Is my husband and close family right about her?

[Dolphindances]

Bit of background - this friend and I are both late thirties, I got married last year (met by lots of comments about my engagement ring and new marital home being OTT by her which I let go - they are not BTW three bed and a classic round cut 2c diamond but an upgrade from my 1 bedroom flat 🤣). She has been in a LTR for about 10 years with a guy, she is keen to settle down and he moves to various countries for work which she follows. She is keen to get married and have 3 children. We have know each other since mid 20’s. Now we are 39.

After a few years of trying - 2 miscarriages this year and a referral for IVF I somehow by a miracle fell pregnant this summer. I am due in Spring time which correlates with a friends wedding in Italy which I likely will not be able to attend due to my gravid / potentially post partum state. Upon receipt of my pregnancy news the above friend, mentioned how my timing and planning was poor for the pregnancy due to the upcoming nuptials, rolling her eyes and even messaged to check if ‘I have told her yet’ several times, as the bride will be disappointed in me and she is keen for her reaction. I was so upset I messaged the bride to be and she is just delighted I am pregnant and happy for us to be in attendance at her local wedding instead in due course.

my husband and sisters want me to leave this friendship now. I have never actually seen my husband so angry and my sister looked like she was going to cry when I told her. My husband asked if she knew about the MCs and IVF referral for which I said yes.

Any advice on how to approach this? Am I feeling more upset by this with my pregnancy hormones?

I cannot believe you have entertained this person's behaviour all these years, but her reaction to your pregnancy is by far the worst and most unacceptable. Tell her you don't want to be friends with her and block her.

Yeah block this one, she sounds a pain in the backside.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hahahaaa wow did she really say that with a straight face. Dump her as a friend for this 100% bullshit alone

Congratulations on your pregnancy 🥰🥰🥰
She is not a friend, I'm afraid, at least not anymore. I'd stop the "friendship", she is hurting you.

This person is NOT a friend on any level. Drop her and raise your bar of what you want in a friend, she's gutter level as far as friends go as she's a complete bitch towards you.
I can't be bothered with friends tbh, read so many cases on here about so called friends and wonder why anyone would bother.

Friends for a reason
Friends for a season
Friends for life

She was friends for a season. You were young and single(ish) and probably went out for drinks and a dance and a good time. She liked you better when you had nothing.

Now you have the massive diamond (come on 2c, lucky woman), the supportive caring DH, a home and a baby on the way and she doesn’t like it one bit. Jealousy, shining a mirror on her own unfulfilled dreams or whatever, she’s not a happy sausage over it all.

If you’ve had 2 MC, you should really be taking care of yourself more now and that includes your MH too. Your DH and your sisters are upset because they can see she is upsetting you at a time when you should be enjoying your pregnancy and this positive time in your life.

When your baby comes you will meet lots of new friends with babies. This is what happens. You keep your great friends for life, the ones like family, irrespective of their life choices, and you let the others fade.

Her presence in your life has now become toxic. I’m telling you now that once your baby arrives she will criticise all your choices and will make you feel shit and you’ll question yourself at your most vulnerable time.

Let it fade now if you find confrontation upsetting. Cutting her off would be better though as you don’t want her near your baby.

What’s that about the hotel? Is it hotels you are visiting with your DH and she wants to know where you have gone? Why? What’s that got to do with her?

I think you can get assigned a role in some friendships, and then if you have life changes and events that ‘step out’ of that initial role (e.g. you start as the hopelessly single friend) that can almost offend the ‘friend’. It is clear she is jealous, and in her mind as she had her partner before you met DH, you have been overtaking her multiple times when it’s not your turn!

It depends if you think there’s anything of value still there in the friendship, but it doesn’t sound like she’s much of a friend. You will have even less time for her nonsense once baby arrives that’s for sure.

It’s so she can look up costs, and judge your wealth/lifestyle

in fact, that’s where the comments on your house & ring being “ott” came from. She was probably content when she was in a relationship and you were single, but she’s rattled now that you’re doing better than her.

I have 2 friends that are like this, but we’re in our 20s. I went through a horrendous/illegal experience at work, they offered minimal support and almost seemed gleeful I was not thriving in my career any more (I earned more than they did). When I got a new job, they were just concerned about how much it paid! I thought it was really crass to be asked outright how much I was on, given I essentially fled my previous job due to mistreatment. I was earning more than before, but couldn’t understand why it mattered to them.

