Is this the life of a stepparent?

[tokoyo]

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

I wouldn't get past that level of entitlement and disrespect. End of relationship, he has shown his true colours

What is your living situation. who owns the house you are in?

you are obviously scared of your fiance. Why can't your brother visit you. There are just so many red flags. Please get support to leave him if you find it hard doing it on your own.

each update sounds more worrying.

@tokoyo reading others’ comments, apart from the disrespect to you - he doesn’t treat his child ‘like his own’ does he? Except in his world
view, women are the default. I know I said something before but I can’t say it enough. Do you live in your house?

Re-reading your OP - expecting you to cook as well (ok I get he ‘wasn’t well’) but the more I see the worse this looks.

It’s great you’re an involved step-mum and get on with the ex, but to me the step parenting isn’t the issue here - it is DP. Do not be afraid to walk away.

Your brother sounds like a good judge of character.

Op, I'd be incredibly wary of marrying this man. He's giving you a glimpse of what your future with him looks like. I suggest you take heed and call it off. Otherwise you'll be returning to mumsnet in a few months or a few years saying he's abusing you emotionally and financially, you've given up work to raise the kids and enable his ambitions, and are too far in (and without financial independence) to escape.

Why did he split with his ex?

When you dump him, he'll find another 'nanny with a fanny' in no time.

You can have a relationship without living together you know.

Who owns the house you live in? Or whose name is it in?

I think you’re possibly very vulnerable op to being in an abusive relationship.
I would try to unpick your past to work out why.
what seems to have happened in this relationship is that he has tricked, lied, gaslit and manipulated you in to doing all his work, and fooled you in to believing that you’re in the wrong if you don’t.

are you a people pleaser op, and in particular - men?

Categorically no, this is not the life of a stepparent. He isn’t your child - it sounds like you are absolutely wonderful with him and he sound be so happy you all get on well. I’m a SP - I’ve been with my fiance 5 years and we both a have a 14 year old each. It works brilliantly because he is a dedicated hands on dad. Occasionally I’ll look after DSS but it isn’t regular - his time with us is to spend time with his dad in the main and we also have family time. His dad wouldn’t want to be off without him when we have him at all.

How long had you been in a serious relationship when you moved in together?
Was it his idea?
Ask yourself this,,,, if you had said at the beginning that you want a relationship with him but you don't want to live with him until his son is at least 15 how would he have reacted? would he have said 'Of course darling I love you so much I will cherish this amazing thing we have together and wait as long as it takes until you want to live together, we can wait until Daniel goes to university if you want'.

Or would he have fucked off like shit off a stick looking for the next live in nanny.

If you have kids of your own, this is exactly how it will be. Stop trying to be super stepmom and make yourself less available otherwise he will walk all over you x

I’d give it three weeks at the absolute maximum.

What is his new business? Is it one that means he will be out of the house at all pick up and drop off times, and weekends? Such as hospitality? And what plans has he made to cover his time with DSS when it opens?

how will your career be impacted if you end up stepping up?

This is the life of someone with a thoughtless and unkind partner - nothing to do with step-parent. I wouldn't marry this guy, your life will be miserable and resentful.

Only when his DS misbehaves, you will not be the parent, when yours misbehave, it will be your fault.
(All DC are likely to misbehave at some point, and if you do have DC of your own, DSS might feel left out etc.)

Your STBXFiance isn't interested in his child. Any DC would be passed to the nearest woman.

Read the threads in Step-parenting.

I agree with all PP, that he’s an arsehole and has got comfortable. He has got comfortable enough that he defaults thinks that you are responsible for entertaining his son and that he can dip in and out when he chooses.

You have choices here.

Call off the wedding

Carry on as you are and expect this to get worse

Postpone the wedding and put in some boundaries. For instance, on contact weekends ensure that you have made plans with friends etc on at least one of the days, if he asks well tells you that he needs you to look after DSS, then tell him yes but only for an hour….

With option 3, he’ll use every manipulation tool to coerce you and make you feel guilty. You can’t let it.

Hopefully dp is in as he deserves to hear it from someone!! And hopefully you’ve left with your brother.
your dp is the one who doesn’t love him like his own and the one who is his parent.

Absolutely.

OP you are clearly very vulnerable.
Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be a good idea, as would these two books.

Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood

Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

Educate yourself to protect yourself from using arseholes.

He is always going to blame you for any problems with HIS CHILD because you are not always “treating them like your own.”

It’s always going to be your fault OP, do not stay with this man. He is not a good man.

OP, it sounds as if you are at least somewhat in denial about the true nature of your partner. Please don't take that as a criticism, I think I'm about a generation older than you and lord knows I have been so very blind when it comes to men in the past!

Who owns the property you live in? is it yours, if so does he pay his way?
(We need to ascertain if he's a cocklodger or not).

Such good advice!

Wow and you’re marrying this guy? Crumbs. I’d be telling him his child is his responsibility so if he can’t look after him, he needs to stay at his mum’s. Can you imaging having dc with him and you get lumbered with all the responsibility of them and your dss?

Do not marry this man

So how did the chat go with your brother @tokoyo