New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

[Brooklans]

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

So what if she was? Don’t you get that she didn’t like the way he ordered her to do it? It’s been explained very clearly.

Op, I think you did the right thing by backing out of meeting him again this week - and well done to you for having the presence of mind to say no in the moment.

Aside from it being grim as pp have said it’s the fact that he was trying to be deceptive afterwards that would irk me too. By claiming he was wanting that for your benefit and he was really thinking of you. Talk about insulting your intelligence!

I kind of feel sorry for him, he was probably really worried about not lasting very long so thought this was a way to solve it. He probably should have just talked to you before hand about his worries and maybe he could have had a wank before you came over. He messed up but I don’t think it’s a dumpable crime. Better communication is needed.

I feel sorry for him too a bit. I didn’t want to end things but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m completely put off.

It's a dumpable crime because she no longer fancies him. That's all the reason she needs!

He sounds incredibly selfish!
The 1st time you're about to get intimate and that's how he behaves?!
At least he's shown you who is is.
Bin him, cut your losses x

No one suggested otherwise.

@Byemn So what if she was? Don’t you get that she didn’t like the way he ordered her to do it? It’s been explained very clearly.

So it comes down to the fact that it was an instruction?

That would be understandable... but then again, I can imagine that there would be someone claiming they got the "ick" (whatever that means) if someone politely asked "can you suck my penis please?"

@BrooklansThis ‘Shuggles’ bloke often pops up on threads where he claims not to understand very obvious social / relationship norms.

He’s also mentioned before, I think, that he’s never had a proper relationship.

I suspect these things are connected.

Strong incel vibes.

Goodness this the type of thing I’d expect a 17 year old to say too.
33!

He messed up but I don’t think it’s a dumpable crime

She's gone off him though, so dumping is the only option.

I do feel a bit sorry for men as the pressure to perform and to last must be quite high and perhaps he got ahead of himself and blurted out without thinking. If you think there is still potential for anything more, I'd give him another chance.

Makes sense.

@shuggles given the fact that you’re the only poster in this entire thread who can’t fathom the issue, and you’re a man on an internet forum designed for women with children, I don’t expect you to understand. And you don’t have to. By all means, please stay confused.

What a loser he is

Here’s a tip for you, strange man.

It’s perfectly fine to talk about what you might want in bed… once things have got to a point where you’re actually naked and getting into it. It also helps if it’s an established sexual relationship rather than the first encounter.

What you shouldn’t do is just demand an orgasm from a woman you’ve only been kissing for 15 - 20 seconds. It’s presumptuous, for a start. You’ve also made absolutely no effort whatsoever to turn her on. And if you’re expecting to come before you even touch her, that’s a really boring evening for her unless you’re going to be ready to go again two minutes later. Which you’re not.

Sex is about both people enjoying themselves together. Not one person making the other one come, after a 15 second snog.

@BauhausOfEliott Strong incel vibes.

I think you should check what that word means.

@BauhausOfEliott What you shouldn’t do is just demand an orgasm from a woman you’ve only been kissing for 15 - 20 seconds. It’s presumptuous, for a start. You’ve also made absolutely no effort whatsoever to turn her on. And if you’re expecting to come before you even touch her, that’s a really boring evening for her unless you’re going to be ready to go again two minutes later. Which you’re not. Sex is about both people enjoying themselves together. Not one person making the other one come, after a 15 second snog.

I get all that- I am not suggesting that OP should have went along with it.

The bit I'm confused about is that this one request completely killed her attraction to this person to the point where she can't continue the relationship, especially in light of the fact that it was a request for an act that OP was eventually going to do anyway. I don't get how one question can completely kill an attraction to someone.

That may be because you're a man? And if you're a man who is hoping to have sexual relationships with women it's probably beneficial for you to pay close attention to what women are saying about how their sexual attraction works.

@TheBlueHotel it's probably beneficial for you to pay close attention to what women are saying about how their sexual attraction works.

That implies that men and women are different when it comes to sex and experience sexual attraction differently.

😆😆😆😆😆😆
well...yes!

Do you always look at things so black and white in life?

Let me condescendingly break it down;
If you were planning to eventually gift me a sum of money, but before the right timing of that offer came around, I ordered you to give me money, in a way that was both abrupt and entitled, and a bit demeaning to you. Would you still want to gift me the money? Even if you did, would that incident make you look at me differently, or question my character, or my general attitude to you and money in general.
If you say no to any of the above, you’re a poor judge of character.

On top of that you’ll never understand how such things can feel demeaning to women, as men don’t have the same sense of shame inflicted on them regarding sex from society.
Having a man you’ve never slept with abruptly tell you to suck his dick and swallow his cum, in a situation where there you’re not being sexual, can have a lasting effect on how you view him as a man, and effect your comfort levels around him. It’s also very telling of how he views you as a woman.

Dating is still a trial period, and instances like this can absolutely make or break the situation.

You might not understand this, but it won’t kill you to at least try.

Sounds like you're starting to get it 🤣

“Implies”.. Jesus.

I've now got Jay from the Inbetweeners in my mind.

Really?

I'm assuming you're male. I am too.

I would probably go down on a woman the first time we had sex. Because I wanted to. I would probably also be utterly put off by a woman saying "Right, we've kissed for an entire 3 seconds, now in order for the night to continue, eat me out until I squirt all over your face"

Are you seriously implying you'd be perfectly happy with that?

JFC

Are you always this dense?