My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

[Granso]

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him).
Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.
If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices.

Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them.

I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years.
I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life.

AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

It's very sad. And OP's DD wouldn't be a terrible person for hoping that her parents might help her out in the way that they helped out her brother.

Oh gosh what a terrible situation. Could you offer the money before she even comes over? That would allow her to consider possibly getting her own space for her family without needing to spend time living with you? She could make an unpressured decision then? She may feel forced to come and stay

There’s a huge difference between being worried and then going no contact with your DD for years on end. As a mother, she should have still supported her DD.

Was there a reason you couldn't have met up with them in Greece or Cyprus? You mentioned not being able to visit them in Lebanon which is understandable but if her brother was able to meet them in other countries, why didn't you?

I'm not asking to be facetious but you need to think about what you're saying are your reasons for not being in contact in case your DD asks you.

You'll need to be completely honest with her if you want the relationship to improve.

I think you have alot of bridge mending. And I think you have to do alot of running and alot of apologising.

Adding to this, the messages (OP) you give the DD about Lebanon are important. Lebanon is utterly beautiful with wonderful people and amazing food. There are vast swathes of the world (the whole of Africa, the Middle East and lot of Asia) that are seen as war-torn, third world hellholes by Westerners. The fact that you thought she was mad to go there, and must be groomed to marry someone from there, speaks to deep prejudice. This will leak out.

OP, be curious, be accepting, be positive about the country and the people. Don’t justify your behaviours with more ignorance, “of course I didn’t visit, it’s so dangerous”. Accept that many people travel, work and live there perfectly happily. Ask about it, and try to see it, him, her and the kids in a positive way, understanding more about their culture, both as Lebanese residents and their family culture.

All the best.

I’ll leave you with a joke told to me by a Lebanese man,

God looked at Lebanon and said, “I will give you the best food, the best water, the most beautiful land, the friendliest people, the most wonderful weather”. The Lebanese asked God, “what have we done to deserve all this?” God said, “well just wait until you see the neighbours.”

Of course I understand Lebanon is a beautiful country with wonderful people, food, history and natural landscape. DD has told me about the skiing, how wonderful she thinks Beirut is and how she loves to visit.

However the political turmoil, the terrorist activity, declining currency and the situation with their neighbours cannot be ignored. The FCDO had it totally as do not visit under any circumstances until early this year, now I believe some areas are okay to visit but much of the country remains as do not travel or only travel if essential. That’s not to mention covid as well which made travel impossible and was then closely followed by the do not travel.

DS and DD would never tell us when they were meeting up in Cyprus or Greece so clearly DD wasn’t ready for us to see them and that’s understandable as frankly I was horrible to her before she left including refusing to go to her wedding. I cannot justify this it was inexcusable on my part.
Over the last 2 years we have been slowly rebuilding the relationship. It wasn’t just that I went no contact with DD but she did with me too, I couldn’t force myself back into her life, now she wants us in her life we can rebuild slowly but for much of the time it wasn’t just my choice.

I think the first thing you need to do is apologise to them both in person for the way you’ve behaved. You’ve skirted around it but it sounds to me as though your white daughter met a brown skinned Arabic man and your reaction when she said she was moving to his country, even after two years of being together, was to accuse him of trying to groom her? I would not be surprised if he believes you are islamophobic/xenophobic.

I hope that you are able to repair your relationship but I think for that to happen you have to be prepared to eat some humble pie. You haven’t seen her in the flesh for five years. Why didn’t you try to repair earlier/meet her and your grandchildren in one of the many countries they have been on holiday to? I’m wondering just how awful you’ve been to her.

You’ve been given a chance to make things better. I would treat it like the blessing that it is and warmly embrace all of them, acknowledging openly where you went wrong and giving them space and time to come to terms with it.

Just seen that you refused to go to her wedding. It does sound like you’ve been quite racist, tbh.

'God looked at Lebanon and said, “I will give you the best food, the best water, the most beautiful land, the friendliest people, the most wonderful weather”. The Lebanese asked God, “what have we done to deserve all this?” God said, “well just wait until you see the neighbours.”

Your Lebanese pal forget to mention hezbollah who are dangerous enough without mentioning any 'neighbours'.

I've met and worked with many Lebanese, all very keen to leave their chaotic dangerous country. Might have nice weather I'll give you that.

but for much of the time it wasn’t just my choice.

I'm sorry, OP, but this is a bit disingenuous.

She might have been an adult but, within the context of your relationship with her, you were the adult.

She was reacting and responding to you but you drove it. She did not have an equal part to play in the breakdown of your relationship.

I can understand having concerns but I can't imagine turning my back on either of my children in this way.

Do not put the blame on her in any way when they return. No, "I know I was in the wrong but you also..."

She had no choice; her mum turned her back on her.

Wow. So many assumptions from you. Lebanon is a beautiful country and you would have had been safe to visit in the early years of your daughters marriage and motherhood. I have British friends who visit the country frequently and no harm has ever come to them.

