Is my husband and close family right about her?

[Dolphindances]

Bit of background - this friend and I are both late thirties, I got married last year (met by lots of comments about my engagement ring and new marital home being OTT by her which I let go - they are not BTW three bed and a classic round cut 2c diamond but an upgrade from my 1 bedroom flat 🤣). She has been in a LTR for about 10 years with a guy, she is keen to settle down and he moves to various countries for work which she follows. She is keen to get married and have 3 children. We have know each other since mid 20’s. Now we are 39.

After a few years of trying - 2 miscarriages this year and a referral for IVF I somehow by a miracle fell pregnant this summer. I am due in Spring time which correlates with a friends wedding in Italy which I likely will not be able to attend due to my gravid / potentially post partum state. Upon receipt of my pregnancy news the above friend, mentioned how my timing and planning was poor for the pregnancy due to the upcoming nuptials, rolling her eyes and even messaged to check if ‘I have told her yet’ several times, as the bride will be disappointed in me and she is keen for her reaction. I was so upset I messaged the bride to be and she is just delighted I am pregnant and happy for us to be in attendance at her local wedding instead in due course.

my husband and sisters want me to leave this friendship now. I have never actually seen my husband so angry and my sister looked like she was going to cry when I told her. My husband asked if she knew about the MCs and IVF referral for which I said yes.

Any advice on how to approach this? Am I feeling more upset by this with my pregnancy hormones?

Big big congratulations on your pregnancy xx

Had an identical friendship to this, I started off as the single friend who didn’t have her life together, then gradually as I met my husband-to-be, bought a house, car and started a family, her friendship became more and more toxic. She came to see me after I gave birth to my first child and said several rude things. That was the final straw, I told her to get lost in no uncertain terms and haven’t seen her since. It’s been 11 years.

I mean there you go. Jealousy.

She’s been with her DP longer, but isn’t yet married, no children, no settled abode.

You on the other hand have met someone, got married, have a new lovely bigger home and are now pregnant. You’ve achieved everything she wants, before her and in a shorter space of time.

A real friend wouldn’t get jealous of your achievements and if they did (we’re all human), they’d hide it and not treat you poorly because of them, as they’d know that it’s their issue to control/deal with.

She isn’t a good friend. And at a time you need to be stress free and enjoying your pregnancy, she’s causing you stress. Your DH and family can see this.

Sometimes being direct is the best way. Just tell her you find her unsupportive and rude. That she’s causing you stress during your pregnancy with her comments and attitude, and you need to move away from the friendship, to protect your own mental health and the health of your child.

She's really jealous. I feel for her but it doesn't excuse her behaviour. My best friend went all negative on me when I got engaged and married. She had been with her boyfriend for 15 years at that point with no sign of a ring. We had been so close for so long that I chose to understand what she was going through and not judge her for her comments. She later did get married and we're now back on track.

Oh my days she's beyond toxic and will cause no end of trouble, please for everyone's sake best get rid!

Message this so called friend saying you've contacted the bride letting her know you won't be attending her wedding in Italy but will hopefully be able to attend the home celebrations & that the bride is over the moon about your pregnancy & totally understands that you'll not be able to make it to Italy so soon after baby arrives. Big up the Bride for being so caring & understanding, it might make this other 'friend' realise she's been a cow to you.

I agree with others. This woman is envious of your life. She met her bf first and probably wanted or expected to be the first one engaged/married/pregnant/homeowner. Your achieving all these things and she's being left way behind which must be hard admittedly, but taking it out on you is not acceptable. I wouldn't mind betting when your baby arrives she'll get even worse, so probably best to phase her out now. She's not a true friend OP.

A friend does not make you feel worse about yourself, OP, there's a different name for that kind of person. You have heard the phrase 'familiarity breeds contempt'? That's what she's reached with you. Your partner and sister are correct. Bin her. There's more than enough things in life to make everyone feel bad without "friends" adding to it.

Run from her. Shes ridiculously jealous of you and she will do nothing but continue to bring you down. Get rid of her honestly shes toxic.

WTAF?! Tell her to do one!!

No, she’s is not a friend. Maybe she was, but not any more….

Either give her a piece of your mind and dump, or just dump, up to you!

Control

I don't know you, your husband, or this person and I'M furious at her for you.

Block her and move on with you're life. YANBU

Needs to know when who is staying in the hotel? Like your group of friends? On trips together?

me and my husband - she wanted to know which date we were going and where - I had ignored the original question and she messaged back wanting to know as it ‘triggered her OCD’

What was the trigger exactly? I have diagnosed ocd and nothing that my friends do would trigger it if it is outside of my home and clearly nothing to do with me. Shes just a jealous numpty and I agree it is because you were assigned a role in her life/performance and you deviated from that and it pissed her off.

I am not sure what the trigger was and why she needed to know the exact date. I think she likes to keep tabs on me and my husband _ as an above poster said I think she compares herself to me when we are totally different people and are from very different backgrounds

shes just a numpty I agree

I have limited my chat with her massively she sent a message to check in that all was well but I dont trust her - I think she just wants data

Shes just a nosy fuck, you are best to keep miles away. Bitterness is not a good look on anyone.

She’s not a friend. She compares everything you have and do. She most likely feels you shouldn’t have anything better than she does. She’s not happy for you when you have to date the best news of your life and tries to ruin it? Why do you even need your DH and family to ask you to drop her?

It's Christmas OP. Give yourself a present and have as little to do with her as possible. Not a friend.

I actually would not put it past her to cancel the hotel etc. She sounds incredible jealous and she wants to ruin your happiness.

It was strange indeed
she didnt even end up messaging me when I was at the hotel etc

i would cool it with her. Nobody needs this level of competition with a friend

I’m glad you are backing away. You might not need to say anything about triggering her OCD. I don’t think that is OCD. Apologies if I am wrong. I think she is just using that term to make her whims sound like a MH issue which you would likely feel obliged to support and definitely not challenge.

You could play her at her own game. Tell her a date and hotel. Let the conversation continue a bit and then say the information you gave her wasn’t true. Explain that you wanted to demonstrate to her that not actually knowing when and where you were going didn’t affect her in any way at all. She decided to believe you so she could just as easily decide in her own mind when you would be travelling which would be soothing for her.

It would be absolute BS mind fuckery but no more so than her feigned OCD.

And what happens when you say ‘no’ ?

It’s up to her to manage her OCD, not for everyone in her life to enable her cycles.

I’m glad to hear you’re limiting contact now. I think that’s for the best.

She goads me for information
when i started dating my husband being older and wiser i didnt want to get too excited as it was so early days - she continually questioned me about his name where he worked what he did etc etc
so if i dont give her the information she wants she will continually ask me until she eventually gets it - its obvious i dont want to share with her