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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this the life of a stepparent?

406 replies

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:01

I am in a long term relationship with DP, and we’re set to marry on Christmas Eve. We don’t have any shared DC, just DSS4.

DSS is a lovely little boy, we have a great relationship. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he goes to his mums! Me and his mum get on very well. DP is a good dad and is amicable with DSS mum, so it works nicely.

This morning DP said he was going to work for a few hours this morning and said I’d need to look after DSS. No problem - I organised a fun morning with creative play and a trip to the park. When DP got back DSS was excited to show him his drawings but DP wasn’t interested.

DP then announced he was getting a shower because he was cold. This was despite me entertaining DSS since 8am this morning! I just said ok and carried on playing with DSS. DP then came down and said he felt unwell and hungry. I asked what he’d like to eat - he said he didn’t know but he was “extremely hungry”. Since he’s come back the whole vibe has changed - we’re all now in silence watching television.

DP has snapped at me saying “I’m allowed to be quiet! I just am hungry”.

Not one little bit of thanks for stepping in to look after DSS or making his afternoon fun. Not a hello when he got back. Just off for a shower and scrolling on his phone.

I should add “work” is a very loose term. He’s setting up a business (apparently) with his friend so they went to see a new business premises this morning. He also said he’d be back by 1, but appeared at 2.

Aibu to think he should be more grateful for my support with parenting ?!

OP posts:
Ooogle · 26/10/2025 16:31

GlasgowGal2014 · 26/10/2025 15:30

He is telling you loud and clear that he believes your role as a woman is to look after him and his children; and that his role is to look after himself. Think long and hard about whether this is the life you want for yourself.

This is spot on

snemrose · 26/10/2025 16:33

OneAmberFinch · 26/10/2025 16:31

The first red flag for me would have been the man with a baby/toddler already split up from the mother of his child. A young enough baby for you to have had a "long term relationship" and the kid is only 4 now...

Is this really the man you want as the father of your children?

And also had previous ex girlfriends whose dc he treated as his own - all in the space of 4 years (at a maximum)

MO0N · 26/10/2025 16:35

snemrose · 26/10/2025 16:33

And also had previous ex girlfriends whose dc he treated as his own - all in the space of 4 years (at a maximum)

Show quote history

He was so good to these women, so paternal towards their children and yet apparently the relationships didn't last?

pinkfondu · 26/10/2025 16:37

There’s a couple of ways of looking at it op but it comes down to him being a shit partner and a shit dad either way.

is this what you want for your life?

Ellie56 · 26/10/2025 16:37

So called "D"P is not a good dad.

Good dads don't palm their children off onto their girlfriends to look after.

Good dads don't ignore their children when they want to show them what they have been doing.

Good dads don't shout and slam doors when their children are around.

As PP said you're the nanny with the fanny so not only is he a shit dad, he's a shit partner too.

I wouldn't be marrying him. It will only get worse.

Neverflyingagain · 26/10/2025 16:37

Seriously, @tokoyo you have a washing line of red flags here. I'm a step-mam, it was never expected or assumed that I would 'parent' them - either by my partner or their ex. Likewise, my partner never expected the kids other step-parent to 'just parent them'. The kids ended up with four parental figures who between us brought them up. Now because both steps had flexibility with jobs and generous holidays, we did do a lot of school holiday cover between us. It was never taken for granted.
Your soon-to-be husband is showing you his true colours. This is how it is going to be - you will be this child's mum figure in your home and you will do the bulk of child rearing. With just under two months to the big day, he probably figures he is home and dry. Think carefully about whether you do want to be a virtual single parent to your step-son. Your stbh is not going to appreciate anything you do. Quite the opposite - he sees it as your duty and you should know this. Make chauvinism at it's finest!

Houseleeks · 26/10/2025 16:41

Honestly, you really want to marry someone who talks to you like this? The step-parenting thing is a bit of a red herring. You're very useful to him but he has no respect for you. If he's like this now, what the hell will he be like in a year or two? What if you have children thrown in the mix? I've been married about four hundred years and my DH has never spoken to me like that, or vice versa.

Horses7 · 26/10/2025 16:41

Oh dear he’s got a nanny and housekeeper - no doubt with extra benefits too.
You need full and frank discussion on how he’s taking you for granted. Why did his marriage fail?
I’d be very worried about marrying such a prince amongst men.

sittingonabeach · 26/10/2025 16:43

How many women has DSS had in his short life?

eatsleeptutor · 26/10/2025 16:43

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

In what way did he treat any previous girlfriends' children 'like his own'? Did he do all the things with them he's expecting you to do with his ds? Or is it different for him because he's a man?

Do not have children with this man unless you want more of this - being the default parent. He's showing you right now what your life will be like if you do.

Think very carefully about whether that's what you want from being married.

Why is he no longer with the child's mother? Why did they break up? What is their relationship like now?

Are you always around when dss is with his dad? Or does he look after him on his own? Is that what you're there for?

StewkeyBlue · 26/10/2025 16:44

This business he is setting up:

Does he have an established income alongside this? What are his and your finances?

A 6 hour visit to potential premises on a Sunday??

Have you seen any proof of this visit? Has he said anything about how it went?

Maybe something wrt this venture went wrong and you are beating the brunt!

I think the issue here isn’t just step parenting but partnership, teamwork and communication. I.e my guess is he would have behaved like this when he returned even if there was no child in the mix.

