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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

652 replies

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:19

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PithyTaupeWriter · 28/10/2025 22:33

OP doesn’t actually need a reason to have gone off this creepy guy. As it happens, she does have a pretty good reason, what he said and did was revolting. She is no longer attracted to him and that is enough reason to end it.

Hardhats · 28/10/2025 22:36

BauhausOfEliott · 28/10/2025 22:26

If you rarely have or seek sex, probably best not to keep contributing to threads about sex and sexual behaviour, because it would appear it’s not your area of expertise, and if the subject is traumatic for you, it’s probably unhelpful to keep arguing with women about it.

You are trying to tell women what sexual behaviour they should / shouldn’t be prepared to tolerate from men. Do not do that. Women do not owe men anything. If a man behaves in a way we don’t like, we do not owe them a second chance and we don’t have to spend our precious time trying to educate them.

We are allowed to move on and find a man who doesn’t need fixing. There are numerous men out there who don’t.

Show quote history

Exactly! Such bizarre, masochistic behaviour.

The internet is full of weirdos - why do people like this actively seek out content that apparently traumatises them? especially as the majority of people here clearly find his input of have zero value.

BauhausOfEliott · 28/10/2025 22:37

shuggles · 28/10/2025 22:21

@BauhausOfEliott Yes, I get all of that. I get that a sticky toffee pudding might be nice or unpleasant, given the context.

My point is that I didn't see how one bad experience with eating sticky toffee pudding with someone would make you never want to eat sticky toffee pudding with them ever again.

I explained very clearly why. The pudding isn’t the issue. Their inability to understand how meals are supposed to work or how to host and serve dinner is the problem. I don’t want to eat dinner with a grown adult who doesn’t know what a normal dinner is and has apparently never even tried to find out.

shuggles · 28/10/2025 22:38

@BauhausOfEliott If you rarely have or seek sex, probably best not to keep contributing to threads about sex and sexual behaviour, because it would appear it’s not your area of expertise, and if the subject is traumatic for you, it’s probably unhelpful to keep arguing with women about it.

Sex isn't a traumatic subject for me. I didn't say it was.

I said I have experienced trauma which means that I avoid sex and relationships. The trauma itself had nothing to do with sex and relationships.

Alpacajigsaw · 28/10/2025 22:38

Ew. Ick

Thatsalineallright · 28/10/2025 22:43

shuggles · 28/10/2025 21:24

@BauhausOfEliott What you shouldn’t do is just demand an orgasm from a woman you’ve only been kissing for 15 - 20 seconds. It’s presumptuous, for a start. You’ve also made absolutely no effort whatsoever to turn her on. And if you’re expecting to come before you even touch her, that’s a really boring evening for her unless you’re going to be ready to go again two minutes later. Which you’re not. Sex is about both people enjoying themselves together. Not one person making the other one come, after a 15 second snog.

I get all that- I am not suggesting that OP should have went along with it.

The bit I'm confused about is that this one request completely killed her attraction to this person to the point where she can't continue the relationship, especially in light of the fact that it was a request for an act that OP was eventually going to do anyway. I don't get how one question can completely kill an attraction to someone.

For starters, sexual attraction isn't just based on looks it's also based on personality. So it makes perfect sense that if someone reveals themselves to be selfish and possibly a bit sexist then you lose that attraction.

I think OP's comparison to giving/demanding money is a great one. I like being generous with friends and family when buying presents etc. But if they started demanding presents? I'd lose any interest in giving them anything.

Men and women often experience attraction differently, yes, but OP's specific situation isn't exactly rocket science. Make demands while offering nothing in return = get nothing. Give your partner pleasure = a good chance they'll do the same in return.

Thatsalineallright · 28/10/2025 22:45

shuggles · 28/10/2025 21:39

@TheBlueHotel it's probably beneficial for you to pay close attention to what women are saying about how their sexual attraction works.

That implies that men and women are different when it comes to sex and experience sexual attraction differently.

We definitely experience sexual attraction differently. Everyone knows that, I thought?

If you're actually interested, it's recommend the book 'Cone as You Are' by Emily Nagoski. She's done a lot of research on the topic.

SingingHedgehog · 28/10/2025 22:46

What is wrong with these men? They know how to turn a woman’s stomach!! I am so disappointed for you! It put me right off and I’ve never met him! That is such a turn off being asked to give oral sex!! So he doesn’t think he can last - his problem - yet you have to sort it out… sounds about right! I can see why women turn to women!!!

Happyjoe · 28/10/2025 22:47

Brooklans · 28/10/2025 20:46

I feel sorry for him too a bit. I didn’t want to end things but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m completely put off.

Show quote history

For the record, I think you've been decent in ending it. Kudos - if the spark has gone, it's gone! Too many people settle for less. I bet he'll be a lot more careful with the next woman he meets, so you've done a huge fav there too to other women! :-)

tellmesomethingtrue · 28/10/2025 22:51

He showed you who he is Take note. Yuck.

Jade3450 · 28/10/2025 22:55

I don’t understand those saying he should have had a wank beforehand?

In all my dating (and there’s been a lot!) the man has always gone down on me first. For first time sex that’s basic, isn’t it?

It’s this lack of understanding that makes it an ick for me. It shows he’s a bit crap at sex.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 28/10/2025 22:56

shuggles · 28/10/2025 22:07

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots I would probably go down on a woman the first time we had sex.

Sorry, "probably"? For me that's something I would always look to initiate during sex.

Because I wanted to. I would probably also be utterly put off by a woman saying "Right, we've kissed for an entire 3 seconds, now in order for the night to continue, eat me out until I squirt all over your face"

You're unique in that regard. You're kidding yourself if you don't think most men would be turned on by that.

Yeah I'm the unique one, rather than you just being a bellend.

