My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

[Granso]

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him).
Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.
If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices.

Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them.

I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years.
I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life.

AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

Have they sold their property in Lebanon, will they be aiming to buy here?
I'm surprised his employer didn't organise accommodation as part of a relocation package.

Yes

You’ve had a lot of advice here as to how to repair your relationship with your dd so I won’t add to that.

However having lived with my parents for a month when my kids were small I’d say brace yourself to absolutely keep your opinions on her parenting and the kids’ behaviour to yourself.

My dh comes from a non European country where the population is a lot younger than the UK, and children are encouraged to behave freely rather than submit to the tight behaviour requirements that Europeans tend to have of kids. Whenever any of his family come to stay with us I have to remind myself to keep smiling and accept the small children as they are. I expect you’ll have to suck up some behaviour that you wouldn’t have tolerated in your own children when they were the same age, but it’s really important that you do this for the sake of your future relationship with your dd’s family.

The best advice I can give you is to switch from "mother- daughter" dynamic to "adult to adult" dynamic. They will be doing things that you may not approve of but don't treat her like your child that needs advising or guiding. Do not give her your opinions unless they are asked for. Treat her like an equal in your home. I fully understand why you have offered for them to move in but with your fractured relationship this could go very badly. I hope that this will work out wonderfully for you both but be very mindful not to fall into old patterns.

They don’t own their property in Lebanon they have been living with her husbands family.
Im not sure if anything was offered but DD asked if they could stay with us. I think this is because all the schools in our area are very good but many have space due to dropping birth rates.

i would be very concerned about their financial situation

She isn't 'coming home' OP - your mindsets are still showing. She WAS home. In the home she made with her husband and children who knew no other home. Best not to phrase it like that.

Is part of your concern the fact that he is a different religion as well as a different culture?

21 was very young, but then so was he at 23. Your 'grooming' reaction was over the top - but an understandable way to rationalise your realisation that at their age they were not yet fully adult, despite their education and intelligence, and your anxiety about the separation, distance and potential dangers.

I think you made a huge mistake in maintaining the distance and coolness at a time when your support and acceptance and wisdom could have been so valuable to her, leaving her to puzzle it out herself. She has done a phenomenal job in creating a family under such conditions and deserves admiration and congratulations.

Beware trying to go over the top with advice and opinions on child rearing, behaviour etc etc. They'll be used to doing things differently plus what they may have been through may be alien to your experience. Respect that difference.

All the best - a lot of mending fences and building bridges construction work will need to happen. And a lot of listening and not too much opinion.

I’m well aware that they don’t have a lot of money. Partially as they don’t have much in the way of savings in USD and partially as the currency conversion is so bad.
However the job is very well paying, he has been given a sign on bonus I believe I’m not sure of all the details.
But yes it’s obvious they are going to need financial support from us. We are able to provide this, we have our son the deposit for his house so we owe DD the same anyway.

I was born in Lebanon as dad was working over there for a few years. From what I remember dad telling me, Lebanese people are incredibly kind, nice and generous to a fault too. Dad made the mistake in admiring something in someone's house and the family tried their best to give it to him! If the hubby is anything like my dad described them then you have even more a lovely family on their way over.

Am sure you guys are going to enjoy so much being back in each others lives and you getting to know her hubby and their children. Just be kind, make up for lost time and being judgemental and let them take the lead somewhat. Enjoy having them home!

They have never managed to move out of his parents home.
They don’t have an asset to sell and buy in the UK

Oh well that's good. They're used to living with others so it won't be suffocating for them.

You'll feel like you're walking on eggshells initially I'm sure, be hard for you and your dh to have 3 young kids in your house for starters with all the mess and noise.

I hope it works, it seems a big ask really as things have been so shakey you'd think a rental would be the best bet until you're all fully relaxed with each other and past issues resolved.

I’m unsure about how they balance religion in their family tbh that’s something DD and I have to talk about. He is Muslim but DD claims the children aren’t really religious and neither of them push their personal beliefs on the children. But they do all celebrate both Ramadan and Christmas etc.

He has sponsorship for a very well paying role but they are providing nothing by way of support for the international move?

If you are up for apologizing then this will be a good start i reckon! Even if your DD should also be apologizing, she probably wont. Kids take parents for granted at all stages of life. I did the same in my 20’s after a rift with my mum. Looking back i should have apologized too! It will be bumpy for sure but hopefully amazing opportunity for you all to be together! Good luck!

It wasn’t money holding them back from moving out of his parents. They just didn’t want to. His parents are both quite unwell so DD was providing them with care. Now his sister is an adult and will be taking over this. From what I’ve been told multigenerational living isn’t that uncommon in Lebanon. It’s not seen as a stop gap the way it is in the UK but just a genuine choice people make because they want to.

I believe he’s being given a bonus for moving but a lot of that will go into seasonally appropriate clothes, flights etc.
I think DD just wants to live with us. I think she is probably a little worried about moving back and wants to feel like she has a support network built in.

A decent sponsorship for a well paying role would include extensive support for an international move for a family from Lebanon

if is doesn’t, then it’s a poor sponsorship deal, very poor

The impression I get is that this is a desperate family. Desperate to get out of Lebanon, possibly away from his family and consequently they are will to do anything necessary.

I wouldn't describe that as "a pretty horrible thing". The word that springs to mind is "unforgivable".

Why would you worry re grooming? Grooming for what? Also, Lebanon is very diverse, and Beirut is very western8sed, esp.christian population.

You come across as really self aware on this thread, and totally holding your hands up with honesty about your past reactions. That will mean so much to your daughter. She sounds impressive - you should be proud. I think you’re all going to be fine, just respect her as a matriarch in her own right, respect their parenting choices. This could be great for all of you.

I’m going to be honest
DD hasn’t shared all of the details, and I haven’t asked as I’m terrified of looking like I’m prying. She has told me it’s well paid and mentioned a bonus.
DD asked to live with us, maybe she thinks she needs to get us fully on side again so we will help with a house deposit like we did for DS which I’m sure she will know about as she has remained close to him. So thinks moving in will both make us want them out of our hair so more likely to offer and perhaps make us feel like she genuinely wants a relationship.
We will offer the help with the deposit either way though so she doesn’t actually need to go through all that but perhaps that’s her thinking.

So what if it a poor deal? It's staggeringly expensive to move to the UK. And we struggled to rent anywhere even with offering 6-12 months up front. A soft landing with family is always going to make the transition easier. The employer made an offer, he took it. Not all relocation packages are generous.

I'd be honest and tell her this. Likely she already knows but if you start with this and then say that you've missed her and are hoping that you can have a good relationship with her as well as her husband and the children I think that will set things up for her to be happy to have you back in her life.

The NHS routinely offers sponsorship and provides absolutely nothing at all other than the visa fee.