Agreed
I’d have put aside whatever I think of partner
I’d have made him feel welcome

For my DD’s sake

It doesn’t sound like you even attempted to reconnect with her. Fine if you didn’t want to visit but you should have been FaceTiming your grandchildren at least weekly. It’s one thing to be nervous, worried or scared about her choices but to cut her off and not know your grandchildren is really horrific. I hope you are able to rebuild.

OP, this all sounds hard. I feel for you. I hate the thought of my dd moving away especially to a dangerous country and for a man, at age 21. I feel your pain. I hope she’s not after your money like you suggested, do you think she’s just matured a bit now and wants to be close to you? Her own mother who she hasn’t been nearby for years while she became a mother herself. She might just want to continue living in a multigenerational household like she has done for years. I would try let her settle, give her space but try spend some quality time with her when she can, suggest an evening out or something? Suggest a few family days out also? Make some meals for the whole family in a gradual/ welcoming way. Could you have a call with her and husband or her alone (ask what she prefers) and maybe ask what she needs from you when they arrive ? Bring it up gently that you’d like to be involved in their lives but at a gradual pace.

It’s a joke. Laughing through pain type of thing. It’s not a political treatise.

And OP, saying ‘the situation cannot be ignored’? I’m not suggesting you ignore it. I am suggesting that your negative thoughts and feelings about Lebanon aren’t something you need to share. They know far better than you about the challenges. I’m suggesting when you talk to them, you are curious about the good things about Lebanon and the Lebanese people. Ask questions, be open to learning, assume nowhere is ‘bad’. You will be tempted to justify your behaviour using negative thoughts and feelings. If you do this, you will fail to rebuild the relationship. If you go in with a positive, ‘wow I didn’t know that’ attitude, there’s a chance.

So you didn't go to her wedding, ignored her for years aside from a message when she had children? My goodness. If you thought she was being groomed you should have been doing everything you could to maintain contact! Were you sending birthday cards, presents for the kiddos? Did her dad also skip the wedding?
You're very lucky she's open to any sort of relationship to be honest. Grovel OP and hope she and her DH are nicer than you.

We sent her money every birthday and Christmas, my husband did go to the wedding (he was very much in the mind that it may be his only chance to walk his daughter down the aisle and he wasn’t going to miss that). We of course send presents for the children’s birthdays and Christmas and DS often showed us pictures of the children. We did want to be closer but like I said following the birth of their second child DD simply didn’t reply to us and we didn’t connect again for 2 years, I continued sending money, cards etc over those two years.

I wish I could go back and do things differently but I think it’s hard to know how you will react in a situation until you are in it.

I think you need to be careful about how yiubsell the teo the two living room thing; I'm sure it's meant kindly tjat they can habe one to themselves but might seem thst you don't want then to be with you in "your" room at all

OP really doesn't have a high opinion of her daughter, does she?! 😳

And you forgot to mention the reason Hezbollah was created @Gloriia

But this isn't the thread for that - which you well knew when you responded to a Lebanon positive post to the OP.

Youre putting a lot of the blame on your daughter for not replying after you messaged when their second child was born. The damage was already long done by then.

If my daughter was moving to another country, where their treatment of women was poor, and I thought she was being groomed, I'd be walking to Lebanon to see her if I needed to.

The whole living with you scenario is going to be a car crash.

We see on mn every day how family relationships break down. You kept things open your side by sending cards etc. You couldn't make her respond and I don't think it's helpful that some posters seem to be enjoying sticking the boot in.

Mistakes were made, you recognise that and want to make amends. Hopefully this is the perfect opportunity. Just go slow and be careful as obviously everyone will be a bit emotional about the whole situation.

@Granso, I take my hat off to you for being able to reflect on your past behaviour and recognise how very wrong you got it. Not everyone is capable of such self reflection or of admitting when they have made mistakes.

It seems to me like you are genuinely sorry for what happened in those early years, and if you can somehow convey that to your dd and her DH, then that will count for a lot. However, I would just caution you against expecting too much too soon. Not trying to rub it in, but your behaviour must have been unbelievably hurtful for your dd, and for her DH too, and they won't be able to just forget what happened. In your shoes, in addition to an apology, I think you need to acknowledge that you can't undo the wrongs of the past and that they can't be fixed overnight, while letting them know that you want to make it up to them now in whatever way you can.

Be prepared, too, for the fact that your dd may not be thrilled to be back "home". For all of the challenges that life in Beirut may have presented, she had built her adult life there, and it will be tough starting again from scratch back here. Read up on reverse culture shock so that you are able to relate a bit better to what she is going through.

Be supportive, be kind and avoid any judgment or criticism of how she does stuff - remember that she has learnt to parent in a very different culture. Also, be patient, be consistent, expect some setbacks along the way and try not to take it personally when your dd misses her life in Lebanon. This is a huge adjustment for her and it will be really tough. But I'm sure that you will be able to rebuild this relationship over time if you really want to put the effort in.