My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

[Granso]

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him).
Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.
If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices.

Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them.

I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years.
I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life.

AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

Not for a very well paid senior role

Exactly. Plenty move for the opportunity alone.

Also I’m not sure they were too worried about how good the package is I think they just want to move back to the uk for the sake of their children’s education etc. and what I imagine looks like incredible political stability when coming from Lebanon.

I think people should cut op some slack. It is entirely possible for someone of a similar age to groom another person when the target is vulnerable. It’s lovely your dd has given you a second chance op and she has totally proven how strong and resilient she is. I hope the apology for being distant and concerned will extend to her dh and that as a family you can all move on.

Have a frank conversation with her about financial help etc. Bring it out into the open.

Wow, just wow, how utterly exciting for you all.
You sound really lovely and appear to have done some valuable soul searching.
I know you will welcome your dd, dsil and beautiful gds with warm open arms.
Relax and enjoy 🫂

You what now? So secretly you think your daughter's motivation for moving back in with you might be her being a gold digger?

We will offer the help with the deposit either way though so she doesn’t actually need to go through all that but perhaps that’s her thinking.

well you have a lovely view of your DD OP

🤔

Did you get something personally from repeating back to her the worst version of what she’s already acknowledged?

Oof…. This isn’t a very generous outlook on her intentions. I’d be careful with your continued interpretation of your daughter.

It sounds like you still have some less than positive feelings about her. I’d get that in check if you want to have an open relationship with her.

It may well be a normal thing to live with husbands or wifes parents in Lebanon. Not every country is so obcessed with children moving out as UK is.

Don't beat yourself up op. It's done and you not only admit fault but your willing to apologise and be humble. That's a lot than most people can do. Apologise say it was misguided but coming from a place of love. Your proud of her and want to draw a line under it. I can't imagine I'd be delighted if my dd wanted to move away at 21 either. I'd be sad, you can only hope you'd be humble. We're aren't a perfect species.

Sounds like you the means to help them and build bridges. It's really painful having these conversations with adult kids who point out we got things wrong. But from my experience as a child with unperfect mum, all I really wanted was to feel heard. Not sure I needed an apology as much as a realisation of what had happened. You can't go back in time but you can change your joint future

Are you saying that your SO thinks she's only after your money? Not her dad I assume? Anything to do with the breakdown in communication with you and DD?

No sorry I didn’t mean SO, just so. My husband is her father.

So you and her dad think she's only after money?
This is really sad. You won't be able to rebuild this relationship unless you work on your attitude towards her.
Did her dad make any effort to stay in touch with her?

Honestly? Op you sound awful.

• You think he groomed her at 21 and 23?
• You feel she is only moving in with you because she is after money.
• You did not keep in touch with her or even attempt to visit her for 5 YEARS
• You are worried about "how they approach religion in her household"

You come across as a racist, bigoted snob.

You need to quite seriously change your outlook if your going to repair this even a tiny bit.

The 'adult to adult' comment I agree with. Whilst I think you were completely wrong to allege grooming, to be concerned about someone marrying at 21 was a valid one in my opinion.

They’ve been on holiday to UAE, Jordan, Egypt, Cyprus, Greece and Turkey

I don’t understand why you didn’t go and visit them in Greece or Turkey if Lebanon was too dangerous?

Don’t worry OP. Your DD can’t be that annoyed with you if she’s going to come and live with you and accept your money!

Well, if you're moving to be head of a national area for a massive multinational then yes, there'll probably be an offer for costs of moving to sweeten the deal. But not everyone means that when they say "well-paid senior role" and not all companies offering "well-paid senior roles" can afford the bells and whistles that some companies can.

@Weekendwatch also, in some other cultures that place more value on close relationships in extended families, it's absolutely normal for a couple to move in with the husband's family once they're married and nothing to do with desperation or poverty.

Indeed

So my point is, the OP needs to have an open and frank discussion regarding finances and future plans.

Shocking that you and your husband think it’s a possibility your daughter is after your money

I think that would be nice if manageable, but it might be more than their relationship can bear at the moment. The DD's going to be looking for signs of judgment, and OP has said here that she thinks DD might be motivated by money, so it feels to me like things could be very fragile as it is and that sort of conversation might go really badly if they haven't spent a bit of time trying to mend the bigger schism first.