Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

Suggested way forward from interfering old bag

1. Apologise to DD (and her friend if convenient). Say that you now appreciate that they are growing up and so wouldn't want their sleepover organised. Say you remain open to suggestions for the next one if THEY want you to do anything.
2. Point out to DD that the whispering thing was rude, nevertheless, so you both have something to learn from this. (But do think about who actually did the whispering - it needs a different approach if it was the fr who was actually instigating this)

It was a sleep over for two and you were a gooseberry

At 10 they want to be alone in the bedroom talking about boys and fashion, the activities you describe much better suited to 6 year olds

I think next time you just need to assure DD that you will be more hands off. One nice activity eg pumpkin carving is quite sweet, or dinner as a family. My friends used to actually like that my mum would chat with us at teatime rather than just being left alone but it made me cringe!

Where you went wrong was with a full programme. They are actually easier to entertain at this age than you think. What I remember of year 5-6 sleepovers was pretty much watching films and lying around in our pyjamas eating loads of snacks and gossiping/playing/talking bollocks. Maybe make up a dance routine.

10 year olds think they are way more grown up than they are. Mine would be really put out if I got in the way and cramped her style at a sleepover. When friends are over she likes listening to music with them in her room, talking nonsense no doubt. Why didn't you back off?

Oof, how embarrassing for your daughter! The twits is definitely babyish and once you saw they didn’t want to carve the pumpkins you should have dropped it. Great to have something in the background if they needed it but at 10 you should have let them get on with it.

they were rude to whisper etc but perhaps a chat with your daughter beforehand about expectations would be helpful next time

Twits OP? I think most 10 years will want choose their own film (age appropriate obviously).

It’s great when kids reach the age when they can have friends over and entertain themselves! For me this was at about 8 years old. Earlier they still could play independently, but overall a play date was still more work for me. But now they are older a play date actually makes my life easier as I get to have a few hours of peace while the kids disappear and entertain them selves. When my 10 year old has a sleepover I may help them set up a few activities, like den building. But mostly I leave them to it!

did you tell your daughter you had any of this planned before the sleepover / did you ask her how she imagined the sleepover going and what she wanted to do, or did you just spring this all on her as a surprise.

you went way OTT with everything, but what I find most weird is that you would pick a particular movie and not give them the choice?!

I would apologise to your daughter and assure her you wont act like that again should she want another sleepover.

They were rude and spoiled. If a child staying at my house behaved like this I would call it out and speak to the parents.

But you were also over involved and overbearing and they probably felt a bit stifled.

I think it is nice that you tried to come up with activities for them but you should have read the room when they declined and not tried to keep forcing it.

Ultimately though thats no excuse. At the very least they should have declined politely rather than being sulky brats.

I would now have a moratorium on sleepovers.

Then, and no offense meant here at all, nobody should be told how to raise their kids, but as you're here asking for advice...they are definitely too old to want or need a parent involved with a sleep over. If I'd have been that friend I certainly wouldn't want to come back for another. I think it's nice that wanted them to have a good time. But it's speaks volumes that you are upset with their lack of enthusiasm for what turned out to be a sleepover with a grown up.

They were rude. I can see that you have tried extremely hard to be welcoming and make things fun.

But did you not ask them if they wanted hot chocolate and a film? And if so which film? And the same with the pancakes - maybe they fancied cereal and felt like they couldn't make their own decisions.

I don’t even think the whispering was rude! First time I heard the whisper I would have realised I was being OTT and changed tack and just left them to it! Maybe set out the Halloween style activities as something they could do together but I would be in next room sort of thing. I can imagine hanging out with someone’s mum even as a 7 year old!

I think it's a bit sad, OP, that you put so much effort into them having a good time and they weren't appreciative. But, lesson learnt! Do nice things when you're on your own with DD and save the boardgames etc for family nights.

They were a bit rude but you were definitely a bit much to. They are 10 not 6 so dont want mum putting in babyish films and managing all their activities. At that age best to provide food, space and options if they want them.

They were a bit rude, but ten year olds generally just want to ‘hang out’ at sleepovers and they probably didn’t know how to tell you politely that they weren’t interested in your suggested activities. I know you wanted them to have stuff to do, but perhaps in future have a couple of things available for them and wait until they get bored and slope in looking for something to do. That may never happen, but that’s ok. It means they’re making their own fun.

They'll have resorted to whispering because they weren't given the appropriate space to have private conversations.
It wasn't polite, but they were put into a no-win situation.

10 year olds shouldn't need to be micro-managed.

You sound like one of these “Makin’ memreez Thomson famly style!!!!!” people. You’re trying to make it all about you, I suspect you wanted DD’s friend to go back to school on Monday raving about how fantastic the sleepover had been and all the amazing stuff you had planned for them. It appears to have backfired spectacularly, please learn from it and let your DD enjoy her friends without your over involvement .

I think you had lovely intentions but have got a bit too involved. When mine have friends over I just leave them to it unless asked otherwise. They tend to just dissappear off upstairs and reappear when food is ready.

They were rude, but at 10 years old they are still figuring out this stuff. I would speak to your DD about her behaviour and show her how she can ask for more independence in a more polite way.

The friend was really rude and wouldn’t be allowed back in my house and my daughter wouldn’t be allowed in her house. I understand you were trying your best to give them a nice time but chalk it up to experience and the next time (with a different friend) just let them do what they want.

My DD’s 9.5 and some of her friends are 10, none of them go out for walks by themselves. The sleepover you describe would be fine for my DD but I wouldn’t plan anything.

They’d choose what they did and choose their own movie (within reason). It sounds like you dictated what they did rather than let them get on with it.

I had a friend stay over when I was 18, we went to watch Hannibal
dad was looking bored so I invited him, he ate an entire tub of popcorn and spent the whole film in awe then bought us pizza after
afterwards he told me he hadn’t been to the cinema since 1983
he still says it was the best unplanned evening out

Thats what I thought to. I actually suspect they decided on going for a walk to get peace.

Why didn't you ask them if they wanted to do the activities?
When they were huffing and puffing, why did you continue when it was obvious they weren't happy?

It seems rude of the friend but the girls weren't given any opportunity to have their say.

A sleepover isn't school.

Well, yes they were rude, but you really need to start backing off now. They need their space, and probably see your activities as pretty “childish”. Awkward age. 🤷‍♀️