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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this the life of a stepparent?

406 replies

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

OP posts:
RightThenRightAgain · 26/10/2025 15:42

Well, it’s not going to get better is it? He isn’t going to be grateful because he thinks that this is a part of the role of being his fiance. I can’t see it lessen when you are his wife.

You in a relationship with an twat and you’ve either got to decide that you are fine with that and keep going or that you don’t want this to be your life and end the relationship.

Pepperedpickles · 26/10/2025 15:43

Is all of this slamming doors and shouting etc going on around dss? If so that’s appalling.

NormaSears · 26/10/2025 15:43

“I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. Bet the girlfriend didn't expect him to babysit her child for 6 hours.

SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always
The DSS isn't yours so that's inevitable.

You're the nanny with a fanny. If you marry or have children, it will only get worse.

RightThenRightAgain · 26/10/2025 15:43

Has he got an actual job as well as setting up this business?

Yolo12345 · 26/10/2025 15:43

Do not marry this man

potato08 · 26/10/2025 15:44

Omg.
Run for the hills, op

Weekendwatch · 26/10/2025 15:44

The op knows it’s crap
it has been going on for some time

The Op wants her Christmas wedding though. Invites issues, dress bought, band booked. So will go ahead.

And then spend a few years posting on mumsnet how crap her life is with this man

Homegrownberries · 26/10/2025 15:44

Now is your chance to get out. This is your moment to put yourself first. If you don't, you'll blink and 15 years will have passed you by while you've been busy propping up everybody else with no appreciation for your effort.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 26/10/2025 15:44

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Yes, he treated them like his own - by not looking after them.

Happyhettie · 26/10/2025 15:46

Why are you marrying him? Don’t sound like he’s treating you very nicely. Does he often criticise you and shout at you? That’s not normal relationship behaviour for a positive relationship.

The childcare demands don’t sound like they are appreciated or actually asked for (more “you need to…”

I don’t understand why you are marrying someone who is unpleasant to you. It won’t get any better.

Ohnobackagain · 26/10/2025 15:46

His idea of treating him like your own is not that at all. It’s around you acting as default parent because that’s how he sees women. It’s great that you love and want to spend time with DSS but it is not great how much your DP takes you for granted. Looks like different values to me that may not be compatible, unless you want a lifetime of this crap @tokoyo

HansHolbein · 26/10/2025 15:46

Getting a shower?

No5ChalksRoad · 26/10/2025 15:47

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 26/10/2025 15:14

Ooh, this is a terrible warning OP - please heed it. He's already treating you like the nanny, once you're married, it will be worse - once you have you own kids, he will do fuck all.

No exaggeration, I would put the wedding on hold for at least 6 months, explain why and pay down your ground rules.

I say all this as a stepmother of 17 years of two young adults of 21 and 18 with whom I have a great relationship and whom I parented a fair bit when they were with us.

I wouldn't have been a stepparent for 17 minutes had my partner ever behaved like this.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

Listen to this.

And your relationship can’t be all that longterm if he had a child born 4 years ago.

Why would you want a rude man who should be focusing on his tiny vulnerable child? Rather than ensuring himself a “nanny with a fanny,” sorry.

hold out for better.

MoominMai · 26/10/2025 15:47

So based on your posts, despite everything you do for DSS, his response is that you’re not stepping up enough compared to his royal highness when he’s dated people with kids. But when challenged how, goes all vague 🤦🏻‍♀️

Lord knows how he’d be if you ever had kids together. Don’t throw your life away so easily.

PeloMom · 26/10/2025 15:47

Wow he’s already taking you for granted. I can only imagine how much worse it will get after he’s had you locked in a marriage

HazelCritic · 26/10/2025 15:48

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

In what ways is he a 'good dad'? Seriously, he showed no interest in his son today, shouted at you and slammed a door presumably with his son present. If it was a one off fair enough, but you say this is a frequent issue. Don't marry this man and don't have children with this man.

MannersAreAll · 26/10/2025 15:51

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Treated them like his own? So part time parenting with the majority of the responsibility on the woman then...

He's making it very clear to you that he expects you to be the default parent in the house. Do you really want that? Do you really want to be with a man who has such little regard for his child that he doesn't prioritise the small amount of time he has with him (I'm assuming eow as you don't say it's 50/50).

MumoftwoNC · 26/10/2025 15:51

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own.

For this man, "treating them like my own" = ignoring them. Not hard!

MumoftwoNC · 26/10/2025 15:52

The 4yo is old enough to know he's unwanted by his father.

Honestly op, there are better men out there you could marry instead.

HisNibs · 26/10/2025 15:53

Listen to these posters OP... do not marry this man. He wants you to be the unpaid Nanny.

JillyJoy · 26/10/2025 15:53

And with a new business he will have even less time and even less money.
In 5 years time you will have aged 10yrs.
Time to review the situation.

Dunderheided · 26/10/2025 15:54

What’s his wider family like, @tokoyo ?

Are you on equal footing financially?

Poodleville · 26/10/2025 15:55

I agree with the red flag comments.
Also, shower when he got back, that plus his foulness towards you made me think of an affair! Maybe a bit of a reach. In any caae, his behaviour towards you is bad enough on its own.

Zippedydodah · 26/10/2025 15:55

GlasgowGal2014 · 26/10/2025 15:30

He is telling you loud and clear that he believes your role as a woman is to look after him and his children; and that his role is to look after himself. Think long and hard about whether this is the life you want for yourself.

^^THIS 100%
He’s demonstrating loud and clear that that’s your place and don’t you dare question it.
The fact that more than one previous partner/girlfriend has dumped him must surely sound alarm bells OP?
My advice is dump him and for heaven’s sake don’t marry him!

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/10/2025 15:56

No no no.

He wants a free nanny that he gets to fuck.

He is rude, selfish, verbally cruel and abusive, emotionally absent and lazy.

You can do so much better, in fact being on your own is better than this.

What is your housing situation? Who's name is the house in etc?