Cleaner invited friends over AIBU

[Nestingbirds]

We have an arrangement with our cleaner that she takes care of our animals when we are away for a few days. She usually stays in the annexe but this time stayed in our house due to refurbishment.

We had an agreement when this started that we would prefer she didn’t have visitors apart from her long term boyfriend. He is away atm. She was totally on board, and said she would feel the same if it was her house.

We pay her really really well, and leave her lots of treats including fresh flowers. She told me she likes the time she has to herself, and all is well.

Only our neighbour texted me to say there are people coming and going from our house and sent me her ring doorbell footage. Not only is she having friends over, she isn’t actually spending time with the animals or cleaning (we pay her separately for both) as the rest of the time she has been out. We never leave our dog all day. Whilst we obviously don’t mind her going out, and want her to be happy, I just feel taken for a ride as she is clearly not there doing either.

I have messaged her to see how she is, hoping she would be honest about her friend coming over and staying for hours in our house, but she has continued to lie to me.

I feel like I can’t trust her now. Wwyd?

Its often better to have a live in housekeeper. It's not much more expensive. People tend to behave in a trustworthy way when they are integrated with a family, have their own space, have a sense of dignity and autonomy, and can have guests. Food for thought @Nestingbirds

I guess it’s pretty telling how she speaks to others she deems ‘inferior’ to her. It’s the classic judging a potential partner based on how they treat shop assistants, waiters and animals…. this is what they’re really like. And this is her. She was using your identity to exercise a certain level of power over delivery and trades people bc she felt it gave her authority by speaking down to them and berating them on your behalf. Maybe she believes this is what more affluent ppl do. But from what you describe she would probably do it anyway. She’s successfully managed to intimidate you by showing you her scary confrontational side, but used it safely and manipulatively, like she was doing it ‘for’ you, when in fact she probably enjoys demeaning other people and elevating herself above them.

It’s likely that despite you treating her so fondly, almost like an extended member of your family, she would have been keenly aware of the difference in your circumstances. They would be significant. It’s easy to fall into a trusting and affectionate ‘relationship’ with ppl, particularly those you’re seeing regularly and who meet your family and are inside your home. You would have wanted to put her at her ease and also obtain a level of friendship to ensure that the woman coming into your home liked you enough to be a decent human being. That’s not unreasonable. But sadly you let your guard down and it allowed her to take full advantage of the situation, almost with your consent as she largely went unchallenged.

She probably did like you to a certain level, you’ll never know, but she absolutely did see you as a victim to be taken advantage of and the power dynamic had well and truly shifted in her favour. You would have probably seen her as becoming part of your family but she would very much be conscious of the difference in your economic situations and that would have been enough to view you and your family objectively. She could have either put on an act the entire time and loathed you with social and financial jealousy, taking every small act against you as a win, or it could have actually been the opposite and she became so comfortable with the situation that she actually did treat you as she would a family member and take advantage bc she thought she could get away with it. Boundaries were definitely blurred.

It’s awful when the scales fall from your eyes, and a person is not just disappointing at not meeting your level of expectations, but falls significantly below it and you realise they aren’t in fact the person you thought they were. You feel not only blindsided, but, as you said before, violated, and taken for a fool, and you question all their actions and your interactions - was any of it real? What were her true motivations for saying or doing this?

Her preying on your kindness and viewing it as weakness obviously says more about her than it does you - what a thoroughly depressing way to live - but unfortunately ppl do what they do to get ahead and for their own advantage, across the social spectrum. They have limited if any empathy, or true affection for others outside themselves and their immediate family, but the ones who are successful know how to fake it convincingly - like you’re cleaner. They are the frightening ones. Sociopaths.

I think she cast me as both a victim (she constantly commented on my need to look after myself, and not be too busy) and therefore superior because she had time for those things - like lots of ‘me time’ as she called it. But we are worlds apart.

I have children, animals, lots of friends and interests/travels. She has chosen to have none of those things in her life. I am busy. Most parents are.

It has always been a little strained with her lecturing me on self care. and if I am honest competitive at times too. She is obsessed with weight loss, sees herself as having more value if she is thin/thinner - and that’s never really interested me. I don’t measure my self worth in this way. I have just chosen to ignore her comments, when I should have paid attention.

Looking back, I am so glad she has gone. I have let too much go, and she has stepped so far out of line. We are easy going as a family but should not have allowed this.

Welcome to Mumsnet

Why? It’s not remotely funny in my eyes. Since we have been back my dog has become incontinent. I assume because of the stress she is under, and hasn’t been put outside for toileting. I really can’t see the funny side at all. Honestly.

I only saw her once in an old jumper of mine, I did ask her directly if she had been helping herself to the charity bags. She said she didn’t think I would mind, and she had moved house and was struggling a bit financially. I offered to give her anything next time but she has never taken me up on the offer since. I had stopped mentioning after the first few times, as I think it caused her some embarrassment. I felt quite sad she didn’t ask me at the time, as we would always be happy to help her (could have given her an advance etc)

Her line about ‘I didn’t think you’d mind’ seems to have extended to quite a few things. Hope your agency person is a gem and you can out this behind you.

Why? Are you her cleaner??

I don’t understand why people come onto threads (late in the convo) just to be mean?

I have only seen her wear something once, yes. On other occasions I have noticed things weren’t there when I have got to the shop. I couldn’t really prove it was her, but no one else has access to it. I actually didn’t mind her taking these things if she needed them, I would have liked for her to ask or mention it.

I wasn’t hijacking the thread. Sorry you felt attacked. You stated you said you had no children when asked as a way to support the OP’s cleaner’s decision not to share she has step children. My point was that it is a bit odd to say you don’t have step children if you have step children. If you did have biological children would you say no to that as well, when asked by an employer?

Good point. There’s an app you can use to detect them too but I can’t remember the name sorry. I’m sure if you google it.

It’s getting really tedious.

How do you do this?

The reason I ask is she did not sound remotely surprised when I messaged her. It’s like she knew. There was a certain tone in her message that felt at odds with someone that was caught out.

That makes sense.

I had 7 bags for charity Monday. They have shops all over the city and everything doesn't go to the same one.

I am going to stop responding to you. She clearly has never walked out with an entire bag of my clothes! I don’t know why you are on here with different user names trying to discredit me, which won’t work because I am telling the truth, and it makes me wonder who you are, and why you are trying to silence my thread.