Am I out of touch or is DD and her friend being rude?

[MySef]

DD had a friend over to sleep last night, first time ever so I put a lot of effort into thinking up activities to keep them entertained.

Pumpkin carving - this was met with huffing and puffing, both sat there not wanting to get involved and sighing when asked to do anything

Board game - same attitude, both huffing and puffing that they didn’t want to do it.

Movie night with popcorn - I put The Twits on - this was met with groans and accusations of being babyish. Friend whispering to DD that they could just go upstairs in their own.

Hot chocolate and marshmallows before bed, more whispering that they could just go upstairs on their own.

So this morning, they come downstairs and I said I would make pancakes, heard friend whispering to DD “is this another thing where we all have to sit around together?”. DD complaining saying they didn’t want anything for breakfast.

DD then comes in and announces that they want to go out for a walk, fine - I start putting my shoes on and hear friend whispering to DD “do we have to do everything with your mum?” DD snapping at me that they wanted to go on their own.

They’ve now gone out and I’m sat here seething, all the effort I put into organising a fun weekend sleepover and I feel that they’d rather I just didn’t exist. More upset with DD as I feel she knows better.

DH saying I’m out of touch and should have left them to it.

AIBU

While it's lovely you tried so hard for your Daughters first sleep over, it was a bit OTT. & expecting the girls to spend so much time with you was a bit much. Next time ask your Daughter what she'd like to do. Maybe buy some craft kits for them to do in her room by themselves, friendship bracelets or paint your own kits. Girls like to gossip & giggle about silly things & they probs felt they couldn't discuss things with you there so next time leave them to it,

@MySef

Your sleepover plans sound amazing! Can I come?! 😂

They’re clearly entering the tween phase. Also, think friend was a bit rude too. Another friend may have responded differently… 🤷‍♀️

Yes they were being rude and you were also getting too involved.

Did you talk to your daughter about your ideas with the sleepover before the actual evening?

They are lovely ideas but not everyone wants to do things like that and that’s okay.

Your daughter was rude and I would be having words with her. If she doesn’t like something then she needs to pull you to the side and tell you how she feels quietly and respectfully.
I would also apologise for not talking about it with her before the sleepover and that next time you’ll both talk about how you see the sleepover going.

You are the parent, if they want to watch a movie that’s fine but it needs to be age appropriate so they can choose an age appropriate one. They also don’t need mobile phones etc They can have a good time without the pressure of that even if it isn’t all these activities you had set up.

Very true, that's a good take on it, what's ironic is that some of the posters are saying the OPs child is too old and yet some of the posters never left the mean girl mentality from school themselves...

That does make sense. I also think posters egg each other on sometimes, and it does become like the school playground at times.

Oh lord, the armchair psychologists have come out to proffer their expert opinion

Well what do you think they do it for?

Yes I think that too.

I think she has been a bit OTT in wanting to be involved herself, but I think that's less troublesome than the mean-cool-girl vibe you find amongst some posters.

Yes exactly, there's a huge difference between giving constructive advice and downright nastiness...

God, there are some twunts posting here.

FFS, before you post on a thread, read all the OP posts. This OP has acknowledged her 'faults' - or rather, that she was misguided, and is determined to learn from the feedback, so why the F are people still piling on?

Because joining in on AIBU pile-ons is a favourite hobby for a lot of posters. But i suspect it’s also true that a lot of them haven’t read the OP’s final posts, as they were 2 days ago now.

Did you talk to your daughter about your ideas with the sleepover before the actual evening?
They are lovely ideas but not everyone wants to do things like that and that’s okay.
Your daughter was rude and I would be having words with her. If she doesn’t like something then she needs to pull you to the side and tell you how she feels quietly and respectfully.
I would also apologise for not talking about it with her before the sleepover and that next time you’ll both talk about how you see the sleepover going.

she did talk to her beforehand. The dd was on board with the pumpkins. She did not want to play a board game. The op knew this but just wanted to play for an hour anyhow. The OP chose the film.

No, but if OP’s child thought these were happy and good things to do and then changed due to the guests’ dis-satisfaction, I would be looking at the influence the visitor has over my child’s wellbeing.

Went through this with a young madam at DD’s school who divided friendship groups up and was a huge bully.

