My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

[Granso]

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him).
Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.
If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices.

Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them.

I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years.
I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life.

AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

Wow. I think the first thing you can - must - do is repair the rupture in your relationship with your DD. And that includes fully accepting her husband. Are you ready to do that? Why did you disapprove so much?

I disapproved and she was only 21, she had just finished her own degree, had so many opportunities waiting for her, and gave it up to live in a country riddled with instability, have children young etc.
I just didn’t think it was a smart choice.

I agree the first thing to do is reconnect with dd. You can’t launch into full grandma mode, whilst obviously being kind, you have to accept that you are a stranger and there has been a lot of water under the bridge. You will also need to meet dd where she is now as an adult woman and a mother who has lived a different life in another country for a number of years. If possible, let her dictate the pace.

And how do you feel about it now? I think you need to make your peace with it really. I had kids late - my friend had her eldest at the same age as your daughter. Her career is doing much better than mine as once she was ready to commit to it a few years after me, she didn’t need to take any further time out. And now I’ve got teens and elderly parents at the same time…

I think you just need to be welcoming but without any expectations and definitely no pressure on either your daughter or the grandchildren so don’t go overboard on gifts etc in an effort to create a bond . It might be worth apologising for being less than supportive but only if you mean it

Let go of all your judgments and repair your relationship with your dd. If things are as you have said I cannot imagine she is hugely looking forward to living with you either. She has maintained a marriage, become a mother in difficult circumstances and without your support so be proud of her for doing so. Make them feel welcome, respect their parenting, their way of living and embrace who they are now. Moving back will be huge for them as a family so time for you to step up and be the mother she needs and wants. Tell her you love her and are proud of her.

I think I would have felt the same as you. However, it seems much progress has been made by them and you’re already reaching out with offering them a place to stay, financial help etc.

Just be optimistic. Encouraging. Hopeful. I mean you don’t have to force jollity but you can listen and support without saying much. I think bridges will be mended if you continue to show quiet, solid support.

Same with your granddaughters. You can show them the same warm hospitality.

I hope you’re feeling a bit excited.

Just welcome her with open arms uncritically. Not sure writing all about the ins and outs of your relationship history on MN is the best idea though.

It sounds to me that you are facing up to the fact you've been a dick - correct?

If that's the case the best thing to do is acknowledge that, explain that it was driven by worry but acknowledge that it was unjustified and unfair, and say you want to do better going forward.

She has had a huge amount on her plate so the chances are she won't have the bandwidth to hold a grudge, and by the time she does, you will hopefully have repaired things.

What a fabulous opportunity you are being presented with. I appreciate you feel what she did wasn’t a smart choice, but it also sounds pretty brave to me everything she’s done. When they land and come to your home, I would see it as day 1 of your new lives together and relationships moving forward. Don’t rehash how you feel what she did wasn’t smart. Be in awe that she’s raised 3 children in a foreign country. You sound so loving and kind, and being nervous shows you want to get it right. So be exactly that, loving, kind, no negative chat over what happened, I’m sure she knows how you feel so you don’t need to say it again. Maybe go out for a drive one night and just tell her you love her, you missed her and ask how you can be the support she, your SIL and the children need moving forward. Good luck. Xx

I don't blame you for disapproving but once she did it, she did it.

Why after that didn't you want to try and repair the relationship?

Still it's never too late, so good luck OP

I think it took some time to adjust to the fact she had actually done it. Then longer for her to being open to talking to us between 2018-2023 we spoke exactly 2 times, once when she had her first child and then after the port explosion where I called frankly just to find out if they were okay.
Since 2023 we have messaged more and called sometimes but it hasn’t been safe to visit and I think we’ve both had our guard up.

Not many people make smart choices when they are 21. They are full of life and adventure and want to explore the world and experience all there is out there. Getting a job and starting a pension pot are not very appealing at that age.

If she is happy with her life and her family then that is all that matters. Many people never get to experience that.

