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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this the life of a stepparent?

406 replies

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

OP posts:
Tigercrane · 26/10/2025 15:56

Your gut is telling you somethings not right with this man/ relationship.Do you.live together? Would it be hard to leave if you.wanted to?

FuzzyWolf · 26/10/2025 15:56

A long term relationship with a man who has a four year old? Sounds like he has never been a proper or present father to his child if he broke up with his son’s mother so soon after he was born.

I would wager that he sees you as childcare and that’s your role in his life. I would really reassess if this is what you want and remember that if you plan to have your own children, there is a good chance he won’t stay with you.

Getofftheunicorn · 26/10/2025 15:57

Poodleville · 26/10/2025 15:55

I agree with the red flag comments.
Also, shower when he got back, that plus his foulness towards you made me think of an affair! Maybe a bit of a reach. In any caae, his behaviour towards you is bad enough on its own.

I was just going to say that very thing!
Also straight on his phone when he came home - 1hour later than he said he would.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 26/10/2025 15:59

Please heed the warnings on here and call off the wedding, and end your relationship.

This is not a man you should marry or spend waste your life with.

It's red flag behaviour and not a one off. He does not respect you. Your life will be miserable with him. He's a misogynist. He thinks childcare or parenting is a woman's job.

It's far better to call off the wedding, than to go through with it and end up having to divorce, or worse still, have this be the rest of your life.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 26/10/2025 16:00

Do not marry him!

HelpMeUnpickThis · 26/10/2025 16:00

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:25

I said to Dp “you’re welcome” and he shouted “for what? For looking after DSS? Well I’m SORRY you had to look after him” and then slammed the door

Oh wow.

No way.

Pumpkincatbow · 26/10/2025 16:00

Op, don't get married this year! Or at all possibly. This man has shown you very clearly who he is.

Iloveagoodnap · 26/10/2025 16:01

Are you also financially supporting all of you while he sets up this business? Is he bringing any money into the household? Not that that makes any difference to his parenting skills but it’s another red flag if he’s not.

Breadcat24 · 26/10/2025 16:01

P[ease do not marry this man

Shatteredallthetimelately · 26/10/2025 16:02

At least you know what you're letting yourself in for, I really can't see this getting any better if your DP is starting his own business, depending on what it is he could be out all hours leaving you to look after his DS.

You still have a choice, you either go ahead and continue as you are, once married you'll be expected to step up as step mum and do the childcare or call the wedding off and leave to live your life elsewhere.

The only red flags in these situations are coming from the one that decides to stay and put up with this type of behaviour.

MO0N · 26/10/2025 16:02

The wedding is imminent, he feels as if everything is signed and sealed, so he's letting the mask slip.
I think he wants to have you properly trained up to serve and obey as soon as you are married. That way he can hit the ground running as soon as he's married; live the life he wants with a subservient & docile woman to do all the boring menial tasks leaving him free to indulge himself and live the life of a man unencumbered by children.
Dont have a child with him, it'll get much worse with all the divided loyalties.

snemrose · 26/10/2025 16:03

Do not marry this man.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/10/2025 16:03

Op. If you can’t see that this man is utterly awful, then I’m not sure what we can do to help.
You opened with a paragraph about how wonderful a dad he was and that you’re marrying him in a few months. You have then gone on to detail in fact that’s he utterly awful in so so many ways. I am happy for you that you’ve woken up and seen him for what he is before you tied the knot. Run fast and far.

snemrose · 26/10/2025 16:05

I can only imagine how hard it is to even consider calling off a wedding this close to the date (not just money) but it will be far far worse if you go ahead and have to split later - even worse if you end up with a child with him.

Lovingbooks · 26/10/2025 16:05

Are you seriously saying this is a serious relationship when he has a 4 year old and has a dating history of women with kids. Poor kid. When did your fiancé leave his ex with the child. You not mentioned how old he is. It does seem like he doesn’t value your contribution but you didn’t need to post on here to realise that.

yeesh · 26/10/2025 16:06

You would be mad to marry this dickhead.

softstone · 26/10/2025 16:07

This man won’t make you happy OP. I feel for you - you have some decisions to make.

hmmnotreallysure · 26/10/2025 16:07

He sees You as childcare. He's not giving you an option to opt out of parenting his child, he's telling you that you have to treat him as your own. He doesn't want to be responsible for parenting by himself. I'd think long and hard about marrying him op. This will be your future.

Everydayimhuffling · 26/10/2025 16:07

It doesn't sound like it was hard for him to treat other children like "his own" given how he treats his actual child. His expectations of you are wildly higher than his expectations of himself as a parent.

TheMadGardener · 26/10/2025 16:07

Do not marry him! He seems like he just wants someone to look after his son so he doesn't have to.

You're not married yet and he already thinks he can speak to you disrespectfully and you'll just hang around and take him being rude - meanwhile you'll do chores and childcare.

I would think very, very carefully before going ahead with the marriage. I'd also sit him down and have a conversation where you explain that you're unsure about going ahead with the wedding and you have certain expectations for what he contributes to your relationship. If this conversation causes him to blow up at you, start swearing at you, slam out of the room, etc - call off the wedding!

MsPavlichenko · 26/10/2025 16:08

It’s not the life of a step parent, nor should it be the life of a parent. To be taken for granted, to be treated so disrespectfully, to be unappreciated. Not to mention shouting in front of his DC, and actually not paying any attention to them. Think what example he is setting for his DC, what is he learning about how men treat women?

Please don’t marry this man, in fact leave him. It doesn’t matter what he says, or what panicked promises he makes if he thinks his child cdd as re is under threat. He is showing you right now who he is, and what he’ll do ( fuck all ) if you have DC with him. Run.

Noshowlomo · 26/10/2025 16:08

Red flags all over the shop

AtomicPumpkin · 26/10/2025 16:09

I can't begin to imagine what could possibly have gone wrong between your partner and his ex.

FrauPaige · 26/10/2025 16:10

MO0N · 26/10/2025 16:02

The wedding is imminent, he feels as if everything is signed and sealed, so he's letting the mask slip.
I think he wants to have you properly trained up to serve and obey as soon as you are married. That way he can hit the ground running as soon as he's married; live the life he wants with a subservient & docile woman to do all the boring menial tasks leaving him free to indulge himself and live the life of a man unencumbered by children.
Dont have a child with him, it'll get much worse with all the divided loyalties.

I'm afraid that this analysis is likely accurate and I fear that @Poodleville may be correct that he may be seeing someone else.

Either way, @tokoyo at the very least delay the wedding so that you can reassess the situation with a clear head - as what you have described does not a happy marriage make.

MO0N · 26/10/2025 16:11

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it
He claims that when he dated women with children he treated those children like his own. Can we presume that means he expected the woman to take responsibility for them, since that appears to be how he treats his own child?