Is this the life of a stepparent?

[tokoyo]

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

I agree in general, but there's so much hyperbole on this thread about him being an abhorrent human just because he has an off day. Presumably he isn't like this everyday or why is she marrying him? I did a massive favour for a member of my family in the week because they had Covid. They haven't said thanks yet, but I know they will do when they are well.

Are you absolutely certain that marrying this man is going to enhance and ease your life?

I mean, he’s basically got a live in Nanny hasn’t he?
You are incredibly lucky that you have seen. What kind of Dad he will be before you have children most of us don’t have that kind of insight.
If you have children with him, you will be a single parent with him living in your house making it messy annoying you and killing the vibe
Oh, and you’ll have your stepson as well

Have you ever done any of that? If you’re not well or hungry or tired or cold have you ever slammed the door and enchanted?

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

Well that's appalling then (and would have been helpful to know earlier). He sounds awful, why are you marrying him?

It’s easy to take a side step when you are not married. Next time it’s his DSS w/e you need to be somewhere else, see how he reacts and reassess your relationship accordingly.
To ignore his child when getting home no matter how ill tells you what he’s like as a parent

He is telling you loud and clear that he believes your role as a woman is to look after him and his children; and that his role is to look after himself. Think long and hard about whether this is the life you want for yourself.

So many red flags here.

He didn’t ask you if it would be ok to look after DSS he told you.

He didn’t show any gratitude by taking over when he eventually made it home.

He then moaned like a 2 year old that he was hungry and and you asked him what he’d like to eat. He’s a grown man he can make his own damn food.

The behaviour he’s showing you is just a taste of what’s to come and once you’re married and he feels even more comfortable he’ll get worse.

I can clarify, he expects you to be a nanny with a fanny - you do all the childcare of DSS, he also gets to shag you. If you complain then you're a terrible human and vile to DSS (to be very clear you're not, he'll just use that to guilt trip you).

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”

This man is a walking red flag OP. Do your future self a favour and walk away.

I really feel for you, OP. This sounds incredibly difficult. Obviously I don’t know your partner and don’t want to judge, but based purely on what you’ve described this situation sounds absolutely unsustainable. You don’t have to put up with being unhappy.

Please don't marry this man @tokoyo 🚩🚩🚩🚩He hasn't even got you fully ensnared yet and is already shamelessly showing you what he expects your role to be - a service human to provide childcare and sex.

Please read some of the step parenting threads on here. If a man is like this now he will continue to be like it (and worse) once you're married. If I could give my younger self any advice it would be to run run run away from any man with kids if you don't want to be his childcare. My life was a misery for the entire time I was married to my ex husband because of exactly this. RUN!

So this is not a one-off. This will be your life if you marry this man op. I would strongly suggest you don’t. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them - and get out now. You’ve had a lucky escape, this will only ramp up if you marry this man..

So actually it’s a massive issue that you’ve known about for ages and still planning on that Christmas Eve wedding

limited sympathy

Run and don’t look back.

It's clear from the OP it's not a one off, she is worried and exasperated.

Ultimately it is his child and he should take the lead when he is around.

Don’t Marry him OP
Find somebody nice without the baggage
There are thousands and thousands of men out there that you can create your own beautiful family with that you will be happy with you. Don’t need these headaches.

This isn’t my experience of parenting.

This is what is it like when you parent with a shit parent and an inconsiderate and nasty partner.

Do you want to have children in the future? What kind of Dad do you want them to do?

You are sleepwalking into a lifetime of misery. He sounds like a horrible person. Please don’t do it. 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP please wake up.

This man is a walking red flag expecting you to provide free childcare for his kid from a previous relationship.

That is not normal or acceptable behaviour.

So he sees you just as free convenient childcare as he doesn’t want to do it himself. Not sure what you are getting yourself into here marrying him.

Speaking for myself.
I don't understand why you marrying into this situation, wouldn't understand it twenty years ago and wouldn't understand it in a million years.
A marriage should improve your life.
Are you sure this is it?
❤️