My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

[Granso]

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him).
Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.
If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices.

Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them.

I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years.
I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life.

AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

No I haven’t op
Not even close
So you are correct, I will defer to you on NC young child children

I think you are correct here and have a point, hard though it must have been.

Your DD was hurting, I assume. She knew that the lines of communication remained open to her, but she probably didn't trust herself to speak to you at that point without saying things that both of you might regret. So she needed time. You gave her time while also making clear (without being too full on and pushing her further away) that your door remained open.

As you say, it was the right call. She is now on her way back, with her husband and your three newest grandchildren in tow. There is a good chance here.

I wish you and all involved all the very best.

You openly and, by your own admission, quote viciously rejected her plans at 21 which I understand completely. As you say, she was a recent graduate with a whole life ahead of her but she decided to get married and move halfway across the world to a politically unstable country with him.

What I can’t understand is why your DH attended their wedding and you refused to. Why you then made little to no effort to contact her once she had children (your grandchildren ffs!) and why you’re using the situation in Beirut as an excuse for all of this.

If you had really tried, you could have arranged holidays with them to a safer resort, as she did with your DS. It sounds like you’re not short of cash so this wouldn’t have been an issue. You definitely have zero excuse for not trying to stay in touch as often as possible via teams/FaceTime or whatever.

Her children will have zero idea who you even are and it all stems from you having an issue with their dad but not even being able to drop that enough when they were born to forge a semblance of a relationship with them.

She’s giving you the opportunity to make things up to her now, don’t fuck it up. I think she’s doing this through desperation rather than choice in truth but hopefully you can fix this all the same. Sad situation.

I read OPs post.

All I had to say was that I can understand her massive concerns and that I wished her well! I really didn't feel I had anything else I wished to say! I am not sure that all replies need to cover every aspect of the OP!

Good luck OP!

I just want to update a little.
I have spoken to DD a little tonight.
She told me that the package they have offered covers visa fees, a £5000 relocation bonus and an offer of one months Accomodation.
She said they don’t want the months Accomodation as they can’t really guarantee where it will be and she would rather be in an area where she knows, where she has already researched schools and contacted them about tours and places and where they can immediately start to settle. She said that while what I said when she left and not coming to her wedding did hurt, she views it as water under the bridge as she now has her own children and understands why I was worried even if she can’t forgive or excuse what I said. She told me she just wants a clean slate and a fresh start for her family.
Obviously I’m more than happy for them to live with us until they find somewhere in the area they like to settle fully.

All sounds very positive and hopeful. Good luck!

That sounds good, and a way to draw a line under the worst of what has happened.

Take it with both hands. I'm glad you have this opportunity to rebuild now.

Delighted to read this.
OP, in your shoes I would have been 100% similarly concern.
We have refused several hugely lucrative post to the middle east over the years.
I would be appalled if faced with my daughter making such a move.
Fantastic that it has ended well, but honestly who knew that it would?
As your daughters children grow, I hope her understanding will grow.
I really wish you all the best.

Good update, OP. Wishing you and your family all the best with their move.

I’m baffled by this post. You seem to have decided ops son in law is some sort of pariah because he is lemon’s and doubled down to add that you find the whole of the Middle East unacceptable. Are there other regions of the world you simply can’t engage with? Why? This is just racism, and xenophobia surely? I wonder if it has crossed your mind that OPs grandchildren are lebonese Arabs?

She did indeed admit she messed up….. so she didn’t need the remark from you. She neither asked or needed your ridiculous comment

How many bedrooms do you have? Space for another 2 adults and 3 very young
children ?

We have a 5 bed. So DD and her husband will have a room, 2 of the children a room, a room for our 3rd granddaughter then we will still have the room our grandsons sleep in as they sleep over every other weekend.

Will be cosy
how many bathrooms?

So EOW there will be 5 young children and 4 adults? That’ll be interesting!

Is that Cosy? I’m sure many families have much less space!!
Our room and what will be DDs room have en-suites, then a family bathroom.

Yep, cosy!

I’m not sure I agree. On a short term basis and considering I grew up living with my 4 siblings, grandma, grandad and parents in a 4 bed.

Short term…. Have they got somewhere lined up or will your daughter be looking upon arrival?

and yes… cosy. To me. Not to you 🤷‍♀️

The past is the past, you don't need me or anyone else beating you up over it. You did massively mess up but you've acknowledged that.

This is an opportunity to make things better.

It does sound like your daughter is perhaps using you for comfortable accommodation in a convenient location for her family. Also no doubt, she is hoping that this will make her family financially comfortable with few bills, at least initially.

And why not! It's a practical solution and offers you this chance to make things better.

You just need to make sure that you go to great lengths to build bridges with her, her husband and their children. Enough so, that when they do move out, they will maintain a relationship with you going forward.

Not cosy at all. You’ll all have your own rooms, only 2 sisters need to share which is pretty standard in most families. And still a spare room for your grandsons….
Sounds amazing and I wish you all the best.
we all make mistakes - especially when our children are teens/early 20’s… it’s hard bloody work being a parent.

Im sure the reunion will feel a bit Wierd at first but you have 3 grand daughters to meet and they’ll break the ice for you and give you all a common interest - they’ll be keen to tell you about the children and you’ll be keen to hear all about them xx

Good luck and enjoy them xxxx

When are they due over op?
are they coming over with furniture? Or nothing because they’ve been living with family?