My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

[Granso]

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him).
Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.
If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices.

Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them.

I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years.
I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life.

AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

I agree that OP has been very honest, measured and thoughtful on this thread. Hopefully, she and her daughter will be able to reconcile and build bridges and OP will be able to built a loving relationship with her three grandaughters.

However, I am still shocked that OP's reaction to her daughter getting married and moving to Lebanon was to cut her off and refuse to attend the wedding. It was happening with or without her, but surely she would want to maintain a relationship with her daughter in these circumstances even more than if she was happy and approving about the wedding, so that she would be there to support her DD if her worst fears were realised.

I think you were entirely reasonable to have massive concerns. Let's hope your daughter and her family can have great futures, and good luck in re-building your relationship with her and forging relationships with the rest of her family.

Exactly
This is what I struggle with

Supposedly very worried about grooming

Response: cut child off

I don’t think the OP wanted to cut her daughter off. I think she backed herself into a corner in a situation where she hadn’t enough time to process things and she sounds like an honest and forthright character.

I think that maybe she hadn’t yet accepted that at 21 her daughter was an adult and entitled to her autonomy. This was a mistake, but one that lots of middle class/posher parents make, it seems cultural.

Can I just make it so perfectly clear that there was no point at all I was ever closing down communication or not replying to DD. I never once ignored her. DD went no contact with us which I understand as I hadn’t been supportive.

Also for those saying if you thought she was being groomed etc. I could not force her to talk to me when she didn’t want to.

I never got the impression that you did cut off contact with your DD. You were clear that you didn't.

You did back yourself into a corner by refusing to go to the wedding so contact became sporadic/occasional because of the difficult relationship.

It seems reparable though, so I hope you and DD can start finding your way through soon. There may be bumps in the road, and all of you living under one roof could throw up tensions, but there is a good chance.

Good luck to you all.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Non-existent halo 😇 polished. What about yours?

It might be the type of thing some would use the Stately Homes threads for, but I doubt it in this case.

OP has come across as very honest and contrite here, and willing to work on repairing the relationship.

So do I. If our 21 yr old decided she was moving to an unstable ME country I'd have been horrified too. Things escalate, people are human and we all make mistakes. The op has recognised she has, let's hope the dd has too.

I think you are just racist. Would you have acted the same if she’d moved to Italy and married an Italian? You say she wanted to see the world, she has! You say you didn’t want her to marry young and have children but it’s NOT your life. You don’t get to choose what others do with their lives.
Give her a deposit for a house or don’t but if my parents had acted as you did and refused to even attend my wedding I really would never feel the same about them again. I’m so glad your husband was there for her, and her brother has kept the relationship going.

Yes reasonable to have “massive concerns”

But would this be your reaction to having “massive concerns” about your very young adult? To have nothing to do with them for years, to wave your husband off to her wedding but you don’t go, to miss 3 births?

Not mine. In fact the polar opposite reaction to mine.

Why do I have to comment further? My post said everything I wanted to say.

Are you only allowed to comment if you're willing to write a full essay explaining exactly what you would have done and listing everything good bad or indifferent that OP did?

What a peculiar response!

I didn’t go no contact with the DD, DD went no contact with me. I continued to send birthday cards and Christmas cards, I text her big family announcements.
What do you suppose I should have done? Forced myself on her when she didn’t want me?

Yes I should have gone to her wedding and I shouldn’t have accused her husband of grooming her and I regret these. But it was also so out character and you find me a mother who wouldn’t be worried!

Oh I’d have been worried

but I would have sucked it up and remained very very present in my young adult daughter’s life

I continued to send birthday cards and Christmas cards, I text her big family announcements.

And this is you trying?

How do you remain present when they don’t want you present? That’s what I’m asking you.
How do you visit when they won’t reply to texts or acknowledge a sent card?

I felt like I had to raise to DD that I thought she was being groomed honestly I regret this but at the time I don’t think it was the most outlandish idea.

Written to them.

I am so truly sorry. I was wrong. Just a worried mum and I said things thoughtlessly.

I desperately want to be there for you my girl. I love you very much and so look forward to visiting you asap.

In the meantime let me know if I can do anything practical to help with the logistics of this exciting move.

And in addition to the above letter to my daughter, I’d have written to her partner to apologise if I had made life tricky by being so quick to judge, and that I look forward to really getting to know him. And I hope he can forgive me.

I tried to apologise at the time, it was too little too late in the moment and DD wanted nothing to do with me. It was hard to argue fear or worry as she was still talking to DS and would reply to DH so it very much became she just didn’t want to talk to me . I felt like I was better to respect that, respect her choice and considering we have been getting closer over the last 2 years and she is moving back and to live with us I think that might have been the right choice. If I’d been more forceful I might have pushed her away for good.

You tried to apologise at the time

over the many years that followed you could have written to her the above

But now you and your dh think it’s a possibility she is only doing so in order to get money from you both!!

Wonderful that she’s coming back. Wishing you all the luck in making things right between you.

I continued to write cards, I continued text.

I don’t know if you have ever had a child go no contact with you? But sometimes It really doesn’t matter what you are saying, they have made their mind up and you have to respect that unless you want to push them further away.

She cut off contact with you because you accused her husband who was basically the same age as her of "grooming" her, and you didn't go to her wedding. It is due to your behaviour that your daughter went no contact with you.

If I were you I would do absolutely everything in my power to repair the relationship with your daughter. Apologise to both her and her husband for your behaviour, and do your best to be involved in your grandchildren's lives too. I feel as though you’ve left it all too late as you should have apologised for the grooming accusation and not attending her wedding many years ago. Hopefully your daughter is more forgiving than I would be and is open to the possibility of a reconciliation and wishes to move forward.