Page 14 | New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

Brooklans · 2025-10-27T14:19:07+00:00

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly. Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early. We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said ”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant) It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional. After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood” He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part). It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before. AIBU?

notthisagain2025 · 28/10/2025 22:00

Bin him.

BauhausOfEliott · 28/10/2025 22:03

shuggles · 28/10/2025 21:20

@BauhausOfEliott Strong incel vibes.

I think you should check what that word means.

Is your own celibacy voluntary, then? Are you fending off advances from women right, left and centre?

In any case, I didn’t say you were an incel. I said you give incel vibes - which you do, and have done on many threads for a long time. If you’re not incel, you certainly talk like one and have a lot in common with them.

Dawnintheageofaquariams · 28/10/2025 22:03

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 18:56

The whole scenario was unsexy to be honest.

While we were kissing and when he said that to me, he still had a sharers size bag of Doritos and a jar of Sour Cream and Chive dipping sauce on his crotch. In the mids of my disgust I remember looking down at them and thinking I’d have to remove the crisps and dip to get to his cock.
It was all just a bit grim.

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Doritos and dip? Why would you even think about cock?

Zodiacrobat · 28/10/2025 22:07

MrsWhites · 28/10/2025 19:41

So what if she was, she’s entitled to change her mind for whatever reason she wants to!

Just because she was going to do it anyway doesn’t mean he can demand it first because he’s worried he won’t be able to keep it up!

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Exactly.

@shugglesseems to be on the same level of emotional maturity as the bloke in the OP …..

shuggles · 28/10/2025 22:07

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots I would probably go down on a woman the first time we had sex.

Sorry, "probably"? For me that's something I would always look to initiate during sex.

Because I wanted to. I would probably also be utterly put off by a woman saying "Right, we've kissed for an entire 3 seconds, now in order for the night to continue, eat me out until I squirt all over your face"

You're unique in that regard. You're kidding yourself if you don't think most men would be turned on by that.

Dawnintheageofaquariams · 28/10/2025 22:09

Zodiacrobat · 28/10/2025 22:07

Exactly.

@shugglesseems to be on the same level of emotional maturity as the bloke in the OP …..

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@shuggles finishing into a sock and wondering why it isn't making him a coffee afterwards...

SwingTheMonkey · 28/10/2025 22:10

Ruby1985 · 27/10/2025 14:45

Maybe don’t sleep with randoms and people you aren’t in a relationship with! This may be a good life lesson moving forward

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Ah, yes because waiting to have sex with this person would have made allll the difference to his disgusting misogynistic behaviour.

Zodiacrobat · 28/10/2025 22:10

BauhausOfEliott · 28/10/2025 21:01

@BrooklansThis ‘Shuggles’ bloke often pops up on threads where he claims not to understand very obvious social / relationship norms.

He’s also mentioned before, I think, that he’s never had a proper relationship.

I suspect these things are connected.

Strong incel vibes.

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Ah, right. Will just ignore him from now on then.

shuggles · 28/10/2025 22:12

@BauhausOfEliott Is your own celibacy voluntary, then?

Without going into too much depth, I rarely have sex, and I rarely seek to do so, due to medical issues and previous trauma.

Are you fending off advances from women right, left and centre?

Well no, why do you think I would have lots of advances from women?

In any case, I didn’t say you were an incel. I said you give incel vibes - which you do, and have done on many threads for a long time. If you’re not incel, you certainly talk like one and have a lot in common with them.

I'm not sure where you have picked that up from.

Although not specifically part of the definition of 'incel', I think it's reasonable to say that one of the most prominent and defining traits of incel men is that they blame women for not being able to have sex. This is not the case for me.

Rewis · 28/10/2025 22:13

SwingTheMonkey · 28/10/2025 22:10

Ah, yes because waiting to have sex with this person would have made allll the difference to his disgusting misogynistic behaviour.

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If anything she should have do it sooner so this would have come up weeks ago!

TheBlueHotel · 28/10/2025 22:13

shuggles · 28/10/2025 22:07

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots I would probably go down on a woman the first time we had sex.

Sorry, "probably"? For me that's something I would always look to initiate during sex.

Because I wanted to. I would probably also be utterly put off by a woman saying "Right, we've kissed for an entire 3 seconds, now in order for the night to continue, eat me out until I squirt all over your face"

You're unique in that regard. You're kidding yourself if you don't think most men would be turned on by that.

How can you write that and at the same time ask in all seriousness whether I think men and women experience sexual attraction differently?!

Zodiacrobat · 28/10/2025 22:14

shuggles · 28/10/2025 21:39

@TheBlueHotel it's probably beneficial for you to pay close attention to what women are saying about how their sexual attraction works.