I find it strange that you seem so ready to put up with being treated badly.

It could be worth exploring (by yourself, with your DH or with a therapist,) why that is. Maybe something due to how you were raised?

I mention it because you're about to become a parent yourself (congratulations!) and we often fall into the patterns of how we ourselves were parented.

So to put it bluntly, if your parents didn't make you feel safe and confident and able to say no, then it might take some extra work on your part not to pass that on.

So for example looking back I can see I had quite a stressful childhood, lots of rushing and deadlines etc. It definitely affected me even as an adult. I've tried my very best not to replicate that stress in my children.

We can always break the pattern but it tends to require some awareness of the problem!

It can take a minute to realise that someone's behaviour has changed - but you've realised now, so I wouldn't waste any more time or stress.on that friendship!

I hate it when you’ve had a hard time, and then something nice happens to you, and someone begrudges you the air you breathe.

I too had fertility treatment and issues with my pregnancies and some people didn’t like it when I got pregnant. Luckily I told myself I wasn’t going to let anyone spoil my special time and I just dumped them.

This is so interesting! When her behaviour started to get strange was 1-2 years after I started seeing DH, she used to have dreams that I got engaged and she would be falling out with her DP as I got engaged before her! You cannot make it up!

That thing about the hotels is just weird. Does she demand that of all her friends? I'd be tempted to lie.

I wouldn’t want anything more to do with her-she sounds awful. . But it is absolutely none of your h or sisters’ business. You make your own decisions about your own friends.

This is a great explanation for how some people’s minds work about these sort of things. Not many thankfully, but some!

Have you asked her why? Does she also need to know about things like flights and other travel plans, or if you're staying with friends or relatives?

Lol, yes. I’d be tempted to say ‘The Ritz, actually. Three nights.’

Before you met up with your husband, she comforted herself for the uncertainties of her relationship with the thought that at least you were (according to her values) worse off than her. Likewise when you were having miscarriages, she could tell herself that at least she probably could have a successful pregnancy and you couldn't. You've taken away both sources of comfort for her,

The reality is that she is displacing her unhappiness about her life without any sensible basis for it, and there is nothing you can do about it. You are probably bother going to be better off if you withdraw quietly from this friendship.

She’s clearly not your friend because you don’t like her and spending time with her doesn’t make you happy, so I’m not sure why you are needing to ask.

It’s possible that she’s projecting her views eg perhaps to her a 3bed house is big (for some people, it’s is), perhaps she views diamonds on their clarity and colour (makes a bigger difference to their value than their size) and maybe she was really hurt by people not attending her wedding due to pregnancy. Who know why she is how she is but you are under no obligation to bother to try to find out and you don’t need to seek permission to move on from the friendship.

This toxic friendship isn't heading anywhere good. She feeds on drama. You don't.

So she is with a man who won't marry her. She's 39, wants three children but isn't pregnant yet.

You are married, pregnant and have a house.

You have what she wants and she can't deal with that. I'd break off the friendship because the next stage is her trying to seduce your DH so she can have a bit of what she is craving. Not because she fancies him or even likes him, but because she wants your life.

Keep it factual and say the bride is delighted I’m pregnant
fade her out

The Italian wedding is of a different friend. The friend this post is about is yet to be married. She's most likely being bitchy about OP not attending, to get some cheap shots in.

She's not really OP's friend. As real friends are happy and supportive, rather than jealous and mean. As others have said people often get put in roles by friends e.g. "unlucky in love", "less career focused" etc. Then things shift and other people don't like it

Or alternatively feel like other people are taking over their role. E.g. I had fertility issues and a friend (now not a friend!) took offence to this -it took her 5 months to conceive so self diagnosed herself as having fertility issues 🤣. Meanwhile l had rounds and round of fertility drugs, 3 rounds of IVF etc. It's a shit club l actually had no desire to belong to!

And you have moved forward got engaged, married, you have a house now and you are having a baby. You have the stability she wants but instead of being happy for you or being honest about how she is stuck traipsing after a man she is mean about your choices.

Of course your other getting married is happy for you. Your jealous friend wanted eat up the drama but there was none.

Comparison is the thief of joy.