My DD is finally coming home - I’m nervous

[Granso]

My DD is in her late 20s. At 21 in 2018 she moved to Lebanon, she got married (she met her husband in the UK while she was a student but he was unable to secure work after uni so he had to return home and she went with him).
Since then she has had 3 children who are 5, 4 and 2.
Obviously life in Beirut has been pretty horrific, from the explosion, political and economic instability, black outs often etc.
If I’m totally honest we have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD, it hasn’t been safe for us to visit her, she has small children so hasn’t visited us and in all honesty we haven’t been all that supportive of her life choices.

Anyway, her husband has now managed to secure a job with sponsorship for the uk and they are moving back. We’ve offered for them to stay with us until they are fully on their feet. We also offered some financial help settling although her husband will be earning well and DD will get work too but they won’t be bringing much with them.

I’m so nervous I have never met my 3 granddaughters, my son has 2 little boys so I’m used to being a grandma but I’ve never met these children, I’ve hardly even spoke to them on FaceTime as well I haven’t been the most supportive mother these last few years.
I have no idea what sort of person my DD is now, I can’t really imagine her as a mother. I want to make them feel welcomed and settled and I’ve missed DD endlessly and been so sad to not be a part of her life.

AIBU to be so nervous? Does anyone have any advice for me?

I moved back to the UK with my foreign dh and child around 15 years ago, so that our child could have better educational opportunities. It was a huge reverse-culture shock, and it was hard for my dh, who had been the one with all the contacts/knowledge in his home country, to suddenly be wholly dependent on me to sort out all the home admin etc because UK systems were so different to those he was used to. Looking back on it, I think he was a bit depressed for the first five years, until he made a group of friends from his own country and they had little ex-pat meet-ups, which helped no end.

I'm just trying to say that this move will bot be easy for any of them. The kids will miss their home and grandparents, dad will miss his entire life, and your dd will desperately be trying to make everyone happy.

You can help by being welcoming and kind.

It sounds like you know what you need to do and are worried that you will get it wrong or it won't be enough to make up for a lack of support when she moved away. You'll just have to see how it goes and do your best now that she's back. Not unreasonable to be anxious about it.

I'm kind of surprised you've never considered going to Lebanon prior to Oct 2023, pandemic etc aside.

I was there the same year your daughter moved (2018) and Beirut is a vibrant and modern city - not this terrifying/poor/backwater place that you're portraying it as. I found Lebanese people really friendly and hospitable. It's a shame you couldn't be more supportive and open minded.

Have you not apologised already?!

OP, it really looks like you can see how you have been wrong about the situation and are willing to do anything to make amends.

I think it is a great sign that they have agreed to stay with you. As you say, give them their own living room and space, cook at different meal times, but also, ask if they want Sunday lunch with you, or Saturday night meal etc.

You can welcome them with open arms, and in due course when they have moved in, not the second you see them, apologise to both of them for your behaviour and say that you really want to make up for lost time, and help them to settle in the UK.

Hopefully you will all get back on track and have a close relationship with them

Can you see how this attitude was xenophobic and offensive? Specifically using the term grooming when he was only 2 years older than her, she wasn't a child and he was also a student like her when they met. I can imagine you wouldn't have used that term if he was British... I would be highly offended in her situation if my parents had used that language.

I am gob smacked your DD has accepted your offer

Which would indicate money is very very tight

You’ll be fine, OP. It will take a while for things to settle and relationships to grow, but eventually you’ll get there.

I’ve also left home very young, had an extremely rocky relationship with my mother for a number of reasons and no contact with my father.

My mother and I get along fine now. She is how she is, I take what I can while she’s with us. My DD only met my father when she was 8 and they have a brilliant relationship, she’s the only grandchild so you can imagine.

The past will eventually stay in the past, build it up from now on.

OP, I can well understand your reaction and worry when she was just 21 and had finished her degree. What a worry for you.

Stay completely away from the past and contentious issues.
He's a good man with a good family and she is happy.