That implies that men and women are different when it comes to sex and experience sexual attraction differently.

Duh. No, really?

ok ok I said I would ignore him but this is just too stupid to let pass.

Original poster

Brooklans · 28/10/2025 22:14

TheBlueHotel · 28/10/2025 22:13

How can you write that and at the same time ask in all seriousness whether I think men and women experience sexual attraction differently?!

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Exactly.

OP posts:

Pawridge · 28/10/2025 22:17

I know this isn't quite the point but I really hate the way so many men kiss for a few seconds and then want to get straight into it. One of the things I really miss from being a teenager, when we were all having our first times, is how much more drawn out and exciting it was. Such a long time spent kissing, then just touching and teasing and rubbing. Dry humping! I know it's an awful, cringy word but how fun was that?

You can never get that newness and romance back once it's gone. There are a lot of amazing things about getting to a point where completely comfortable with someone, but why rush the first bit? It's so fun and exciting. I'm no prude either, but the first time I have sex with someone, I want movie-sex. I want to undress each other and romantically look into each other's eyes and kiss all the way to the bed. I do not want to be commanded to give oral sex by a man half way through his doritos and dip so that he can "have a break" before going again.

It's all just a bit grim.

BauhausOfEliott · 28/10/2025 22:18

shuggles · 28/10/2025 21:24

@BauhausOfEliott What you shouldn’t do is just demand an orgasm from a woman you’ve only been kissing for 15 - 20 seconds. It’s presumptuous, for a start. You’ve also made absolutely no effort whatsoever to turn her on. And if you’re expecting to come before you even touch her, that’s a really boring evening for her unless you’re going to be ready to go again two minutes later. Which you’re not. Sex is about both people enjoying themselves together. Not one person making the other one come, after a 15 second snog.

I get all that- I am not suggesting that OP should have went along with it.

The bit I'm confused about is that this one request completely killed her attraction to this person to the point where she can't continue the relationship, especially in light of the fact that it was a request for an act that OP was eventually going to do anyway. I don't get how one question can completely kill an attraction to someone.

It would kill the attraction for me because it would make it abundantly clear that the man in question was absolutely terrible at sex and had zero ability to read a room.

Look, I’m a big fan of desserts. If I go to a friend’s house for dinner, I’m probably silently thinking “Ooh, I hope there’ll be a nice dessert. I’ll try and leave room for some at the end of the night”.

If, however - within seconds of taking my coat off and before we’d even sat down at the table, let alone opened a bottle of wine - the host said “Eat this sticky toffee pudding immediately, I want to get that over with and then we might have the starter and main later, assuming I’m not too full” I’d think they were utterly insane, knew fuck-all about food or appetite; had no manners and were a bit thick. And I would not ever want to go to their house for dinner again because they were clearly not someone who I would enjoy eating with.

The same principle applies here. It isn’t the request. It’s the fact that it was made in a way that reveals the person who made it was a clueless idiot who has about as much sexual understanding as an 11-year-old who has typed the word ‘boobies’ into Google.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 28/10/2025 22:19

Who said romance was dead 🤦‍♀️

shuggles · 28/10/2025 22:21

@BauhausOfEliott Yes, I get all of that. I get that a sticky toffee pudding might be nice or unpleasant, given the context.

My point is that I didn't see how one bad experience with eating sticky toffee pudding with someone would make you never want to eat sticky toffee pudding with them ever again.

ChattyGeePeaTea · 28/10/2025 22:21

Brooklans · 28/10/2025 21:44

Do you always look at things so black and white in life?

Let me condescendingly break it down;
If you were planning to eventually gift me a sum of money, but before the right timing of that offer came around, I ordered you to give me money, in a way that was both abrupt and entitled, and a bit demeaning to you. Would you still want to gift me the money? Even if you did, would that incident make you look at me differently, or question my character, or my general attitude to you and money in general.
If you say no to any of the above, you’re a poor judge of character.

On top of that you’ll never understand how such things can feel demeaning to women, as men don’t have the same sense of shame inflicted on them regarding sex from society.
Having a man you’ve never slept with abruptly tell you to suck his dick and swallow his cum, in a situation where there you’re not being sexual, can have a lasting effect on how you view him as a man, and effect your comfort levels around him. It’s also very telling of how he views you as a woman.

Dating is still a trial period, and instances like this can absolutely make or break the situation.

You might not understand this, but it won’t kill you to at least try.