SwingTheMonkey · 28/10/2025 23:02

shuggles · 28/10/2025 19:25

@Brooklans "I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex"

Are you incapable of of understanding that giving oral sex voluntarily is completely different to someone demanding it? Jesus the bar is low.

pollymere · 28/10/2025 23:04

You could have had really frantic sex (if you'd wanted to). Or he could just get his act together and think about basketball or cricket like a normal person.

My relationships have always developed to have oral for a while before having sex with someone. I think the biggest issue is how he asked you with a total lack of foreplay. It suggests he's totally oblivious to what you want from the relationship. I don't like being asked — I like to offer. I'd feel horribly uncomfortable with behaviour like this.

Horsie · 28/10/2025 23:04

You did the right thing. You don't want someone with such boorish bedroom manners. I've had guys pull similar stuff and it's like a bucket of cold water being thrown over you, isn't it.

You know what most men do in that situation, to make sure they last? They have a wank before you get there. They don't order you to service them when you're barely warmed up. Yuck.

YANBU. My vagina would have slammed shut.

I had a lover with beautiful bedroom manners and I would never go back now.

Anyway, see it as a win! You found out that he was completely rubbish in bed and a very selfish lover without actually having sex with him!

DisappearingGirl · 28/10/2025 23:04

While we were kissing and when he said that to me, he still had a sharers size bag of Doritos and a jar of Sour Cream and Chive dipping sauce on his crotch. In the mids of my disgust I remember looking down at them and thinking I’d have to remove the crisps and dip to get to his cock.

Sorry OP but this really made me laugh. I wouldn't have found it funny in the moment though. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to find this entirely unsexy.

Grammarnut · 28/10/2025 23:10

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:19

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

It would put most women off, I think. Oral sex is the product of passion not a transactional act as part of foreplay. Some women don't like it and won't do it, too, so asking is completely out of order. It's something that happens because the couple want it in the moment and is part of love-making and it needs passion.

SpaceRaccoon · 28/10/2025 23:16

I wouldn't do oral sex as part of a first sexual encounter. I've been married for a long time now so I can't put an exact timeframe on it but I'd probably have been a few weeks in and a bit more comfortable with physical intimacy with that person.

Hence a random demand for a side of sucky with his Doritos from someone whose penis I'd never even seen, would utterly repulse me.

iamnotalemon · 28/10/2025 23:17

Brooklans · 28/10/2025 19:16

So yesterday he texted me asking if I wanted to meet up after work on Wednesday. I didn’t reply at the time as I was posting on here and reading the responses, and trying to figure out what to say to him.

I did text him today, which basically in a nutshell read;
I think you’re a really nice guy, I really liked the time I spent with you. I know you’re regret saying what you said, and we all say daft things every now and again, but something in my head has just shifted ever since that moment. It’s a mental block I can’t push through and I can’t go back to how I felt about us before. I want to but I can’t make myself if it isn’t there. I’d be leading you on if I met you again tomorrow and I don’t want to do that.

He read the message and didn’t respond initially. Then he rung me. He admitted again he said something stupid, but said he thinks I’m “blowing it (why did he have to use those choice of words 😂) out of proportion”. He seemed quite put out and frustrated.

I told him, again, that I can’t help how I feel. It’s almost not a choice. And I don’t want to fake anything or lead him on.

If I being completely honest, and it sounds a bit harsh, but I’ve lost a lot of respect for him as a man since he said it. I think because, as a previously poster has mentioned, it sounds like something a teenager would say. It just didn’t feel manly or sexy. I didn’t say any of this to him, I didn’t want to rub salt in the wound.

I don’t think he’s a bad person. Unfortunately I think a lot of men these days are totally oblivious to how such things can make a woman feel. He’s probably wondering what the big deal is. But still, that’s not a good enough excuse for me to continue this. There’s nothing in me what so ever that has any desire to sleep with him now.

Show quote history

I also think the fact that he is telling you you are blowing it out of proportion says a lot about him and his emotional capacity and what he might be like in other areas too. So you probably dodged a bullet. Will certainly (hopefully) make him think twice before he says it again.

SwingTheMonkey · 28/10/2025 23:23

iamnotalemon · 28/10/2025 23:17

I also think the fact that he is telling you you are blowing it out of proportion says a lot about him and his emotional capacity and what he might be like in other areas too. So you probably dodged a bullet. Will certainly (hopefully) make him think twice before he says it again.

Show quote history

Absolutely. His initial apology was an empty one because he does, in fact, think op is overreacting.

Italiangreyhound · 28/10/2025 23:24

Brooklans

I think you ahve done the right thing. He said something you didn't like at all, it has affected how you feel about him, and you cannot fake how you feel.

Well done for being strong and doing what you wanted to do.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/10/2025 23:26

shuggles · 28/10/2025 22:21

@BauhausOfEliott Yes, I get all of that. I get that a sticky toffee pudding might be nice or unpleasant, given the context.

My point is that I didn't see how one bad experience with eating sticky toffee pudding with someone would make you never want to eat sticky toffee pudding with them ever again.

Because his behaviour was "ick" inducing, and once a woman develops "the ICK", which can literally happen in a flash, that's it, there's no going back from that.

Think of "the ick", being something that would make a woman's vagina slam shut, never to be opened by that man ever again!

Woman are very different from men when it comes to attraction.

MsSmartShoes · 28/10/2025 23:29

No man has ever said that to me like that. It’s not romantic, it’s not sexy, it’s just grim,

IstillloveKingThistle · 28/10/2025 23:38

Not read through the entire thread but count yourself lucky that you never slept with him.

you dodged a bullet right there.

IstillloveKingThistle · 28/10/2025 23:38

Not read through the entire thread but count yourself lucky that you never slept with him.

you dodged a bullet right there.

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