women prefer to be fully waxed by choice - but why? Shaving the pubic area can cause irritation as well as rashes, the hairs can grow back into the follicle causing discomfort, too. They have imbibed that pubic hair must be shaved possibly as more hygienice (it isn't) - I think that's part of our porn culture since women shaving for men has always been male-centred and plays into the pre-pubescent look suggesting more men have paedophiliac fantasies than we like to think.
Many people do anal sex. But it is dangerous for women because their anus is less robust, more prone to tearing which can lead to faecal incontinence. And it's no fun - women have no prostate gland and no pleasure centres there, it's entirely for men's pleasure, not mutual at all.

But lots of women genuinely enjoy anal? I’m not one of them but that’s neither here nor there…

And personally I prefer to be waxed because I prefer it when I’m on my period and prefer the aesthetic in skimpy undies. I’m unfortunately very hirsute otherwise! My husband doesn’t give a fuck what state my pubes are in.

This thread has gone off on rather a tangent 😂

Perhaps pornified would be better but hairlessness collocates with youth too. Men don't seem to want real women any more. And shaving causes problems: rashes, discomfort from hair growing back, esp if hair grows back into the follicle which can happen.

But anal sex is damaging to women. Tears in particular and damage to the sphincter causing incontinence. Enjoyed or not it is not a good idea.

But women still do it - lots of them. And enjoy it. Its inherent riskiness doesn’t mean it’s not reasonably mainstream.