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Oh gods I see someone said Shuggles three times in the mirror🙄

@Brooklans it works equally with the "cup of tea and consent" analogy if you're familiar with that one - if you were considering making someone a cup of tea, had invited them round with the hope that you'd have some tea together, and then they got to yours, snapped their fingers and ordered you to make a cup of tea, you'd probably tell them to make their own fucking tea and you wouldn't be getting the chocolate bourbons out either.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 28/10/2025 22:22

dairydebris · 27/10/2025 14:24

This would be unrescueable for me too. What an idiot.

I think this sort of behaviour is now fairly common place amongst men due to Internet Porn.

They.just see women as sex objects..They cannot really connect on an emotional level and treat sex as to their right. Very entitled.

Sounds like a real.knobhead.

pestowithwalnuts · 28/10/2025 22:22

Urgh..
What a mood killer..

ChaliceinWonderland · 28/10/2025 22:25

pinkdelight · 27/10/2025 14:37

He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs

What a genius caring gentleman! Thinking about your needs and articulating it so beautifully - 'Suck me off and make me cum first." The stuff of poetry!

Christ almighty, YANBU at all. Good in a way that you found out so unequivocally what an unattractive partner he'd make. Run and never look back.

Yea this.

Original poster

Brooklans · 28/10/2025 22:26

Pawridge · 28/10/2025 22:17

I know this isn't quite the point but I really hate the way so many men kiss for a few seconds and then want to get straight into it. One of the things I really miss from being a teenager, when we were all having our first times, is how much more drawn out and exciting it was. Such a long time spent kissing, then just touching and teasing and rubbing. Dry humping! I know it's an awful, cringy word but how fun was that?

You can never get that newness and romance back once it's gone. There are a lot of amazing things about getting to a point where completely comfortable with someone, but why rush the first bit? It's so fun and exciting. I'm no prude either, but the first time I have sex with someone, I want movie-sex. I want to undress each other and romantically look into each other's eyes and kiss all the way to the bed. I do not want to be commanded to give oral sex by a man half way through his doritos and dip so that he can "have a break" before going again.

It's all just a bit grim.

I completely agree with you.

They kill the fun and excitement by becoming too familiar too soon.

OP posts:

BauhausOfEliott · 28/10/2025 22:26

shuggles · 28/10/2025 22:12

@BauhausOfEliott Is your own celibacy voluntary, then?

Without going into too much depth, I rarely have sex, and I rarely seek to do so, due to medical issues and previous trauma.

Are you fending off advances from women right, left and centre?

Well no, why do you think I would have lots of advances from women?

In any case, I didn’t say you were an incel. I said you give incel vibes - which you do, and have done on many threads for a long time. If you’re not incel, you certainly talk like one and have a lot in common with them.

I'm not sure where you have picked that up from.

Although not specifically part of the definition of 'incel', I think it's reasonable to say that one of the most prominent and defining traits of incel men is that they blame women for not being able to have sex. This is not the case for me.

If you rarely have or seek sex, probably best not to keep contributing to threads about sex and sexual behaviour, because it would appear it’s not your area of expertise, and if the subject is traumatic for you, it’s probably unhelpful to keep arguing with women about it.

You are trying to tell women what sexual behaviour they should / shouldn’t be prepared to tolerate from men. Do not do that. Women do not owe men anything. If a man behaves in a way we don’t like, we do not owe them a second chance and we don’t have to spend our precious time trying to educate them.

We are allowed to move on and find a man who doesn’t need fixing. There are numerous men out there who don’t.

TheBlueHotel · 28/10/2025 22:30

shuggles · 28/10/2025 22:21

@BauhausOfEliott Yes, I get all of that. I get that a sticky toffee pudding might be nice or unpleasant, given the context.

My point is that I didn't see how one bad experience with eating sticky toffee pudding with someone would make you never want to eat sticky toffee pudding with them ever again.

I don't think you really need to understand do you? Just accept it. Women on the whole are different to men on the whole. You can accept that and do your best to learn or you can remain bewildered. Up to you.

Original poster

Brooklans · 28/10/2025 22:30

ChattyGeePeaTea · 28/10/2025 22:21

Oh gods I see someone said Shuggles three times in the mirror🙄

@Brooklans it works equally with the "cup of tea and consent" analogy if you're familiar with that one - if you were considering making someone a cup of tea, had invited them round with the hope that you'd have some tea together, and then they got to yours, snapped their fingers and ordered you to make a cup of tea, you'd probably tell them to make their own fucking tea and you wouldn't be getting the chocolate bourbons out either.

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you wouldn't be getting the chocolate bourbons out either.

I feel this analogy goes perfectly given the context of sex, wish I’d used it 😂

OP posts: