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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy put me off right before we had sex for the first time

652 replies

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:19

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 27/10/2025 20:12

Yuck.

Illegally18 · 27/10/2025 20:16

RosieTheHat · 27/10/2025 15:45

Seriously?

Firstly - Not a random - did you actually read OP's initial post.
Secondly - Are you the shagging police or something?

Show quote history

LOL !😂 The shagging police !!!!!

Missj25 · 27/10/2025 20:20

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:33

Ha ha poor bastard

That made me laugh 😆

I don’t know what I’m going to do now, it only happened yesterday. We’re both off work today so we were planning on me staying over and having a cosy night in, but I left yesterday as I just felt awkward after that encounter.

I guess I just wanted other women’s opinions on the matter first before to see if they’d feel the same way, before I make a decision. I didn’t know if I was being a prude.

Show quote history

You’re not being a prude , you’re entitled to feel whatever way you feel ..
If it was me & first time , tbh I wouldn’t have liked it either , as though I was a call girl ..
Like you say different thing altogether if ye were together for a while , could be a sexy turn on then ..
All that said , what’s he like aside from that ?
You say you guys are together 7 months, maybe he thought he was being Sexy & domineering & you’d love him taking charge ??
Do you like him enough to sit down & have a conversation..
You’re both adults afterall …

Illegally18 · 27/10/2025 20:23

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 27/10/2025 19:01

It’s not what a girl hopes to hear. Imagine a nice old, romantic black and white film, soft focus on Gregory Peck and he utters those words.

Edited

Cripes, I'm imagining Gregory Peck saying that to Audrey Hepburn in 'Roman Holiday'!

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 27/10/2025 20:23

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 15:13

Yes I did credit him for apologising rather than acting like I was overreacting, or a prude (which I think a lot of men in this generation would do, unfortunately).

If I could flick a switch to make me go back to how I felt prior to that, I would, for the reason I wrote above. But it feels like a mental block I can’t break through now. The thought of having sex with him now makes me want to squirm. I guess it’s dead in the water isn’t it.

Show quote history

Yes, it is dead in the water. But, to look at this positively, at least you found out before you had sex that he was a dud.

You'll find the right guy for you and when you do, there will be no creepy, crawly ick to deal with.

Fiftyandme · 27/10/2025 20:26

Immediate ick

cherrygarnish · 27/10/2025 20:27

Ewww that would have made me drier than the Sahara.

What a knob.

WrylyAmused · 27/10/2025 20:27

A decent lover who knew he had a problem with not lasting, would use his mouth and fingers to get you off first and so you (hopefully) wouldn't mind so much when it came to the actual penetration part.

And then would talk to you about it like an adult after he'd "proved himself" the first time.

Suck me off first = crass, selfish, boring & unimaginative in bed
#how to say you're a shit lover...

ladyrushford · 27/10/2025 20:33

Grim. Some men are not lonely enough 🤢

Think you know it’s time to throw the man away, OP. Well done though for standing your ground and knowing your worth. You’ll find someone much worthier.

cherrygarnish · 27/10/2025 20:36

Choking is a massive red flag. This is one of those things that's very asymmetrical, and I don't think a lot of women understand that just because they're an ok person who happens to like or not mind being choked, doesn't mean that the man's an ok guy too

Also, people need to know that studies have shown and are showing that women who are choked regularly during sex have higher levels of S100B which is a brain damage marker putting you more at risk of brain bleeds, brain damage and strokes (and potentially dementia in later life). This has nothing to do with being a prude and everything to do with damaging yourself.

User5306921 · 27/10/2025 20:43

Porn addict.

Dump.

ForeverHopeful3 · 27/10/2025 20:48

Ew. Ick. Gross.

This is why I am not sleeping with any more men until I am married.

I too have been single and no sex for about 6 months now, since last major relationship ended, and the no sex boundary has really helped me steer clear of trouble, even when I thought the guy was great after "such-n-such" time.

I know its not every woman's cup of tea and even though I am very horny sometimes lol, I'd rather use a toy to help me get over the momentary horniness vs. another clown entering my life.

chaosmaker · 27/10/2025 20:50

I don't get why quick and passionate is so wrong. I quite like the quick finish. Sometimes get bored if it goes on for too long. I think men have it in their head that they must go on and on and on and on and on. This is not the case for all of us to enjoy it.

chaosmaker · 27/10/2025 20:53

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:33

Ha ha poor bastard

That made me laugh 😆

I don’t know what I’m going to do now, it only happened yesterday. We’re both off work today so we were planning on me staying over and having a cosy night in, but I left yesterday as I just felt awkward after that encounter.

I guess I just wanted other women’s opinions on the matter first before to see if they’d feel the same way, before I make a decision. I didn’t know if I was being a prude.

Show quote history

Isn't 'prude' just a stick to hit women with? It doesn't matter what a million other women think. Only you know how you feel about these things. It didn't sound great to me - that's my opinion and I'd probably chuck him back and cast about for a better one.

MeetMyCat · 27/10/2025 21:00

Rewis · 27/10/2025 19:17

Isn't it a well known thing that men have a wank before a date so they will last longer? Is he young enough to actually be able to get it up again after a bj?

I also don't think sex requires a big conversation beforehand. He miscalculated and it gave you an ick. I would as well. However, if he now brought it up and 'explained himself' i might be able to move on. But if this is up in the air, then nope. He sounds like he is bad and selfish lover.

Edited

I have definitely heard of some pre-date “preparation”, but it’s usually done discretely and it’s a solo effort.

And I’ve never had a sex conversation beforehand either, should it entail a questionnaire?!

MyballsareSandy2015 · 27/10/2025 21:07

Christ alive … I’m so glad my dating days were in the 80s 😳. I do worry for my young adult DDs though 😟

DonnyBurrito · 27/10/2025 21:15

Lol. I can absolutely guarantee he would be shit in bed. Bullet dodged.

Frugalgal · 27/10/2025 21:28

Brooklans · 27/10/2025 14:19

Just wondering if this would put anyone else off or if I’m being a bit silly.

Background info: I’ve been single for 7 months. Had a few dates here and there, but not slept with anyone since breaking up with ex-dp, as I didn’t like anyone enough to do so. I have been seeing this guy for a month now, and we were about to have sex for the first time over the weekend, but I got put off and left early.

We were at his house, first time I’d been over there. Sat on the sofa watching tv, we were hugging and began kissing. It had been no longer than 15-20 seconds into kissing, our clothes were still on, no foreplay or heavy petting, when he said
”Suck me off and make me cum first” (before we have sex, he meant)

It was just so premature and abrupt, it turned me off. It didn’t feel natural in anyway. I was planning on eventually giving him oral sex, but the fact that he ‘ordered’ me to do it quickly, while we still had our clothes on, sat on his sofa, it felt so transactional.

After he said it, my face must have showed some disgust or disappointment. I sat there and he asked me what was wrong, I said “You’ve ruined the mood”

He apologised, he said his reason for saying that was because he was worried he’d cum quickly. He thought if I’d given him oral sex first, we could have a break then have sex later, and he’d last longer, and that he was actually thinking about my needs (not entirely convinced on the last part).

It’s killed my attraction to him now I think, I’m not sure how to get back to the place I was at before.

AIBU?

Eeeuuww no! ick!

Charlize43 · 27/10/2025 21:37

A more experienced woman would have shut him up by taking her knickers off and sitting on his face...then switching on the TV and watching a three part drama... just saying.

wordler · 27/10/2025 21:37

First potential night with a new partner. You can hope and anticipate that it's going to end in sex but you shouldn't assume. And if it seems to be heading that direction the first words out of his mouth should have been along the lines of "what do you like? what can I do for you? etc etc"

BartonInthebeans · 27/10/2025 22:08

Reading threads recently, I keep thinking we need a "Throw this one back. Next!!" button

KeenAzureGuide · 27/10/2025 22:42

You’re not being silly at all. That would’ve totally put me off too. The first time should feel mutual and natural, not like he’s giving you an order. Even if his reason was about lasting longer, the way he said it was just… icky and abrupt. You did the right thing stopping when it didn’t feel right. Once someone kills the vibe like that, it’s hard to come back from it — trust your gut

BlingersMcBling · 27/10/2025 22:51

If that’s genuinely the case for him and he’s got an issue with it, he’s gone about it in totally the wrong way and that’s on him so I think you 100% did the right thing.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 28/10/2025 00:29

What in the Inbetweeners was he thinking ? 😖 Also, some of these hilarious comments have made me remember why I love MN.

Crushed23 · 28/10/2025 01:50

Charlize43 · 27/10/2025 21:37

A more experienced woman would have shut him up by taking her knickers off and sitting on his face...then switching on the TV and watching a three part drama... just saying.

Hahaha.

I have to say, this thread shows there’s no accounting for taste. I actually like phrases like “suck me off”, and other such filth. Admittedly I prefer them in the context of an established sexual relationship than bandied about willy nilly in early dating. But still. Dirty talk that’s a bit cringe can be fun in an intimate relationship - it doesn’t have to be erotic poetry to turn you on. 🙃