New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

[Brooklans]

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

This is exactly what I’ve thought about dating app profiles!

Anyone who gives either a list of what they want in a partner or worse a list of instructions (or indeed any instructions) gets a left swipe.

Even more so if they’re trying to get your to circumvent the safety features of online dates, such as messaging in the app first of all.

Its kinda funny to me this thread because I have to encourage my bloke to talk like that, order me about, because Im into it. He wants to but he feels disrespectful. Which is kinda cute, but kinda infuriating.
We all love different things...i don't think hes done anything wrong. talk to him OP

Ew I got the ick just reading this, he clearly wasn’t thinking about your needs! 🚩

So yesterday he texted me asking if I wanted to meet up after work on Wednesday. I didn’t reply at the time as I was posting on here and reading the responses, and trying to figure out what to say to him.

I did text him today, which basically in a nutshell read;
I think you’re a really nice guy, I really liked the time I spent with you. I know you’re regret saying what you said, and we all say daft things every now and again, but something in my head has just shifted ever since that moment. It’s a mental block I can’t push through and I can’t go back to how I felt about us before. I want to but I can’t make myself if it isn’t there. I’d be leading you on if I met you again tomorrow and I don’t want to do that.

He read the message and didn’t respond initially. Then he rung me. He admitted again he said something stupid, but said he thinks I’m “blowing it (why did he have to use those choice of words 😂) out of proportion”. He seemed quite put out and frustrated.

I told him, again, that I can’t help how I feel. It’s almost not a choice. And I don’t want to fake anything or lead him on.

If I being completely honest, and it sounds a bit harsh, but I’ve lost a lot of respect for him as a man since he said it. I think because, as a previously poster has mentioned, it sounds like something a teenager would say. It just didn’t feel manly or sexy. I didn’t say any of this to him, I didn’t want to rub salt in the wound.

I don’t think he’s a bad person. Unfortunately I think a lot of men these days are totally oblivious to how such things can make a woman feel. He’s probably wondering what the big deal is. But still, that’s not a good enough excuse for me to continue this. There’s nothing in me what so ever that has any desire to sleep with him now.

Yeah, you’re missing the point entirely.

It gives me the ick. It screams wank aid....cba to do it himself and wants to sit there like lord shit getting all the pleasure.

His response is very immature. If he was at least apologetic and owned it then maybe I could see trying. But instead he blamed you for blowing it out of proportion 🙄 It is probably a good thing you figured it out now. Best to throw this one back in the pond.

@Brooklans I think you’re a really nice guy, I really liked the time I spent with you. I know you’re regret saying what you said, and we all say daft things every now and again, but something in my head has just shifted ever since that moment. It’s a mental block I can’t push through and I can’t go back to how I felt about us before. I want to but I can’t make myself if it isn’t there. I’d be leading you on if I met you again tomorrow and I don’t want to do that.

... You were going to do it anyway...

Do what?

@Brooklans "I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex"

Yeah, you’re also missing the point too. I’ve only explained it 57 times on here.

Nevermind.

Well done @Brooklans .

You've done the right thing, and you've done it clearly and succinctly.

He fucked up, and you've explained to him exactly why and what he's done. Some people might have been able to move past his fuck up, but you can't, and that's a perfectly valid decision to make.

At the end of the day, the only people's opinions who matter in this situation are yours and his. Once one goes "Nope", it's done. You went "Nope", at the end of the day, the reasons aren't important.

He wanted to come and had zero interest in your pleasure.

He's got no game at all. I don't blame you for writing him off. Eww.

Not after he gave her the ick with his stupid comment!

Bravo OP. His response and lack of ownership for his own mistake shows you made the right choice.

So what if she was, she’s entitled to change her mind for whatever reason she wants to!

Just because she was going to do it anyway doesn’t mean he can demand it first because he’s worried he won’t be able to keep it up!

What a charmer.

all about him.

If had taken your text better, I would have taken the time to explain why it was off putting. But if he thinks you’re being a bit precious, I wouldn’t waste the time.

Life is too short to train someone to be emotionally understanding .

Gross

well done for walking out

He’s a cheeky bastard

Surely sex is meant to be pleasurable for both parties. It would have been nice to come together or at least try to on the first encounter. If he came first he could find another way to pleasure you.

Sucking off until he comes is a bit of a chore for you isnt it! Who expects that straight away?

a gentleman would have had a wank before you arrived

@shuggles people can withdraw consent, it’s quite predatory of you to suggest otherwise.

a gentleman would have had a wank before you arrived

Never thought I’d agree with such a statement but in these circumstances you’re right 😂

I reckon he’s probably told his mates what happened and they gave him a joking telling off and made him think you’re still keen. So he was thinking all he needs to do is grovel then he’s got you in bed again. Hence why he got arsey when you wouldn’t budge.

Wow he really misjudged that one.

I’ve dated recently and never had a man try to do that me and no, I don’t state that up front.

However, I can see why some women do that as a precautionary measure - really though morally and possibly legally the onus is on men to check consent for that kind of thing.