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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this the life of a stepparent?

406 replies

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 26/10/2025 15:04

Mmmm go careful he isn’t marrying you for your childcare services. This would piss me off. He’s got his son for the weekend and has palmed him off on you and not even said thanks.

Figcherry · 26/10/2025 15:05

So he's not a good dad then.
Or only when it suits him?
You need to nip this in the bud, if you choose to care for dss then fine. However your dp can't assume you will be dss carer.

MumChp · 26/10/2025 15:06

Are you sure you want to marry this man? Do you want children?

Homegrownberries · 26/10/2025 15:06

You've caught a glimpse of the future.

Is there a plan to have children with him at any stage?

Hankunamatata · 26/10/2025 15:06

So he see's you as childcare.

Hmmm

Arlanymor · 26/10/2025 15:06

He said he felt unwell, sounds like he is letting it affect his behaviour. Is he usually fine? I assume so or you wouldn't be with him...

harriethoyle · 26/10/2025 15:06

It’s not the life of a stepparent, no. But it is the life of someone who has a prick of a boyfriend.

Loadsapandas · 26/10/2025 15:08

What’s he normally like with his child?

I couldn’t respect a man who wasn’t fully engaged and wanting to spend time with his child.

let alone leave the DC with me.

poor kid.

BellaTrixLeStrange1 · 26/10/2025 15:10

I feel your pain! I’m also a step-parent of two boys (now 8-11). I know being a parent can be incredibly tough, but being a step parent is tough too, and it can be a thankless task! In the early days I wasn’t great at boundaries with my DP and it crept up on me to the point that I was doing almost everything (the children are with us 50% of the time), I started to feel resentful and it started to damage our relationship. Once I took a step back and set some clearer boundaries things got better. I still have a great relationship with my step sons, and we still do lots together as a family, but my DP knows that he is the parent and that the buck stops with him. Good luck, it’s not easy but you’ll get there!

Bathingforest · 26/10/2025 15:10

Just a typical man. But not in the good sense. His child is NOT your responsibility.

MumChp · 26/10/2025 15:12

Arlanymor · 26/10/2025 15:06

He said he felt unwell, sounds like he is letting it affect his behaviour. Is he usually fine? I assume so or you wouldn't be with him...

Edited

He can't afford that.

Arlanymor · 26/10/2025 15:12

MumChp · 26/10/2025 15:12

He can't afford that.

Show quote history

To be unwell for a day?

zazazaaar · 26/10/2025 15:13

Absolutely not normal. My DSS was 4 and I would help look after him on occasion. DH always took over on my return and thanked me.
I would be very wary of marrying him. Is he usually a decent dad? Not just Disney dadding?

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 26/10/2025 15:14

Ooh, this is a terrible warning OP - please heed it. He's already treating you like the nanny, once you're married, it will be worse - once you have you own kids, he will do fuck all.

No exaggeration, I would put the wedding on hold for at least 6 months, explain why and pay down your ground rules.

I say all this as a stepmother of 17 years of two young adults of 21 and 18 with whom I have a great relationship and whom I parented a fair bit when they were with us.

I wouldn't have been a stepparent for 17 minutes had my partner ever behaved like this.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

MumChp · 26/10/2025 15:15

Arlanymor · 26/10/2025 15:12

To be unwell for a day?

Show quote history

Not to thank his girlfriend for taking care of the child or parent the child the at home. Being unwell isn't an excuse.

Catsknowbest · 26/10/2025 15:16

I'd be postponing the wedding until this was addressed.

Ddakji · 26/10/2025 15:17

No great but is this a one off and is he actually unwell?

34steps · 26/10/2025 15:18

No absolutely not the life of a step parent. Becoming a good step parent is hard, and any already parent who doesn't appreciate that isn't worth the trouble. If he isn't at least talking and asking you if you're ok to step up with DSS because he feels too ill, thats a really bad sign. Even worse that he isn't thanking you for taking over.

Nobody makes the grade as a step parent unless their partner is prepared to help them and talk to them. It's a great role - being not a parent but being able to take part in helping a child grow up. But impossible if communications aren't absolutely always open with the actual parent.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2025 15:21

It depends here because your paragraph detailing he’s a good dad is completely at odds with what happened today.

so. If today’s an outlier, just let it go, we all have off days.

if today’s not unusual, then he’s not a good dad at all is he, and there’s no way I’d be marrying in to this life.

Weekendwatch · 26/10/2025 15:23

So this has all come out of the blue and your dh has never behaved like this nor had this expectation previously?

myglowupera · 26/10/2025 15:23

I always say the parent’s behaviour plays a big part in whether you will enjoy stepparenting or not. If the parent isn’t a good parent/husband/wife then the stepparent is very likely (and very rightly!) going to get fed up of playing that role. Stepmums are always told on here to work as a team but I always wonder just how much teamwork their husbands do for the family. If you had refused to look after your DSS today, people would pile on you for that including him I bet. But here is your partner coming home not engaging or anything.

The parent needs to make it all worth it.

dreamingbohemian · 26/10/2025 15:24

How long have you been together?

Pepperedpickles · 26/10/2025 15:25

I think he sounds sulky, immature and moody. This has less to do with your dss and more to do with your dp being an arse. Don’t have children with him. He’s going to be one of those dads who sees looking after his own kids as babysitting.

Original poster
tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:25

I said to Dp “you’re welcome” and he shouted “for what? For looking after DSS? Well I’m SORRY you had to look after him” and then slammed the door

OP posts:
HelenaWaiting · 26/10/2025 15:25

Ddakji · 26/10/2025 15:17

No great but is this a one off and is he actually unwell?

An unwell pig is still a pig.

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