New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

[Brooklans]

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

He’s not ‘shite in bed’. He’s a selfish prick, only interested in getting his rocks off before he’d even laid a finger on op. The story about coming too quickly was clearly bullshit or he’d have had a tactical wank before she arrived - or made sure she came before any penetration occurred. Coupled with the fact he made it clear he thought she was overreacting in his latest communications with her.
But I suppose there’s hope for him whilst there’s women like you, willing to put up with men like these selfish ways…

I had a great time in my 20s. I also had some self respect…

Well you are making big assumptions about what I'm willing to put up with.

But all i'm saying is, if there is any other connection apart from sex, it may, MAY, be worth seeing if she can train him up a bit. He has apologised hadn't he? Could have been worse. He could have been a total neanderthal with no interest in his partner's needs. At the end of the day there isn't any one solution is there? For me it depends what else is going on in the relationship. If nothing but sex probably too late to do anything about it now.

Whatever.

He didn’t have any interest in her needs? They’d been kissing merely seconds before he told her to suck him off. He apologised but then later insinuated she was overreacting. But yeah - it might be worth pursuing because he sounds like a prince…

The bar is through the floor when you’re excusing a shit sexual experience with ‘it could have been worse’…

OK you won. I'm completely wrong. Enjoy the rest of your day.

👍🏼

Have better standards for yourself.

They’ve been dating a month! Hardly random.

That said some of the best sex of my life was with random people.

Absolutely! And some of the worst sex I've had was also with random people. You live and learn .

Thanks for your concern. I'll try to cope. 😀

😂

Kiss, kiss, kiss ... Doritos and sauce nestling in groin ...
OP: Mmmm ...
Man: Suck me off and make me cum!
OP: No, go and have a wank.
Man transfers snacks to OP's lap, exits while unzipping fly.
OP, calling after him:
And wash your cock afterwards!
OP eats a couple of Doritos, shifts position, waits.
Minutes pass. Man returns.
Man: I thought you'd have your clothes off by now.
OP: I'm still waiting for foreplay.

It makes you tingle with desire, doesn't it? The anticipation, the excitement building almost unbearably, the delight in exploring one another's bodies, the increasing heat between you, the animal magnetism ...

... 😂

I'm with my fellow oldies here, thanking my lucky stars to have done my sexual activity in a time when most men were still really happy to be having sex with a live woman, involved with the fleshly process, not projecting some tawdry movie scene onto me and expecting me to play along.

There were a few of those - I walked out, too. Life is short and good lovers exist. Never had anyone bark an instruction like that, though! On second thoughts, I did - rapists. Not boyfriends, not one-nighters. His trying to tell you off after you explained is a bit rapey, too, I reckon. Prat.

Love it! I am also am oldie.

That would be a nope from me, your first sexual experience with him is supposed to be a blowjob, then you guys sit around, finish the movie, and then you get a ‘shot’ in round 2. Should have had a wank before you came over if that was genuinely his thought process to make things last longer, asking for that and having no intention of having a joint sexual experience as your first time together would guarantee there wouldn’t be a second time for me

Raise your bar.

Thanks for organising my life for me. Really helpful.

You’ve excused some fucking awful male behaviour by saying it’s merely ‘first time sexual encounter awkwardness’. You’ll be rightly pulled up on that.

Urgh that comment would have also completely put me off as well.

Ultimately I think you have done the right thing.
If you think that the relationship could have had legs and that he was actually a decent bloke who could have accepted a bit of brutal feedback, I would have told him how what he said was totally unacceptable.

at least he signalled what he’s like pretty early on so you can ditch him quickly…

What a weird point of view. She doesn't fancy him any more, so it's not about whether there's 'anything apart from sex' in the 'relationship' - they are only dating, she no longer finds him attractive, so they stop dating. That's it. There's nothing else to pursue in a situation like this.

I’m somewhat older but for a new to you experience with someone, to me it’s red flags.

The OH and I have been together 31 years. 10 years ago he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and for him, it was a very provoking moment. He didn’t want to lose his ability to come or derive pleasure and he talked about suicide should this be the case…. So that put me somewhat on the spot.

similar experience to you, give me oral so I can come.. immense pressure to see him pleased without any concern for me and that seems to have got lost.

so please be mindful his thoughts (at 33) are firstly for himself. It doesn’t get any better or more considerate as males age, if anything they become more singular in attitude. Mines 66 now.

don’t start off with compromise here. Because 12 months in, it will be expected regardless of your feelings and desire.

OP, any woman with half a brain and an ouce of respect for herself would have walked away from this porn watching man child.

It's cringing that he is 33 and so oblivious.

His behaviour was so crass, ham fisted, and juvenile, that god knows what else would soon emerge from someone with so little emotional intelligence and self awareness.

Respect for a man goes hand in hand with finding them attractive.
Respect for how they handle themselves and their intelligence.

Realising that his go to schtick sexually, is that of a fumbling 16 year old, would pour ice cold water on most women.

Don't doubt yourself for a minute.

I can imagine his thought process from a male perspective, but it is, quite honestly, a very immature thought process, and one that is entirely self-centred; no matter how much he may protest that it was for your ultimate benefit, it quite obviously wasn't. 😂

That's a you issue, if you don't understand that.
It doesn't always take repeated bad experiences to turn someone off doing something, sometimes just once is enough.

I like dominance in a man too, but respect for women is more important so for me they need to check first if it would be ok or else I would be turned off him.
So what if his ex liked it, a man who just assumes that if his ex liked it then he should do the same with all women clearly lacks emotional intelligence, because it is a well known fact that not all women do enjoy it.

It also doesn't even necessarily sound that 'dominant' even if you're into dominance,, the 'request' could be made in a dominant way or else in just an , entitled or icky way. Giving orders isn't always dominant.