I would just try to start again, be friendly and welcoming and keep off contentious topics at least until you get to know each other again. I assume you are going to be delighted to see her and your granddaughters so let her see that you are, and be really nice to her husband, it does sound like their lives have been difficult and he has taken care of them all for you. Enjoy having them back and don't look for problems from the past.

You were right. Of course you were, but I know I could never have distanced myself from my daughter and her children, especially when they were in such an unsafe environment. You need to apologise to her from the bottom of your heart, and ask her to give you a chance to be the mother and grandmother you wish you had been. You’re being given a second chance. Grab it with both hands.

She's holding out the hand of forgiveness by coming to stay with you. Follow her lead, get to know her again & your son in-law & grandchildren. Let go of what has happened before, be grateful that you have this second chance & take it with both hands.

I am very excited to have them coming home. I plan to apologise for my behaviour over the last few years. I think part of me worried he had been grooming her so I reacted in an unhelpful way. I can see now she was just deeply in love. While life in Lebanon has been hard, he does have a promising career and DD has a degree in French and Italian so is thinking of doing a teaching qualification. I just want to make up for lost time more than anything. I also know it’s going to be really difficult for them all to be away from her husbands family who from what I can tell have shown DD nothing but love, acceptance and support.

She is likely to also feel anxious. As is he.

Welcome them; accept them for who they are and who she is now; take it one small step at a time.

Good luck!

Your poor daughter. She has been punished by you for the choices she made as an adult. She has had had 3 children, your grandchildren. You don't know them because you chose to continue to punish your daughter. From your responses you still hold the same feelings and resentments towards her.
While there are difficulties travelling to and from Lebanon people do it every day. Your daughter and her family have lived there since 2018 yet you didn't visit or it seems maintain regular contact.

You have had very little contact with your grandchildren despite there being different ways you could have fostered and developed a relationship. You have to repair the relationship with your daughter, firstly by regular contact before they arrive. How aware is she of your rather strong feelings? Should think she is stressed, dealing with your resentment of her choices and your lack of effort with both her and her family. You have a difficult road ahead if you don't adjust and try and build/rebuild new and damaged relationships.

You still seem very disapproving and also seem focused on how you’re feeling. No one is going to care what you think of her life choices now, that’s all done and in the past so don’t bring it up.

Just focus on telling her she’s doing well and that’s she’s a good mum and her children are lovely (whether you think it or not).

Wow. It’s a lot to face for all of you.

Her guard may well be up if she feels you were so disapproving of her choice back then. She may well be defensive and angry.

I think I would just start by saying you love her and missed her and are very very proud of her. And acknowledge that it will be a learning curve for everyone. There will need to be give and take on all sides. She is a different person to the 21 year who left. She’s had to learn to be an adult in an unsafe country. Be a mother. And navigate all of that without support from her family. Whether it was right or wrong or whether it was a sensible decision it was hers to make and it sounds like you now have an opportunity to build bridges and have her back in your life and your SIL and grandchildren.

It probably won’t be easy for anyone. I’m sure there will be lots of deep breaths and letting things go and niggles for everyone.

Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.

surprised she stuck it out then for so many years and with 3 young children

I plan to apologise for my behaviour over the last few years.

what has your behaviour been given you have had barely any interaction with her?

I was married and pregnant at 21 and had three wonderful children. It wasn’t until years later that my parents admitted that they had had concerns about me doing that so young. At the time, they were quietly supportive of my choices which I guess was their only option really without estrangement.

It has had many benefits - the fashion for having children later in life isn’t always the best choice. You are strong, flexible and fertile as a younger woman. You get to be very liberated by your forties. It has served me well now I am older.

If she’s done a good job bringing them up, tell her how proud you are of her and of them.

Hopefully with care and tact, love and by pushing aside judgement, you will thoroughly enjoy having three more grandchildren in your life. And it will be good knowing they are now safer than they were where they were living.

I don’t think she was willing to leave without her husband at all. She also made many great friends in Lebanon and said she felt the hardship was worth keeping her family together.