Tbh I think if you are marrying someone with a young child with 50% residency it is unworkable to not be significantly involved and take a shared family responsibility towards childcare. Otherwise there are two relationships being juggled within the household. The parent and child and parenting, and parallel to that the adult relationship. You marry a man with a child the child becomes family,

But bio parents in thriving relationships check with each other that childcare cover is possible, don’t take each other for granted, and show appreciation.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 26/10/2025 16:44

There’s no expectation on your to look after DSS. He should be thanking you profusely, each and every time to help him out by looking after his child. I have no idea what possesses some parents to think anyone is duty bound to look after their child, with no thanks.

I am a SM, you need to asset your boundaries, and fast. Really though, as a SM of 15 years, I’d say run. It’s joyless and thankless and as you’re already finding, he seems to think making you look after his child is some of prized privilege.

BufferingAgain · 26/10/2025 16:44

Just Google ‘Mumsnet nanny with fanny’ … there are hundreds of these posts. A certain type of single dad just hunts out a free servant. Plus he’s already showing signs of having a nasty streak.

Previous stories suggest as soon as he’s got you hostage with a ring and pregnant, he’ll ramp it up x10.

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/10/2025 16:46

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

I can guarantee that his claim about dating women with children and treating them like his own is a downright lie.

He's gaslighting you. Please dump him.

Ddakji · 26/10/2025 16:46

From your latest post @tokoyo you absolutely mustn’t marry this man. He does not respect you one jot.

StarCourt · 26/10/2025 16:46

@tokoyo what would he have done if you weren’t there? Plus he sounds terrible at communication. I think i’d be postponing the wedding

frostedpixie · 26/10/2025 16:48

DP is a good dad

So was this an isolated incident then? Because this certainly doesn't sound like the behavior of a 'good dad'. If it's a one off then he's maybe just having a bad day. I'd still be informing him very clearly that this is unacceptable though.
He's a parent first. Whether he likes it or not.

Abracadabrador · 26/10/2025 16:48

The single mums he was previously porking- he clearly means by treating their kids like his own that he ignored them, and palmed them off to anyone around.

ButtonMushrooms · 26/10/2025 16:49

tokoyo · 26/10/2025 15:29

And no it’s not a one off. There’s much expectation that as we are a family I need to look after DSS. Which is fine, my problem isn’t with DSS. It’s with DPs attitude that it is my duty and I should do it quietly.

he actually said to me recently “I’ve dated women with children before you and I treated them like my own. SOMETIMES you treat DSS like your own but not always”. When I asked him to clarify when I didn’t treat him like my own he said he couldn’t put his finger on it.

I'm going to hazard a guess that his benchmark for a mum / stepmum is much higher than for a dad / stepdad. So "treating them like his own" when talking about his previous partner's kids probably doesn't look anything like what he expects from you.

Manchester1990 · 26/10/2025 16:50

It's 100% clear you should run a mile, but I fear you won't and i can see your future (it's not good.

Onekidnoclue · 26/10/2025 16:50

RUN

If before legging it you want to call bullshit on the fact she treated previous girlfriends kids as his own feel free as id put a decent chunk of money on the fact he’s no longer in contact with them or providing financial support. So no. He may have treated them well but he hasn’t treated them as his own. Unless the similarity is that he’s dumped responsibility for them on someone else then perhaps he is right. Either way please leave him.

Quamarina · 26/10/2025 16:50

OP if you are adamant about marrying this man then please consider pre-marital counselling as a condition of that, even relate do an affordable session. Prior to marrying DH I split up with him & moved out at great financial expense over similar disrespect because it was a final straw situation & I knew if I didn’t go straight away I’d stay. & it was devastating for all of us including the kids, but if i’d let that continue what example was I setting them? That it’s ok to be walked over & talked to like crap in their future relationships? I knew if I stayed I was setting myself up for contempt from them too in their later teen years (they were very young at the time). DH had become far too comfortable with me being their default parent & showing absolutely no respect for the fact that I’m not their parent, that they were there to spend time with him not me, and I was doing it all plus more.

I agreed to go to counselling with him (his idea) to see if the relationship could be salvaged & I’m happy to say there was an immediate shift, 8 years on it’s not slid back to that. He’s a far better parent and partner. For the children’s sake more than anything, he needed to change. If he’d not come to that realisation, which he wouldn’t if I hadn’t moved out, I’d never have considered it. I honestly felt like he’d split from their mum, struggled on (badly) for 2 years with the parenting, I arrived & he just assumed I would do everything ‘mum’ & sat back & relaxed & behaved like an asshole about it too. There were flags. I didn’t agree to meet them until a year in because I felt they’d had too much upheaval already (their parents split, reconciled, split again, mums new house, dads new house, mums new partner & moving house again with 4 new step siblings, new school, etc etc) but he was suggesting it 6 weeks in. I definitely think our outcome is the exception not the rule, I don’t think there are a lot of happy endings in stepparenting, but it literally took breaking up & counselling, him changing jobs to manage his own childcare & overall stepping up hugely compared to his previous parenting efforts. It doesn’t sound like your DP thinks there’s anything wrong with all of this.

ThatCyanCat · 26/10/2025 16:51

He's not very smart. The clever ones wait until you're actually married before letting on that your entire purpose is to do their parenting and life facilitation. He must think it's safe to start it early because there's no way you'd call off the wedding and avoid a life of this.

BufferingAgain · 26/10/2025 16:51

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a child, must be in want of a nanny with a fanny

JoemarIerseyes · 26/10/2025 16:52

Postpone the wedding for 6 months....Is it your house by any chance?