My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

[Granso]

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him).
Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.
If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices.

Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them.

I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years.
I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life.

AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

Well my response to her going in the first place was to accuse her husband of grooming her. So I think that’s a pretty horrible thing I did that I need to apologise for.

Obviously marrying young bla bla. This is what we do as women, do, marry and have kids. She is coming back with the same husband and 3 children. Apparently they are happy, strong, financially capable, overcoming immense hardship and never begged for mercy. She is a hero

And he too will be living under your roof?

I would avoid playing the "wonderful grandma" role. Having unsupportive parents that then model themselves as the best thing since sliced bread to grandkids is endlessly grating. Even if you mean well and want to make up for lost time.

Also, I would be on best behavior when it came to advice, or anecdotes what either you did when your children were young, or what your son did. Frankly, she's done the hard yards in difficult conditions without a jot of support from you, so you don't get to share your opinions on much about her parenting etc.

Hopefully you come back to a decent relationship, but there are mountains of humble pie for you to eat, OP.

Will they be living with you? You are going to have to tiptoe into this, it will be hard sharing space, especially with small kids round.
Can you find them their own space? Going from barely speaking as you disapproved of her life choices to moving in is a huge leap.

Yes just until they settle and get a place of their own.

How old was her husband when she married him? Why did you feel it was grooming?

Yes this will be tricky to navigate. I think we are going to say that one lounge is there’s, plus their bedroom and 2 rooms for the children. If they are in the second living room in the evening then we will know that is them saying they don’t particularly want to chat and we won’t intrude. So it’s more just kitchen space being shared always, I know DD prefers for her children to eat with them a bit later while DH and I eat earlier so I won’t force big family meals every night either.

He was 23, so not much older than her at the time. I don’t know fully why I thought that, prejudice, and feeling it was an out of character decision for my DD to want to move to a country that wasn’t known for being safe etc.

It's a good sign that they will be staying with you temporarily until they are properly settled. If your DD didn't want to reconnect then they wouldn't choose to stay with you.

Your DD and her DH are now a solid family unit so they have stood the test of time. You need to accept your SIL. Why did you accuse him of being a groomer? Is he older?

It is natural to be nervous given what has gone on before but you just need to be welcoming and non judgemental. Good luck.

Your daughter is now a Mother and will hopefully have a greater understanding of your desire to protect her.

You have admitted you were wrong and are willing to apologise,you are half way there.

I wish you all well, let us know how it goes. We

It is going to be hard for all of you but do you think once the reality of living UK sinks in with them, they will want to return to Lebanon?

The children are going to find it very difficult also unless they have been to other countries rather than Lebanon

You haven't been a dick, you are half of this relationship. I think you need to set out some basic expectation in this that she also needs to make amends and let the past go. You have been hurt and rejected too and thats real and valid. It must be absolutely terrifying welcoming them home and wanting so desperately for it to work. It will only work if there is effort from both sides. Don't be too hard on yourself and accept that it probably isn't going to be perfect for a long time. And whatever you do, dont listen to people on mumsnet who call you names x

'This is what we do as women'. Erm, no it isn't. I agree that the OP was wrong to express her disapproval to her daughter, and as it happens, she was wrong about her son in law. However, I can completely understand why she felt as she did. I would not be happy at the idea of anyone settling down at 21, especially not a woman who is more likely to be saddled with the kids if the marriage goes wrong.

Name changed. I was in a similar situation to your daughter in that I moved abroad and had two children in quick succession in a country not terribly far from Lebanon, but politically stable. My mother came once and never returned as 'there was nothing to see'. All through my first and second pregnancies she made comments about how my kids were strangers to her, they didn't know her, how sad it was, how hurtful it was etc etc. Eventually the guilt got too much and I moved home when I was pregnant with my third. She was so hostile to me due to how pushed out she'd felt about the previous two children that once the baby was born (in the UK) I paid extra for a fast track passport for the baby and was on a plane back to the other country when baby was 5 weeks old.