This isn't what happened. The OP has already established that her daughter had said she didn't want to do board games but the OP wanted to herself so she did, and the OP chose the film. It would help if people actually read the threads.

Apparently the daughter would usually like the hot chocolate and pancakes but it sounds like the girls had thoroughly had enough of the way the sleepover was going by that point and there was no saving it.

My 11 year old loved pumpkin carving with her friend yesterday and shes in year 7. Maybe you should have give them abit more alone time but I think the kids sound ungrateful tbh and if its coming from the friend I would suggest to your daughter that she should distance herself from said friend.

But did you insist on joining in all the activities? This seems to have been the crux of the problem.

I have had kids of that age and older carving pumpkins - but I just left them to it - I didn't insist on joining in.

OP has revealed that she insisted on choosing the movie and sitting with them to watch (personally I've never done that) also OP revealed that her dd did NOT want to play board games but that OP insisted because she wanted to play ......

I don't understand why you are so involved with this sleepover? It is your daughter's sleepover with her friend, not yours. Why does your desire to watch the Twits factor into the evening at all? It's weird they way you are tagging along tbh.

YABU

Part of parenting is backing off and letting our children play with their peers without our interference. This is how children learn to interact with and manage relationships with their peers. This is a parenting skill that us parents should learn when our kids are toddlers.

I understand your desire to make things fun, but you ended up making them miserable and the friend probably won't want to come back for another sleepover. Mine eldest is 9 and these kids talk. Your daughter probably won't have anyone wanting a sleepover for a good long while. Again, I totally understand that this was the opposite of what you intended, I'm just trying to explain to you the consequences of not giving your daughter some space.

If and when there is a next time, involve your daughter, do not plan things. Ask her what she would like to do, if you have ideas (your ideas were good ones, but didn't work for her) ask her what she thinks. Let her take the lead and you can squash anything that you feel in inappropriate.

You can do this, you can let go of the reins and let her take control. She'll be a teenager in a few years and an adult not long after that, she needs to learn how to entertain.

Your husband is right.
The kids were rude, but they are KIDS. Surely it isn’t that surprising that kids would respond in such a way to an adult hovering and smothering them. It is highly likely you would have reacted similarly if roles were reversed. It was nice of you to plan things to have available to them, but it sounds like you made them do things that were meant to be fun (You tried to make them do the pumpkin carving and board game when you clearly understood that they didn’t want to, you put on a movie they didn’t want to watch, and you didn’t let them do the one thing they clearly communicated a desire to do, which was have a little space to themselves.) When you did not leave room for them to breathe and just be friends together in the house, they tried to leave for a walk, and they couldn’t do that, either. I would expect that in the future, your daughter will prefer to go over to her friend’s house instead of having friends over, if they are expected to do what you want when they come over instead letting them make their own fun. Next time this can be avoided by involving your daughter in the planning. If she is old enough for a sleep over, she is old enough to be asked, “Would you like me to bring home some pumpkins for you to carve?” (and then be available close by for assistance if they need it, otherwise let them do it- if they are nit old enough/responsible enough to be trusted with the tools to carve pumpkins, find a different activity rather than making them do it your way.) “What movie would you like to watch?” (Obviously, you and your husband can and should set the parameters of what your child is allowed to watch, but you also have to be prepared for your child to not always agree with your parameters and get comfortable with her not appreciating where you choose to draw the line), and “Is there a game you would like?”/“Would you like x game?” And then join in IF the kids invite you to. It’s a sleepover, not a family night, it’s all about them.
It is 100% valid, and in my opinion, a very healthy thing, to have things you do together as a family just because doing things together is important. But that is not what a sleepiver is for. A sleepover is for the kids involved to enjoy some newfound freedom and a sense of being ‘big kids’ now, something that is entirely lost when they feel they are being babied. If you are not ready to give your child that freedom and autonomy, that is your call as a parent. You are the best judge of whether or not your child really is ready for that. If she isn’t… then please don’t dangle the carrot just out of reach like this.

@MySef this thread is in People Magazine! 🤯

https://people.com/mother-seething-daughter-friend-complaining-sleepover-11838616

How can this thread still be going???

That will be the Americans reading about it in their magazines!