Be completely welcoming, happy and thrilled to have them.

Carve the house up as best you can so they have space and are comfortable.
Don't rush into any family meals, just leave the children to acclimate with the parents by eating later together.
Not a word of criticism or parenting advice at all, the children may be confused and out of sorts.
Give them understanding.
Can you reach out among friends for extra age appropriate toys for them to play with?
Maybe a trampoline for the garden?
A play tent?
Lego, dolls etc.

Work hard to help them find their own space and help with deposits and furniture etc.
Again friends may have e tra beds, sofas, furniture and kitchen stuff they are happy to pass on.
I would give as much practical help as you can that they are happy to accept.

Wishing you well.

Hmmm I’m going to go a bit middle and say I can’t decide if YABU or YANBU
I think a lot of parents in real life would be worried about their young adult meeting someone from another country and then moving to live in that country, that is not their birth country, and have 3 kids. All at a very young age.

Theres so much to this situation , but all you can do is take it slowly and steadily. Not sure who instigated as I may have misread but did you offer to take them in or did they ask

This seems like a good approach

Moving countries with 3 children in tow is incredibly expensive, especially if you’re moving to an expensive country like the UK.

Whilst financially they are okay in Lebanon the issue is the Lebanese currency value has plummeted. They also need to live in London for her husbands job which is never cheap.

Best of luck to you and your daughter, OP. There will be many challenges no doubt with such a houseful, but hopefully love will see you all right.

So you really believed your 21 year old was being groomed? And your response? Essentially to have squat all to do with her for many years.

That is how you showed your concern?

She called you when she had her first baby? And not since??….. so how did you find out she had the other 2?
This is so very sad @Granso.

My only advice would be to apologise for rejecting her. Tell her you want to mend your relationship and want to her to know her husband and children…

I often wonder in these scenarios if young adults would have made these decisions if parents were less judgemental ,,,, for example if you’d supported her whatever she decided maybe her decision to go to another country would’ve been less of an option, but by pushing her away it might have become her only decision.

Yet the dd wants to stay with her parents so obviously bridges have been built.

The op won't be the first or last parent worried about their 21yr old marrying a man from a fairly unstable country and moving there.

Could you offer to pay for a nearby rental or Air B and B for her first month or so? That way you could each have some of your own space whilst reconnecting. You could show her how you are able to help her by arranging everything for their arrival, taking meals round etc. All living together from the beginning will be quite intense! Giving the children short visits to your house will be a smoother transition for them too. You will need to reassess after a few weeks but by then you will all be more comfortable together if you have to live in the same house.

Well she always remained close to her brother, he holidayed with them in Greece and Cyprus.
But we have been in more regular contact since 2023. I messaged her congratulations after the birth of their second daughter but she didn’t reply, I did so again after their 3rd in 2023 and we have spoken often since then.

Exactly this. Beirut is one of my favourite cities and I go there often - from nearby EU country where I live.

I cannot imagine why you didn't visit even once, beyond ignorance or wanting to punish your DD.

You have been given a 2nd chance with your daughter OP, take it with both hands!

Yes but her response was to have bugger all to do with her daughter for 7 years during HUGE developments in her life.

Even if I had thought that about her boyfriend, I’d have very much sucked it up and kept to myself and remained a significant presence in my daughter’s life

Did you react badly to the news of baby 1? It’s so sad but so glad things are on the mend xx

Yes and the op seems to have regret, they have been in contact since 2023.

It obviously isn't ideal and we can all judge other families' dynamics but sadly these things happen. The point is the op realises her mistakes and wants to make amends so that is good.

They seem to have the room to allow everyone to have some space so hopefully it will all work out.

That's fine but what does the daughter have to do to make this work or does the effort have to be just from the OP? She and her family would be better advised finding their own place as a temporary measure, it's unwise to return to the UK and expect everyone else to make allowances and changes, her husband and her children will be very uncomfortable I should imagine.

I can't believe that they are staying with you.

They must be desperate.