Is this the life of a stepparent?

[tokoyo]

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

If she shows signs of backing out he may well put the nice guy mask back on and play a more careful game until she trusts him again?

Why did he & ex break up, do you know?
The child would have been very young?

wow so many red flags, be a struggle not to ignore them

Your DP sounds like a prick. Don't marry him... you can do better.

Another one for don't marry him. You are lucky you've seen all this before you got married, many don't. Don't make the wrong decision.

Red flags everywhere!!! As someone already said your the "nanny with a fanny"

He's let you know what the future will be like. Why are you marrying this man? I'd run now. Do not have children with this man!!

Did he use a special victim voice when he said he was ‘extremely hungry’ ? This is so unattractive.

He’s told you EXACTLY how he views you and what your role should be. To put up and shut up and be his unpaid and unappreciated childcare. His attitude isn’t going to magically change, this is how he thinks.

I would really be thinking twice about marrying this man.

I'm laughing at Nanny with a fanny, never ever heard that term used before.

It's not a long term relationship if he had a 4 year old. This has warning signs all over it.

His Ex:
He obviously didn't stay too long with her after the child was born.
Let me guess, she didn't have time for him, she was too consumed with being a mom, her horomes made her crazy, his sex life suffered?
He's probably sold you some of that BS.
🚩🚩🚩🚩

His Child:
He is disinterested.
He expects others to do the heavy lifting.
Do you really think he will get different if you have children with him?
🚩🚩🚩🚩

You:
Sounds disrespectful
Expects you to do the parenting
Criticises you and is ungrateful
🚩🚩🚩🚩

You will end up being in the same situation as his ex. What you knowingly set yourself up for this?

Don't marry this man. He's a moody shit who takes you totally for granted already, and a terrible parent.

So, DSS is 4 and in the last 4-5 years your DP has broken up with DSS mum, dated at least two women to the point of meeting her kids and then dated you long enough to be marrying within the next couple of months?

He definitely needs to slow down, and so do you!

Don't marry him, please please please call it off.

Red Flags, tell him to pack his bags, he told you, not asked you to look after his son.
His son, his responsibility, he does not get to demand, he asks, then says thankyou.
You really need to sort this out before you marry this man.

Even if he said he will change, I bet he won’t. I bet he’s stressed out about premises, and the stress will continue with the new business. Being taken for granted is demoralising, I would not be treated like this, run for the hills whilst you can.

The red flag for me wouldn't be a man coming in unwell and being disengaged if this wasn't characteristic of him. It would have been waving at the point where he said he was going to work and I needed to look after his child.
He is acting as though you are equally responsible for DSS and when he 'needs' to do something, you 'need' to look after him. He should have asked you if you'd mind looking after DSS before agreeing to work.
I suspect though that in your enthusiasm to bond with DSS and your desire to fit into a happy family, you've always been enthusiastic and took pains to demonstrate how well you do? This is common behaviour, but unfortunately can backfire when he starts to see it as an expectation not a privilege.
I think you have a few weeks before the wedding to have a conversation and come to a shared understanding about your role, and what you're happy to offer. Because unfortunately the situation where you do loads and earn gratitude is almost always temporary before complacency sets in and it's the norm. You are at this point.

As a pp pointed out this isn’t or shouldn’t be the life of any parent. He speaks to you and treats you like that about your dss? He will be even worse if you have any dc together.

i agree, and also, it may not be a great idea to mingle finances with someone who is about to start a business.

long term relationship ... DSS4. Not that long term if DSS is only 4. When and why did he split up with DSS's mother?

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. Free nanny. He's not a good dad.

When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested. He's not a good dad.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold.
Was he really visiting premises?
Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.
Why did he need a shower??? [life has made me suspicious - going out, coming back needing a shower, and in a foul mood would give me spidey senses]

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.
Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.
He didn't need to thank you. You're the unpaid nanny.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.
Being self-employed is often a way of minimising income for CMS calculations.

Red flags all over the place @tokoyo .

Your SS sounds sweet, but his father isn't. I'd call off the wedding and dump your partner. He sounds like the type of person who will never appreciate what you do for him and always find a way to make things your fault. Seriously, think very deeply about what he adds to your life versus what he demands of you. Is it a fair trade? Does he make you happy more often than he brings your mood down? Does he frequently criticise but rarely praise? Now is the time to examine things closely.

I fail to see how he's a good dad when he isn't interested in looking at his child's drawings. As a parent, it doesn't matter how tired, grumpy or stressed you are, when you first get home and your child is excited to see you and wants you to look at your their drawings, you do so with enthusiasm... Or at the very least acknowledge them!

I'd say that this is a warning sign OP

He will make sure the business takes up all his time and attention, he'll be pretending to work to give him an excuse to ignore any domestic work. Any problems with the business will be OP's fault for expecting him to pay attention to his own son.

The MN phrase "Nanny with a fanny" springs to mind

The first red flag for me would have been the man with a baby/toddler already split up from the mother of his child. A young enough baby for you to have had a "long term relationship" and the kid is only 4 now...

Is this really the man you want as the father of your children?