If my mother apologised to me and told me she was proud of me, and made an effort to be supportive and affirmative of my choices, I would probably still be there now. It's a would that I will never fully heal from and I still live abroad now. It's such a shame that she couldn't see me as a strong and capable woman who did a brave and really cool thing. Instead she saw me as a disappointment for taking her grandchildren away from her. It's painful. Do the right thing and hold your arms open.

Yes I’m concerned about the children settling in too. They’ve been on holiday to UAE, Jordan, Egypt, Cyprus, Greece and Turkey but I wouldn’t say any of these countries are comparable to the uk. Also the older two children are school age (reception and year 1) but in Lebanon they were still pre-school age. Also just a language perspective of they have mostly been speaking Arabic and French in Lebanon though I know my DD has exclusively been speaking to her children in English since they were born.

Ignoring someone is still powerful 'behavior'!

OP, I feel, has to apologise unreservededly for this... And acknowledge how difficult this would be for her DD, not having her mum's support for this major transition of moving country and having three kids.

And mean it!

Op I am reading that you have pretty much been no contact with your dd for the last five years. Not even making an effort with the arrival of your grandchildren ( 2&3) The depth of your disappointment and resentment radiates throughout this thread.

You have the opportunity to tell her you are sorry unconditionally and tell her how much this second chance means to you and dh. This will be your last chance op, I suspect, so you absolutely must say you have let her down and you regret every year that has passed without seeing her, her lovely dh and gc. That your decision at the time was from a place of fear but you are proud of her and love her unreservedly.

Please listen to how this impacted her. Even if it’s so hard to hear.

It is imperative that they feel welcome. Run her hot baths, be a mother, have special toys wrapped and ready for dc. Be extremely welcoming of her dh. Make sure you go out often to give them space to adjust. Baby sit so they can go out together. Don’t rush it. Remain open, loving and accepting.

So you now definitely do not think he groomed her?

I totally agree

but no harm enquiring

OP, it sounds like you’ve engaged in self-reflection and you regret your behaviour. Definitely a conversation 1:1 with your daughter involving an apology is the most important thing. She needs to know you are on her side in life, and to experience your support and love firsthand. Once reparations have been made and trust is built, the rest will likely follow very naturally. Not everyone has enough humility to admit previous poor form and put their relationships first - you have a chance here to enjoy your family even more. Grab it with both hands!

It's so sad that they've traveled so much, but you haven't managed to seen them. Could you not have joined them on a break in a 3rd country?

No certainly not. He has been encouraging her to come back with the children herself until he could find a job as obviously life in Lebanon wasn’t ideal but she refused and said she would rather stay together as a family. I see no signs of grooming now and honestly it’s hard to say I seen them then, they had been together for 2 years in the UK before they left which I guess doesn’t match the typical signs either but at the time I was just terrified and grasping.

Op, it is absolutely normal to have had concerns like you had as a parent. I remember when I worked in the ME I had a Lebanese bf and my parents were horrified thought he was just after a western wife etc and tried to talk me out of it. I didn't marry him but absolutely I had no hard feelings about their concerns at the time.

Different I know as your dd moved there and had a family but you sound like you've built bridges or else they wouldn't want to stay with you.

Just apologise, get that out of the way, then make a new start. How lovely to have them back but obviously it'll be a bit of a culture shock for the kids so try to have very low expectations. Good luck!

Is her husband much older than your dd op? Why ever would you think she was being groomed?

Apologies if you are genuinely seeking advice but something about this thread seems a bit off to me. You have been handed a second chance which is wonderful. You are allowed to be very nervous in the circumstances, I get that, but why would you want to risk jeopardising your reunion by putting such a specific post out on the internet?

So the first thing I would do is ask for this post to be taken down. And the second thing I would do is just chill and take things slowly. Let your new relationship settle and re-adjust naturally, and then, when the moment is right, take your dd out to lunch or a walk and have a heart to heart then, not immediately she walks in the door. This is about her and her family now. Good luck.

Edited: apologies x post - see you have already explained non-founded grooming worry. You definitely need to apologise though.